“Why are you always humming that song whenever we’re together, Gahyeon?” You ask me one day as you eat your ice cream on my side. My heart picks up as I stop humming my song, turning to look at you with my tired acting eyes. To see you so close, it makes my heart do somersaults and eat itself alive at the same time, and to hear those damned voices whispering in the back of my head, telling me to do the things I wanted to do with you ever since I realized that I was in love with you, it’s exhausting.
I always wondered why it had to be you who I fall for.
You who…already has someone else in your heart.
“What song?” I feign ignorance I turn my back on you, the only way to keep you oblivious of my falling façade, I don’t want you to see any lone tear fall from my face.
“You don’t really say any words, but it goes like this.” My skin crawls and my fingers freeze as you start to hum the song that saved me and ruined me. You continue humming my feelings for you as I keep on ignoring you while we both hold our ice creams, but I’m holding mine a bit too far from me because I was scared it would melt if keep it close to my body.
“It has a good melody, I want to listen to it.” You turn and face me with your bright eyes, the regular ones I always see whenever you’re happy our excited. It isn’t the one I wanted to see, but I guess I think I’ll never see you pointing that certain brightness at me. “What’s the title?”
“It’s nothing. I just made the tune. It’s just a melody.” Lies. There are words in there already. My secret poem had been completed into a song years ago as I go through my own suffering of wanting to be the person inside your heart. To be the person she is in your life.
“It seems very…sad.” You say. “It has this very slow melody that seems to carry a very sad tone.”
“Did someone make you sad, Gahyeonnie? Do I know them, do you want me to talk to them?” A small laugh rings in the back of my mind as I imagine you talking to yourself.
“I’m fine Siyeon unnie. The song was just…” I swallow the lump on my throat the same time I ignored the pain in my heart. “something I whipped up when I was bored.”
You smile that so blinding smile that always gets me so whipped for you. “That’s expected from you, my talented little fox.” You ruffle my hair as you smile wider, not knowing you were tickling my poor heart with it.
“But Gahyeon, seriously,” You stop me from walking. “If something’s bothering you, tell me? I’m always here for you.”
If it was that easy unnie.
We continue walking since you’re supposed to be home because your mom might arrive anytime now from the airport, and still, you keep humming that tune, no matter how many times I told you to stop.
And all those times I reprimanded you, you only replied to me that smile that was the cause of my downfall for you.
How I wish I can tell you to stop smiling like that because you’re just making me fall for you more.
“Wolfie!” You turn your head when we both hear that voice, and dread fills my whole body as you leave my side.
I can only watch as you run into her arms, her perfect smile decorating her face as she wears that familiar sweater.
A certain date flies by my head and I look away as you put your lips on hers. I don’t think my heart can handle that yet.
“Gahyeon? Are you going now?” You yell from her side with her looking at me with those kind eyes that I absolutely despise. Still, I send you two a smile.
“Yeah unnie, I need to go anyway.”
“Be safe, okay? And remember, whatever it is that is bothering you, tell me! I’m here for you.”
I can only nod as you two wave goodbye to me, and it hurts to watch as you retreat into your home with her in your arms.
I can only watch.
That’s the only thing I’ve been doing this whole time, wasn’t it?
I start walking home with this much more heavier heart, and now with the tears threatening to fall.
“Lee Siyeon.” Your once sweet name now tastes so bitter as it leaves my mouth.
“You want me to tell you the thing that’s been bothering me?” A scoff scuffles out of my mouth, one tear falls from my eyes, and it feels so cold even though it’s not even evening yet.
“Tell me, how can I tell you that I missed your sweater? The one you gave me to wear as we ignored your sister’s birthday party downstairs that you deemed so chaotic even though that was what you are. How can I tell you that I wanted to keep it, how I loved how you said that it fitted me more than it did you, how can I tell you that I wanted it back? How can I…how can I tell you that it was supposed to be mine, not Sua unnie's? How can I tell you how I cried after I got home after you asked me to return back your sweater that meant a lot to me? The sweater I held in my heart because it was one of the things that made me hold on to the thought that maybe, just maybe, you’d return back my feelings, only for you to give it to her the next day? How can I tell you how I blamed myself for thinking that you were going to kiss me when you leaned towards me when we spent that entire weekend together, when I know you would rather pick her than me any day? How can I tell you how much I despised my delusional mind for ever considering that you might bat your eyes at me the same way you look at her? How can I tell you how I laughed at myself at home until I was sobbing in my own arms to stifle my sobs because I realized that I’m never, ever going to be Sua unnie? How can I tell you how I’ve always kept on looking at you as you watched her, how can I tell you how my heart broke like a tank had bulldozed its way on it whenever you would smile when she passed by or said hi to you? How can I tell you how many times I died whenever that special smile wasn’t thrown at me but to her? How can I tell you how I desperately wanted to be Sua unnie? How can I tell you how I wanted to be as intelligent as her, as pretty as her, as kind as her, so that I you can see me in the same light as her? That maybe, you can also see me as someone other than your best friend? Other than your younger sister figure. How can I tell you I’ve been in love with you this whole time, when the only thing that you can see was her? Unnie, I really wish I were Sua unnie.”
I reach my house with my tear-streaked face, but it’s okay.
YOU ARE READING
Heather
Fanfiction|| a gahsing one-shot || Where Gahyeon hums the same song over and over again whenever she's with Siyeon and the older girl asks her about it.
