The Complaint Department

Jack was late and he knew he couldn't be.

He rushed into the office space, dodging his coworker's chair and abruptly arrived at his desk just as the phone was ringing. He reached out and over the chair and hit the speaker button on the console.

"Hello there! Thank you for calling The Complaint Department. I'm Jack, how can I help you today?"

Pulling the chair out, Jack moved around and bobbled his head inside of the headset, switched over, and winked at his coworker, Kim. Her blonde hair swayed behind her over the back of her chair. She was pointing her finger at something on her screen and using company sympathizing language like a boss. She didn't wink back as she was clearly on an important call. Jack knew it was most likely a regular as she was pages deep in her notes on screen.

"Well Jack, let me tell you it's been a real fucking day. How do we do this anyway?"

"First time caller?" It was as much a statement as a question. His breathing settling down, Jack made his customary snigger. The handbook said it made him appear more understanding if he broke the ice within the first ten seconds or so of a call. Since this was a first time caller, it was also important to establish trust.

"Long time aggravator though."

"Retains sense of humor! I'm writing this down." Jack put an x next to the corresponding section of his form. There was a noncommittal laugh from the receiver.

"You are not!"

"Sure am," said Jack. "We have procedures around here, missy."

"So what happens now?"

"Well, why don't you start by telling me your name, or your imaginary name. Perfectly fine too. That way, I can keep track of your dialogue. You will be complaining with dialogue I presume?"

"We can do that?"

"Why sure! We get that all the time around here. And don't worry about names and such. Our calls, as you may be aware are never recorded. Strictly confidential I assure you."

"I had actually heard that. That's so cool. What else can I...?"

"You can curse, cuss, scream--warning appreciated before you do that though. We like to keep our ears functioning if you know what I mean." Good, she's laughing already. "You can make threats, to others, to me. Perfectly fine."

"All that?"

"Oh sure. Unlock a few levels and you can even toilet paper my house."

"No!!!"

"Ok, well that part was a joke."

His caller was laughing again. Damn I'm good, thought Jack. Six minutes late and I'm still handling the first call like a pro.

"We aim to please. That's actually on a poster behind me."

"It is not!"

"Well you'll never know, dear. Our anti-video conferencing policy is one of the non-negotiables."

"Makes sense."

"It does?"

"Yeah, who wants to complain to someone when they know what you look like?"

"You know they considered walking back that protocol a few years ago and that's exactly what I said! Are you sure you aren't head of PR doing secret evaluations?"

"I didn't realize this would make me feel better so quickly."

"Good, good, Mrs....?"

"It's Mrs. Mrs. Mary Waters."