will things ever go right (blog)

Just thoughts

Todays September 28th, 

                       It's Andrew first day of training for his new job at home and he's already pissing me off. He's doing 3 things at once, trying to work, texting, and of course he hasn't put down his stupid fucking controller! How can anyone think they could focus on all these things and not get fired I mean come on. 

Anyway, my laptops been having some issues so that may be part of why I'm angry, this thing cost 3000 dollars and now it won't charge so it's understandable to be pissed off at this, right? I don't know, I've had these anger outbursts all the time now a days. Don't know the underlying issue at this moment and that's frustrating, I hate being angry. But that's all I am. To change the subject, domino has gotten thinner which really worries me. We aren't fit to have him and too afraid to take that step. I don't want to lose him but at the same time I'm really concerned that I'm not good enough for him. for anyone. It's tiring honestly, to try to get everything together on top of Andrews and I's relationship problems. It's getting overwhelming, sometimes its like I can't breathe. Andrew expects so much from me and then puts it on me, saying I expect too much from him. The other day we were arguing about him only staying on his Xbox (again) and he somehow brought it to how I'm apparently changing him so much that he's barley his own person. I don't understand that, I don't see how that is. All i wanted was for him to spend more time with me, not stop playing completely. I know video games are calming and it helps him, i get that. But then he talks about how I don't do anything without him, I don't have friends and i don't do much around the house. It's obvious I've gone back into my depressive state, he did point out (a while back) that it was, to use his words "so fucking obvious" when I'm sad. I can't help it, and hate to think my emotions are causing him trouble. 

It's been a few hours, I told him why I didn't like him playing games while working and he seemed to listen. The games still on but he hasn't played with it, he was angry with though. He's also taking over my desk with his little toys. Before i've had an issue with being surrounded by his things and very little of mine, my desk was one of the only few things. And i guess its just his now. 

Though he is taking responsibility with Leo, made an appointment to get him fixed, got to say i love when he asks like his age. And as i type this he gets on his game.... wonderful.

My back is killing me right now but I guess ill just deal with it, like always. 

I've been playing Among Us with is a cool game about being an astronaut with 9 other players and one of you is a killer and you have to figure out who before he/she kills everyone. I've made a few friends but I've discovered I was a good killer until Andrew said otherwise, and now i cant do it right. That wrong. but I don't know how to stop that if there is a way. I guess that's another thing that's frustrating me at the moment. I haven't been able to write because I'm afraid that Andrew will read it, say something, and then me not even want to write anymore. That's bad. I shouldn't have to feel that way, but that's how it is. 

Another thing is that my nanas been wanting to move to Arkansas for a few years now and recently they've started packing. Then I get a message from Jon saying that my mother was packing too. She hadn't told me anything but she never really does so it shouldn't hurt me, but i guess it still kind of does. So I guess all my family in my home town are moving several hours away. I'm not sure how I feel about it though. Yes im sad that i wont get to see my family, i mean I only just turned 20 years old. But I have been living an hour away for a year now. I'm also glad they're moving because all the drama that seems to follow my mother is suffocating. I dont know what I'm getting from this. Just writing things out. The councilor at my last high school did tell me that i should write things down when I'm feeling... depressed i guess.  Though I'm not sure if it ever helped or not. Before, when I'd write things out my mother would find them and yell at me for feeling however i was feeling, mad, sad, tired, no matter what it was. So i stopped writing and begun typing. 

How do I feel?

It's like I can never figure out how I'm actually feeling at any given moment. I seem to be angry all the time but I honestly don't know. That scares me. I'm trying to remember if this has happened to me before, when i was really depressed but all i can remember is being terrified to wake up in the morning. That doesn't scare me now, I just wake up, that's that. I wake up, do whatever needs to be done and go back to sleep, although I couldn't seem until around 6 or 7 this morning. It's always been hard to fall asleep and stay asleep so I'm not sure if its better or worse. I just can't tell.

Everything is just so damn stressful. My hair has thinned out a lot, I've experienced more pain and episodes, I cant keep track of things, I feel like I'm going mad honestly. I want to go riding, or camping or.... i just want to exist for one day without feeling like this. I feel like the world is closing in on me and im not even Closter phobic. The world has turned its back on me for another time and I'm so sick of it. 

He's just so happy to be talking to other people, but he never is happy with me. He doesn't laugh like his does with them, he doesn't smile like he does with them. I'm scared that he just doesn't want me anymore. I mean its become obvious he doesn't want me sexually anymore. He's been on his phone every time he can and when his horny he doesn't want me to touch him and then he goes to masterbate by himself. I feel so fucking unwanted, unloved, and completely useless. I haven't looked on his phone in quite a while so i don't know if he's still cheating but i wouldn't be surprised.