yours {h.s.} | {b1.5}

FEBRUARY 14, 2020

February 14, 2020

Worked up all the courage in the world today to tell Gracie that I was sleeping with Britt. Seeing Britt, more seriously. We've hung out a couple of times. Some more heavy kissing. She gave me a blow job in her car on our mutually scheduled break. She hasn't let me fuck her since New Year's.

For some reason, telling Gracie felt more important than the actual act of seeing her. Gracie's my best friend. Only just realized that was something that felt good to verbalize recently so I've started saying it a lot more. Casually in conversation I'll refer to my best friend, Gracie. Or when she walks by I'll just tell her spontaneously that she's my best friend. It always makes her blush.

I didn't tell her about Britt this morning and all day I was a wreck. I hadn't lied to her, I'd only omitted the truth but that's such a fucking line and I hate it. It doesn't make me feel right so I choose not to abide by it. At the first chance I pulled her aside and explained myself. When I told her about Britt—about how I wanted it to go somewhere other than random hang outs that end with us in a car and decidedly not fucking definitely more than just kissing—I think she knew that I was looking for her approval. Until I was in the moment, I didn't know that was what I wanted from her, but it was so clear that it was.

She said she was proud of me and I asked whether she was mad at me. I don't know why, but I expected her to be. I think I gave some reason about screwing my way to the top but that wasn't quite it. It didn't feel right to say but it was the only thing that I could say. I'll think about it more and maybe I'll correct myself later.