If You Love Me

Chapter 10

Kolleen was in her room when I got home. I was glad. After Devin telling me about what was coming, I was glad to be alone.

Josh would be in court. I'd have to tell people about the things he'd done to me. Things I'd never told anyone. I didn't want to tell those things to anyone, but I was scared of him getting released and then coming after me. But would he even get a conviction? I couldn't exactly prove everything he'd done. I didn't have records at all other than people on campus seeing bruises from time to time.

Well, my roommate was there for some of it. She knew when it started and she knew some of what he did later on. Still, there wasn't a lot to go on.

I opened the fridge, trying to find the stash of chocolate Kolleen always tried to hide from me. I needed it more than her right then.

"Glad you're home," Kolleen said.

I jumped and nearly dropped the bag in my hand. "Don't sneak up on me like that," I told her, shutting the fridge. "You almost made me drop the M&Ms."

"I wouldn't want to do that," she said, her eyes following me to my room. As I pulled open the door, she spoke again. "Did he do something to you?"

I paused and looked at her. "Why do you think that?"

"You almost never eat chocolate this late at night."

"You don't know what I did in my dorm room." I opened my door but didn't go in. "He didn't do anything to me. I just found out something about Josh is all." I walked in and quietly shut my door behind me. Out of her sight, I sank to the floor.

Testify. I buried my face in my hands. How was I even going to do this? I wasn't sure I could do it alone, but I couldn't think of anyone I'd want to go with me to the lawyer's office.

A face popped in my mind but I immediately shook my head. No way. I couldn't ask that of him. He was just a friend, even if I didn't really know him that well. He was little more than a stranger.

But he was a stranger that I trusted. I wasn't even sure why, but I did.

Kolleen was an obvious choice, but with the way she always responded to me, I knew she wouldn't be of any help at all.

I shoved more chocolate into my mouth and chewed. Why did things have to be this way? Why couldn't Josh have been a good boyfriend? Actually, at this point, forget good – I would have settled for one I could be comfortable with. But still. Why did he have to be like this? Did I do something to deserve this?

The thought nearly made me choke. Suddenly, the chocolate wouldn't go down past the lump in my throat.

Did I deserve it? Did I do something to Josh at some point that made him this way? Was I that bad of a girlfriend? Was I maybe a flirt and didn't realize it? But if that was the case, why wasn't I surrounded by guys? Or was I and Josh noticed so he was chasing them all away?

I felt something roll down my face and realized I had started crying at some point. Now aware of it, I let the tears flow. Sobs didn't wrack my body, and I wasn't panting. They just silently leaked out and dripped from my chin into the M&Ms I no longer wanted.

My stomach began twisting as I let my mind wander once again to telling my story in a courtroom. A jury and a judge and prying eyes in the audience. Speaking in front of a crowd had become a thing of nightmares for me since I started college. All of those prying eyes. Even worse, all of those ears hearing about my lowest moments and all of those minds judging me.

I jumped up, hand clamped over my mouth, and ran to our bathroom. The door banged open, alerting Kolleen, probably. I dropped to my knees and panted over the bowl. Nothing was coming up, but my stomach was definitely flipping, the sweetness still in my mouth making me feel nauseous.