"this is so.. th-is. this is. this is so fucked up!" i scream following her. the her that was being carried away on a gurney away from me. there were strangers touching her, grabbing at her.
it was pissing me the fuck off, but they're supposed to help her right?
"watch out with her hand for fucks-" i point out to them before they enter a room where im not welcome. or needed. her hand was dangling. no, it fell. what does that mean? is she gone?
"no, n-no. no! no please god no.." i reach my hands up and pull at my hair. not sweet or gently like she would of she were here.
"sir im sorry but you're disrupting the other patients. if you continue we'll have to kick you out."
"oh fuck you lady!" i punch the window and a black, short, glasses wearing, nice looking lady walks out of the room.
she doesn't say anything just grabs me and drags me to into the room. i have no words. i don't know if i want to scream because i rammed my fist into a window or because my heart hurts to the point that it'll burst.
"what are you doing?" i cough.
"you need stitches hun."
"you're not pissed that i broke your window?"
"you're not the first idiot to have a break down at the hospital sweetie so don't think you're original."
"im not an idiot." i keep my voice low as she inserts a needle in between my knuckles to numb me before the sewing begins.
"oh yeah? then what are you?" she asks stopping to pay attention, like she's ready for a story.
"im broken and im alone. and yes i am an idiot."
"now just a second ago didn't you just say that you weren't one?"
"well in today's circumstances i am." she sighs ignoring me to fix my fist up.
she didn't ask, she didn't speak to me for the past five minutes of stitching i opened mouth. it had gotten to quiet and i was scared.
i hadn't called anyone, who else was i going to talk to.
"my girlfriend and i, uh. w-we, we um. we got in a fight while i was driving her home. and uh she took off her seat belt to look at me. to calm me down. i wasn't paying attention. i was going fast. she doesn't like it when i go fast so i thought she'd shut up and drop the argument. but that didn't work. so i uh, i started screaming at her these really awful things and i didn't see the truck. but she did and she kept screaming my name, for me to look ahead. but i didn't. and when i did it was too late. i swerved off the road and the front of my hood was totaled."
while i confess my sins to a stranger, i clench my fists forgetting i just got stitches. i tear a few open and cry looking at what ive done to myself. and where im at. what ive done.
"son," she sighs and sits next to me placing a hand on my back, "this all sounds very terrible and not to mention fucked up. but it's all going to be okay, i heard the from one of the doctors when she came in. she's going to be fine it's not like she flew out the window. don't you worry about her we have tremendous doctors watching over her, not to mention god. he's always on our side." she's rubbing her hand up and down my back before i briefly stand up.
"god? god is not on my side lady. im sorry but he's never been. and i doubt he's here today. i don't need your preaching!" i kick a chair out of my way and punch the wall on my way out.
"thanks for the fucking stitches."
•loving someone•
4:35 in the morning and they still haven't let me see her. i brought her in at 8:30. her mom hates it when she's late, i have to bring her home before 9. and i was still an hour away. but she wanted to see the city from the mountains.
we never did make it to the rockys. instead we found one of the highest buildings in boulder. she we scared at first, to climb all the way to the top. but i kept telling her a mountain would be far worse. i made her climb the ladder first, she said it was because i wanted to check out her ass. which i agreed. but really i was afraid that she'd fall. she has always been a clumbsy girl.
"look down there, don't they look like ants? such tiny cute ants." i'd grab onto her ankles and she would freeze in her tracks.
haylie would stop climbing, "stop it. shut up lucas, im going to fall i swear." i could feel her tense up. i'd stop bugging her for three minutes then i'd start again.
"wow i bet i can see my house from here what about you hales? just look all around you." i laughed and she hissed at me. but i could hear her whimpering, she wanted to go back down but i didn't let her quit.
and i loved her for that. i smile at the memory. it was amazing that her mom let her out on a school night. or let her out at all. she didn't like me as much as her daughter did. she knew my father in school. sometimes i wonder if she thinks i'll end up like him. a drunk, a dead beat who ran his wife off. a loser.
but i swear i treat hales right. i'd do anything for her.
"what did you do to my baby." it wasn't really a question rather a statement. she yelled fiercely and pounded on my chest repeatedly. i knew that i'd have some bruises tomorrow if she kept at it. hitting at the same spot.
"what did you do to my haylie!" she slammed into me, the nurses tried coming over to stop her but i told them it was okay. she needed this just as much as i do.
i needed to feel something other than pity for myself. i caused this. because of my selfish acts i might not even have a girlfriend, a bestfriend. but ms. montoya would be losing a daughter.
"happy birthday luke." i whisper to myself as i try to hug haylies mother. she tries to fight me, push me away. like hailey does when we fight or she's had a bad day.
best 18th birthday ever. what more could i have asked for?
