Wants and Desires of a Mildly Depressed Trans Girl

Starbucks: Her Name

"This was it," she thought to herself standing in line at the Dash point Starbucks. There was just one person in front of her. It had been 5 years since she had visited her hometown of Federal Way, truthfully, she had never been here. In the five years since she had left, she had become a whole new person, and this moment was huge. "Miss?" Kara looked up shocked, "Miss that's a good start," she thought to herself, "Um yes," Kara said. "How can I help you?" the woman behind the counter asked. Kara's heart raced as she stepped up to the counter to make her order, she noticed the barista's name-tag read Kayla. She realized she hadn't decided what she wanted to order. "Um," Kara said again embarrassment in her voice, hearing it deeper than is probably was, she paused then continued speaking softer this time, "C-can I get a vanilla latte?" she asked nervous realizing this moment that was so huge for her probably looked normal to everyone else. "What size?" Kayla asked, her finger hovering over the touch screen on her register. "Grande, please," Kara stated shyly, knowing what the next question would be, this was the big moment. "And what is the name for the order?" the barista asked, "just say your name," Kara thought to herself and took a breath, "she has already referred to you as Miss, she has already assumed your gender correctly, your name won't give anything away," she thought to herself trying to convince herself everything would be okay. "K-Kara," she said her face flushed, the next moment felt like an eternity before Kayla spoke, "Okay Kara," Kara's stomach lurched at the sound of her own name, "We will have your drink ready in just a moment, the total is $4.95," "Oh!" Kara stammered forgetting that you had to actually pay for coffee, "Yeah," Kara fished through her purse for her card and swiped it thought the iPad like machine, typed in her pin and said "Thank you," making eye contact with Kayla and smiling.

"Okay, one down, one to go," Kara thought as she walked to the end of the counter unsure where to stand. It was Monday morning, Kara checked her phone feeling antsy as she waited, 11:48, and the Starbucks was mostly empty, as was expected. In the corner near the pickup counter sat a collage age boy on his mac, and that was it, no one was looking at her, no one saw her as special in any way, and this was how Kara preferred it, invisible. "Kara!" the man behind the serving counter spoke loud and clear, Kara jumped slightly at her name and stepped forward, "Vanilla Latte?" he said making eye contact with her, she was afraid his green eye would see right through her, "Y-yes, Thank you," "You're Welcome, have a wonderful day ma'am," Kara smiled and turned to walk out of the store trying not to look like she was running. She walked for a moment looking at her feet, her Converse blurring over the white lines of the crosswalk, "you should really look where you are going," she thought to herself looking up immediately seeing the blue Kia soul her and Chloe had as a rental on this trip. The panic in her chest faded seeing Chloe's face behind the wheel, she could tell even from 15 feet away there was worry in her girlfriend's eyes. The lights on the Kia Soul flashed as Chloe unlocked the doors and Kara opened to get in.

"How did it go?" Chloe asked nervously, "G-Good, I think, they didn't seem to notice," "I TOLD YOU!," Chloe erupted in excitement, "I tell you every day you are beautiful and that you deserve your name, and they just proved me right! HA!" Chloe said excitedly leaning over and kissing Kara's warm red cheek, "Now put on your seat belt we have to make it to your brother's place by 2 and it's a bit of a drive,"

"Not one recognized me," Kara thought euphoria filling her body, this was it, he was gone, and she finally felt free to be herself. "Maybe red robin won't be so bad," she thought feeling more at ease of meeting her parents there for dinner later that afternoon, "Falling in Reverse," blasted through the speakers of their rental car as then sped down 312th.  "do you mind if I change it?" Kara asked fumbling for her phone, "Of course not," Chloe stated. Kara scrolled through Apple music and found "Show yourself," from frozen 2 a song that held a special place in her heart since she had heard it and felt an emotional connection to it. Kara wasn't sure what this trip would hold, but she felt confident in who she was. She placed her hand on Chloe's thigh, with her girlfriend here she felt she could take on the world.