M A A H E E
Loneliness is an inevitable feeling in life. I found myself drowning in this every day for the last eighteen months no matter how many people I was surrounded with. I had my parents and sister but talking to them felt like as if they didn't even know who I truly was. Sometimes, I wish I could be happier for them. I would do it in a heartbeat if it were up to me. Feeling this void was just something I had gotten used to. Ironically enough, loneliness became my companion.
"Are you ever paying attention?" Ziasha badgered at me. Startled, I spun my face around to see what the matter was.
"Are you even surprised. Mahee will only listen if we're talking about her." Ameera laughed.
Unfortunately, this rung true. I had a bad habit of zoning off and escaping into my world. I felt safer in the comfort of my alternate reality. Lately, everything just had been feeling so dull. You would think eighteen months is a long time to get over someone who didn't even want you, but it's not. To tell the truth, it never made sense to me how things played out the way they did. Whether it made sense or not- it was the reality I have to live in.
"No, sorry. What did you say again?" I ask.
"I was just going to ask you if you were down to go to a party Saturday night." Ziasha said.
Truth be told, I hated parties. There wasn't a single one that I went to and I actually enjoyed it. Running into drunk people left and right was not fun. It never made sense to me how people liked to become shitfaced to the point they weren't in control anymore. I know, everyone copes differently or has their own version of fun, but it just didn't coincide with me.
"I really need to turn in a sample for this short story project, and I can't afford to party on Saturday because it's due the next day." I said.
Please God, let me out of this one. I already knew I was going to end up at a party Saturday, but it's worth a shot. I actually do have to turn in a sample by Sunday, so it wasn't a lie.
"I thought you already wrote a narrative about you and Jake." She said. Ameera looked up at me when she heard Ziasha say Jake. Every time his name was brought up, I always felt a sinking feeling in my chest, and you know how many times I've heard it? The fact that his name is commonly used everywhere didn't help.
Ameera peered up at me with her big brown glossy eyes, and seeing my sadness reflect in them wasn't the most thrilling feeling. I swallowed the lump in my throat and forced myself to not react. I think deep down we both knew that narrative went a lot deeper for me than just a project.
"I don't know if I'm going to turn that in, because everything I wrote in that sample is true to how I feel in my heart, and it'll be hard to continue something that makes feel pain."
They both looked at me silently not knowing what to say. I hated talking about my breakup. It had been eighteen months, and everything hurt the way it did the last time I ever saw him. Imagine telling someone that they're the only person you ever want to be with and then all they had to say was "how do we know that we're right for each other if we haven't been with anyone else." I didn't need to be with anyone else to know that I would choose him every time.
When I heard those words leave his mouth, my heart left had my body literally. It had taken me weeks to build up the courage to say that, and it had been shattered in seconds. I'll never forget that day. It played in my mind on loop for hours. I slept four hours that night, and the next morning I had a four-hour drive to a conference. The entire drive there I replayed his words in my head trying to make sense of everything. The reality was he had already made his choice, and I was foolish to think that me telling him would change things.
