Silent Pain

Untitled Part 1

Silent Pain

When I was younger I was afraid of almost everything. My fears ranged from spiders and snakes to the dark and scary movies. Every dark corner had a monster and every strange man was a murderer. I was paranoid; always thinking something bad was going to happen. Something was always telling me to watch out because I could just feel this impending doom leaning over me. For some reason I just knew something bad was going to happen; something was going to steal my happiness. It didn't happen the way I thought it would because sometimes the places where you should be the safest are actually the most dangerous.

It stated off as a day like any other but turned into day I will never be able to forget.

My family came into town from out of state. I had not seen them in a while. It was supposed to be a fun week but became the most painful and horrible moments of my short life.

That day, the day that changed my life forever, started out as any normal day would. My family was all going to stay with our great grandma. All morning we hung out there just playing games and goofing around. It was the last day I was truly part of a family but I barely remember it. After dark, I was going home when my cousin asked if he could spend the night. I didn't want him too. We already had to see each other all week and he was annoying me. I was really looking forward into going home and having a break from everyone. But I will never be able to escape him, now I see him everywhere, when I am awake, when I sleep. There is no way to stop the nightmares.

Before I knew it I was driving home with my cousin sitting right next to me. I honestly don't remember much after that. I was just angry that I had to spend time with him when I wanted to see my friends. That anger has never left me. It hides inside me growing and growing as every day passes. I push it down pretend it's not there, because maybe if you pretend enough it will become reality.

The next thing I remember is laying in my living room. We were both on the floor in a pile of blankets for our "sleep over." We turned on Disney and watched a movie that was on. When it was over, I left to go to the bathroom. I took my time not wanting to come back. I prolonged my last moments of innocence for a while without even realizing it. Looking back I wished I would have never left the bathroom.

I slowly walked back down the hall not wanting to reach the living room. Once I made it my cousin was standing up waiting for me. All I wanted to do was to go to sleep. "I am not playing one of your stupid little games," I thought to myself.

"Take off your cloths," he stated in an excited horrifying tone. Then he giggled. He was happy, this made him happy. I was more confused than anything. I still did not think anything that bad was going to happen. Stuff like this only happens to other people. We are family, family doesn't hurt family. He would never hurt me.

"What?" I asked.

"I told you to take off your cloths," he repeated. The tone of his voice did not reveal his intentions. I was very confused more than anything. Why would he want me to do that?

I could feel goose bumps taking over my body. His voice sent chills down my spine. Something was telling me to be afraid. I was only a child I did not know what to do.

"No, I am not going to do that," I responded.

He did not like my answer. In response, he started to pinch me and hit me. I was in pain so I said I would do it. I should have fought more but I just didn't want to get hurt. He is my cousin, my family, so we are just going to play a game. At least that is what I told myself. I was so naïve and just plain stupid, something for which I can never forgive myself for.

I covered myself with one of the blankets that were lying on the floor. I did not want him to see me because I was embarrassed. "Maybe he would just back off and we could keep watching TV," I hoped.

Instead, he was on top of me, touching me. I could feel tears running down my cheeks. My hands grabbed onto the carpet. I squeezed the carpet as hard as I could. I tried to not scream but I was terrified. I knew I couldn't scream. If I did I would have woken my mom up and she would be angry at me. She doesn't like it when I wake her up. I just thought it would be okay if I didn't wake her up. Now I just wish I had.

I tried to focus on the TV, anything expect what was happening really. The TV show "Jessie" was on. I tried to listen to Debbie Ryan's voice to calm me down. My head was throbbing. The sound of the laugh track was over powering everything else. It sounded as if they were laughing at me, mocking me. I felt like it was laughing at my weakness. It told me I wasn't good enough. I wasn't a good enough fighter. I wasn't a good enough person, so I deserved this. This feeling, it stayed with me. It haunts my every move.

"What? Don't you like it?" he sadistically asked. I wanted to scream and to run out of there, far away and never come back. I couldn't I was frozen, I just couldn't move, couldn't scream. Those five words ring in my ears and I don't think they will ever stop. They will always be there to taunt me.

When it was over I was unable to move. I just lie there motionless. I was too shocked and too scared to. I was unable to process what had happened. I did not want to believe, nor did I know how. Family is supposed to love and protect you. What are you supposed to do when that trust is violated beyond repair?