Hey, its been a while since I last wrote...sorry...life's been a mess.
The world was turned upside down. Everyone from highschool abandoned me, but i found a couple people who like me. Only my girl friend knows the real me. Who I was, what I did. But she doesn't know about his, here. Which is fine. I need a safe space sometimes.
I've been looking and reflecting...wow was I dick. No wonder they all left, but it still hurts.
I still think about my exes, not about the sex or anything like that. But remembering. All the promises, hopes and dreams that we were almost certain would come true...i wish someone could've told me sooner that it was all just something we told ourselves to make life easier....
I guess I'll start with whats really been bothering me. I can't even after almost four years get her out of my head. For now we'll call her C.
C and I was the best time of my life, but also the scariest. Not because of some big adventure or risky things....because I saw an actual future with her....and she was too young back then. But I loved her...correction, Love her. I know I shouldn't but she truly has my heart. No matter how many times she smashes it and rips if apart... i can't get over her. We made so many plans and I was so excited...then I ran...
I ran because I was scared, not of the commitment but because if her parents knew I was almost for sure going to be beaten or forced to never see her again....so I ran....i fucking ran....goddamit....Celia....if you ever read this for some out of the blue reason....im sorry. I promise I never used you even if it felt like it....i loved you every second. Every moment every promise every dream we had...i meant...and you said maybe if we meat down the line later we could try...i doubt that chance will ever come. But I love you...I'd love to have you back in my life....but i know thats alot to ask....im sorry for everything....
Sorry everyone...just had a moment...well let's see, Ah i know.
M...oh M...honestly, I hope you're doing okay. I hope that life isn't beating you down like it used to. I hope you found a man thats finally enough, I hope your jobs don't suck and that guy got the hell out of your life.... i hope you got the help you needed...i hope maybe one day we could talk again. Thats really all I have right now...
And lastly...Jesus this is gonna be interesting.
A......you left me.....I dont know why....but you left me...again....so I have nothing to say to you....You were the one that walked away, no explanation not even a goodbye.....just....gone....you made me not be able to trust again....i hope you're happy....
