Diaries & Letters

Chapter 1

"Olivia."

Dear Diary,

What day is it? Day 23? I don't know. It's been a while, I can't even remember the last day I wrote.

I told myself to stop writing— cause for a while, I actually stopped thinking about him. Then, I saw him.

And all the feelings comeback.

I love you, Semper Fi.

I feel like such a wimp for caring so much. Yet here I am, laying in bed thinking about him. Imagining his smile, and his laugh.

Who knew a hot headed catholic guy laugh too?

Never the bad things, that's why it hurts so much.

Someone mentioned his name earlier, and I smiled a little and then, I didn't smile at all. Because I wasn't sure whether I should be smiling or not. I was thinking our everything.

I'm your partner, for better or worse.

But at the same time, I wasn't thinking of anything except him.

Because once upon a time, that was the only name I ever wanted to hear.

To be honest, everything is utter bullshit without him. And I'm not even sure if I miss him or I just miss him being here with me.

And miss him so much.

———————————

"What did you say?" I asked.
"I told them you can't make it to the funeral because your son was sick," She told me.

"Kathy–" She cuts me off. "I know, you don't have to tell me," She said. I sighed. "I know, I respect your decision too,"

We went silent for a while until she spoke to me again.

"He loves you so much, Olivia," She said. "He really does, But the question is: Do you?"

I do.

"No." I said. She chuckled and shook her head. "If you say so,"

Your stomach just dropped two floors, Olivia. The unconscious doesn't lie.

"I am." I finally said. Kathy smiles. "That's why I stay away,"

Silence again.

"How is he?" Kathy said
"Who?"
"His son."

I couldn't open my mouth, somehow the woman knew about everything, And I couldn't deny it.

"What did you told him?"

"Nothing," I said. It was the truth. I never tell my son about his father. Because somehow, Elliot never knew about him.

"You should tell him, Tell how great man his father was—"
"Maybe not now, Kathy,"
"Why?"

"Elliot doesn't want him," Lie.

Kathy doesn't speak. Instead she pulls something in her pocket. "I found this in his drawer when I was cleaning his closet, I think it's for you," She said slipping the piece of paper in my hand. "I have to go now,"

"Kathy."
"Olivia."

"I'm sorry," I said. She smiled at me and walked away.

After she left, I opened the letter she gave to me.

Olivia,

You have shown me what love is and what it feels like to be loved. Every time you kissed me and our lips touched so softly, I could feel it. I got the same magical feeling as our first kiss. I could feel it when our hearts get so close they are beating as one.

You are the beat of my heart, the soul in my body; you are me, because without you I am nothing. I love you,Olivia, my partner and my best friend.

You are the person I know I could turn to when I needed help. You have shown me how to live and you have shown me how to be truly happy. I want you to know that every time I smile, you have put it there. You make me smile when others can't, you make me feel warm when I am cold.

You have shown me so much love and so much more. I want you to know how much you mean to me. You are my whole world and I love you with all my heart. You are my happiness.

I'm sorry I haven't contacted you for as long as I have. I needed a break from the heartbreak of losing you, and to try to rediscover what joy there is in the world without you in it. If I'm being honest, the shadow your death has left has placed a veil over my emotions. I know what it is to be happy, angry, joyful... but all of that feels just out of reach. As though I'm able to get a mild scent of them, but not able to savour all the flavours of life.

All I wanted was to experience things with you.
I miss so much of you. I miss the snort you'd make when you were trying to hold in your laughter. I miss how you smelled after working all day. I miss feeling your arm hair brush my cheek as you were wrapping your arms around me. I miss your snores. I miss how you would stare at me when you didn't think I noticed. I miss you when you laid your head on my chest. I miss how you feel safe in my arms. I miss everthing about us

I ever want you to have this much pain and trauma and I never intended to shatter you into a million little pieces, but the result is still the same. I misplaced all of my sorrows onto the people that were closest and loved me the most, and that includes you. I should face my problems and overcome them .I should ask you to help me get through it. All I need is to say something.

But instead I keep it to myself.

You were one of the most selfless people i've ever met, always putting other people's happiness before yours, and making sure everyone was having a good time. I wish I had some of that energy on myself, but I don't think I ever knew how.

Olivia, I want to say something and I mean this more than I ever did before. You were the love of my life, the girl of my dreams. Just because I have passed away does not mean I am not with you. I'll always be there looking over you, keeping you safe.

So whenever you feel lonely, just close your eyes and I'll be there, right by your side.

Semper Fi,
Elliot.

P.S kiss my son every night for me, will ya?

———————————-

Dear Diary,

Tonight, I see him again, and I kiss him goodnight.

I stay a little while watching him sleep and there, I imagine his father sitting beside him singing a lullaby, covering him with his favorite blanket and kissing his forehead.

Before he slept, He ask me about him and for the first time, I told him everything I knew about his dad, I told him how happy Elliot was when he held him for the first time. He asked if his eyes had the same colour as his and I said yes.

I am now again laying in my bed thinking about Elliot, but never the bad things anymore, I am now thinking of him in the other side, at peace.

Finally.

A/N: There might be a prequel of this. :)