Smoke

Chapter one

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When I get home I head to my bedroom without seeing anyone. Moms probably not home and jack is probably in his room. As I enter my room a wave of dizziness hits me. I hold onto my door frame until it passes. I find my fasting app and look at the numbers, 34 hours, tomorrow evening I plan to break my fast with something small. I developed an eating disorder late last year and I've only fallen deeper into my bad habits since then. I even picked up smoking after I heard it subdues hunger.
I've noticed some changes since I've gotten sick. My hair is thinning but that only started recently, other things have been happening much longer like dizziness, shaking all the time and I'm colder than I used to be. Those are the negative things I've noticed but I've also noticed some good things like; I can see my ribs now, and my cheek bones are more notable. I only feel good about my self when I haven't eaten. The feeling of emptiness is too addicting to stop.
I decide to take a shower and read a little before I fall asleep.
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     A loud noise coming from outside my door startled me awake and I realize it's jack trying to have a conversation with my mo who's all the way downstairs. I get up and slip some shorts on and head to my door. "God you're loud" I groan towards my brother. "Sorry but you need to be awake anyways. You're welcome for waking you up on time." I roll my eyes at his comment and head to my bathroom to get ready.
     When I reach my bathroom I look reluctantly towards the scale that's across from the shower. I close my eyes and hope for a good number as I step on the scale. After a second of gaining my confidence I look down at the small black numbers. I repeat the number to my self; 118.4. 118.4. 118.4. It's not as much of a loss as I was hoping for but .2 pounds isn't too bad.
    I step off the scale and get ready for school.
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   I'm halfway to school and two cigarettes into my walk and I begin to dread school. I normally do fine in school but today we start the cooking section of home economics. That's a problem for me for obvious reasons. I almost drop my cigarette from my hands as I realize I'm shaking. I stop walking for a moment and look upwards and close my eyes and let out an unnerving breath full of smoke to calm myself. It works well enough for me to keep walking but I'm no where near calm.
    I make it to lunch without any problems and I start my walk to the back entrance that leads towards the fields. That's where I like to spend my lunch because only a dozen or so people gather here and none of them notice that I eat little to no food at lunch.
    I sit down at the bench farthest from anyone and light my cigarette that's hanging between my lips. I inhale deep and close my eyes to enjoy it. The first drag is always the best. I exhale and grab my phone to check up on my fast. 52 hours. 118.4. The number comes back to me and I begin to hate it. The weight came off really fast in the beginning but it's beginning to slow down. I don't understand it though. I've gotten better at restricting so I should be losing more than this.
   I notice my breathing picking up and I start smoking at a faster pace to calm myself before I have to go back to class. The bell takes my attention away from my breathing and I exhale  the last bit of smoke before dropping the butt to the ground and walking towards the school building. As I near the school I start seeing black spots in my vision and I stop and close my eyes to clear them away. When I open my eyes they're gone.
     I start walking towards Mrs. Jones class; home economics. Fuck me. When she told us we were doing a cooking course she seemed really excited about it. That makes one of us. I just hope she doesn't notice my distaste for this course.
      I walk into the class and take a seat near the back by a window. The class is set up with desks that seat two people. By the time the bell rings for class to start no one has sat down in the seat next to mine which I'm quite happy about.
    "Okay everyone!" Mrs. Jones says with to much excitement. "Todays the big day. The cooking unit starts today and we have a project starting tomorrow that will last until the end of the semester. You'll be paired with the person sitting with you, and you will have to work together throughout the course which will contain many smaller projects." She continues with a grin that shows how happy she is. "Hunter isn't here today so he'll be partnering with Mia tomorrow. Okay?" She looks towards me and waits for my approval. I nod my head after a minute and she looks away satisfied and tells everyone to get to know their partner.
     Hunter Jones, Mrs. Jones son is known for his looks and for his bad attitude. I dread having to work with him but I don't have a say in the matter. I doubt he would notice my actions around food because he doesn't know e well enough to see anything abnormal about it.
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   After the last bell of the day I head towards the entrance of the door but I'm stopped by Mrs. Jones standing near the doors. She walks towards e with a friendly smile plastered on her face. "Hey Mia I was wondering if I could talk to you in my classroom for a minute?" She asks sweetly. "Yeah sure" I reply with a quick smile sent to her.
     "Are you ok?" She asks with a concerned voice as I sit down across from her. "Yeah I'm fine" I reply with what I hope is a convincing smile. "Are you sure" she asks, "because you've seemed distant and distracted these past few weeks. And you look paler that usual."
    I curse myself inwardly at her words. It's becoming obvious. She's noticing things that I can't afford her knowing. "Oh it's just the stress of junior year hitting me. You know how it is with my exams coming up and college prep. I'm just kinda swamped with us all, but I'm managing it." I try to convince her that that's all it is. "I didn't get out much this summer so I am a buy paper than I used to be. But that's all" I say and hope she doesn't notice me over compensating with excuses. "Ok I just wanted to check up on you" she says after she scans my face probably looking for signs that I'm lying.
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       I'm walking slowly towards my house as I light my third cigarette. I began chain smoking after my close encounter with Mrs. Jones. I realize I have to be more careful. I can't let her find out about my eating habits.
    I walk into my house and I'm met with my smiling parents in the kitchen. They're hardly home but they are always home Wednesday evening for family dinner. They greet me with smiles when I walk towards the kitchen. Jack is already sitting at the island on his phone.
    "Hey" I say with a smile directed at my parents. They turn from the food they're cooking and shoot me a quick smile. "Hey. Would you set the table for us". I nod and head towards the dining room.
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     I'm sitting across from jack at the table listening to him talk about his day. When he finishes my dad looks towards me and says,"what about you. How was your day?" This draws everyone's attention to me and I look up and reply "it was good. We started the cooking unit in home ec today." "That should be fun!" My mom says happily. I nod and everyone goes back to eating and having small talk. I look down at the noodles covered in white sauce sitting next to a small piece of grilled chicken. I guess 150 for the whole piece of chicken and 410 for the noodles. There's no way I'll eat all of that.
      I scrape the remaining food off my plate into the trash as I estimate how many calories I consumed. I ate two bites of the chicken so I'll round up to 50. And about a fourth of the noodles is about 110. So about 160 is my total for today.  It's not too bad but I still find myself disappointed.
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I lie in bed after dinner and stare at my ceiling. 118.4 118.4 118.4. The number is stuck in my head and I can't get rid of it. 118.4 118.4 118.4. I throw my hands up to cover my eyes as I feel tears fighting to escape. 118.4 118.4 118.4 chants through my head until I finally find sleep.
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A/n ok first chapter. It's kinda slow but it will pick up. I mostly wanted to introduce mia in this chapter. Do t worry next chapter you'll meet hunter. Lmk what you think
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