Reflecting

Validation

So we have chapel every week and me being a little bit of an atheist and also a 15/16 year old at the time, definitely still adjusting and going through puberty and find myself, I admit I definitely did not have a good handle on my own emotions. With people I didn't know well or just wasn't comfortable with, or didn't have enough energy being myself around, I would be in a battle with my own self, not wanting to talk, but also realizing I need to speak and also keep up a certain image because I am in public and I need people to like me.

Anyway, with that background, I will continue with the story.

I had a test that I wasn't confident in the period right after chapel and brought the book (it was a literature class) into chapel with me and was reading and going over themes I had written on an extra paper. Note, we have about 5-10 minutes before chapel starts because we have to wait until everyone files into their pews. So I'm studying, muttering to myself because auditory learner be like that.

Then, a (very religious) teacher that sat in the pew in front of my homeroom class points at me and (keep in mind, this was a while ago so I can only paraphrase, sorry) basically told me in a mild scolding voice, once we walk through the doors of the chapel, we are in a place of worship, so you should respect the chapel and put your book down and wait patiently.

I was focused on my own study world, so I didn't realize he was talking to me at first, but I quickly became attentive because I knew this teacher and I have seen them yell before.

So being in shock while trying to prepare a response to the teacher's mini-lecture, I must have raised my eyebrows in confusion and squinted my eyes a little while opening my mouth with the words on the tip of my tongue.

Before I understood what was going on, or even got a word out of my mouth, the teacher raised their voice and told me they would not be taking any attitude from me. (I have a feeling more was said, but I don't remember it)

Okay let me pause there. By this point, you may be thinking, well this teacher is probably right... you were a moody, teenage, puberty-ridden child. Well yes. I completely agree with you, but I would like to now tell you, I am a short, 4'10" (~147cm) girl, sitting in the pew while a tall, bearded, muscular man, is standing, pointing and scolding me.

Does that change your perspective on the situation? If it doesn't, you are either, not a girl or not short. (Lol jk I still love you)

Anyway, I was at a loss of words and I don't even know if I said anything the rest of chapel. I hurried out of there because I didn't know if I was going to explode or cry. Honestly, right at the moment, my shock overthrew my initial urge to cry. I for one, did not want to make a scene because crying in public is never good. So I rushed to a place I could talk to a few of my friends and told them what happened their support is always unconditional, so I was brought back to a state of confidence that I did nothing wrong.

By the time I had gotten home, I was frustrated and mad that I was yelled for something so unreasonable, in my opinion, so at dinner, I told my family about the incident. Because of my frustration, I had explained the situation in the perspective of, "how could he say that", but forgetting most of the details (that he yelled and how it made me feel, other than the fact that I didn't say anything), so this was definitely a biased and inaccurate story telling on my part, so I completely blame myself for initiating the situation that unfolded. My mom, being a teacher, must have taken slight offense to this frustration and told me (the only line that stuck with me throughout this whole incident), "Well, you probably because you had that look (that he scolded you)" and "You should apologize". Emotions flooded through me and my immediate reaction was defend because all my other emotions were telling me, "see, you were wrong", "you are going to be hated by this teacher", "you shouldn't have done that", "you should have thought quicker", "you should have just apologized like you normally do", and none of these thoughts were allowing me to do anything other than fight back. I fought with my mom again that night.

To this day, I'm not sure what side was right and what I should or should not feel about it, but I still regret sending an apology email.

Take this story in any way you wish to, but over anything else, please take this as learning material in your own life and learn from my mistakes.