Fight To Forgive

From Pain To Steps

Is there something you want to tell me?

Earlier that day.

I am sitting on the sofa with my wife. We are watching something on the TV, talking a little, but the usual non comital stuff. One day we will talk properly again, like we used to way back when. I reached over to pick up my phone and our hands touched. Her hand shot away from mine like it had been struck by lightning. I was shocked, a look of hurt and surprise swept over my face. We looked at each other, she looked embarrassed and equally shocked. She looked at me totally uncomfortable and said sorry. But the usual poor atmosphere that surrounded us these days hit rock bottom. I don't know why, but I just knew things were about to never be the same again.

I am far from a perfect husband with huge issues and acting out. But more of this later in the story.

We had a cup of tea before heading to bed that night. There was the normal small talk, nothing close or personal again as usual. We were growing apart by the minute. We needed to have a conversation, there were things I needed to discuss with my partner, things we needed to say and accept to save our relationship and put our lives back on track.

We went to bed that evening, two people in a king-sized bed with their backs against one another and not talking is a very lonely place. I so wanted to talk about us, things, the future, the way forward. But I was too scared. I was too worried about saying things the wrong way. It had been so long coming that the simple first sentence had become a mountain, was still unsaid and had grown into a complete mountain range by now. We were two separate people sharing a bed and a house, but not a life.

Eventually I went to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night, the bed was empty. Just me. I lay still, scared to move, don't know why. I lay there waiting for my partner, we will call her Jenny, to come back. Even though we were sad, lonely and almost grown apart, I still wanted to know that she was there. After quite some time I felt very worried. I knew something was very wrong! I got out of bed, half asleep to go looking for my partner. I went downstairs and saw some light in the kitchen. There on the sofa was Jenny with the table top lamp switched on throwing just a little light in the room.

She had been crying. My wife was looking at me with two black empty eyes. They reflected nothing back to me, no feeling, no emotion, just empty and dead. I just stood there, hands hanging.

I don't know how long this had been, but eventually she looked at me and spoke with a cold monotone voice said, "Have you got something you want to say to me?" Long pause.

"I will give you one last chance, have you got anything you want to say to me"

Fear and questions were flying around my head. "About what" I said. I was happy to talk, but what was this about? Jenny was motionless, just looking at me. I don't think she even blinked.

"Who is Sally" is all she said. The bottom fell out of my world and my tummy just knotted up and squeezed fear around my body. I had been so lonely and low that I had been on a chat site and met Sally. We chatted by text and had on two occasions had cyber sex which is a shitty thing to do. It is a false, empty and sickening experience. Sally was my substitute Jenny. I used her to get rid of my frustrations and tensions so that Jenny and I didn't fight. The trouble is it also helped stop that first question that was so needed.

Jenny past me her phone and said "read"

I don't know how this had happened, but there was my list of shame. Every single text to and from my phone to Sally going back and back and back. I felt bile in my mouth. Why oh why had I not just talked in the past?

Jenny told me to sit down, she came up to the table, sat across from me, held my hand and said, "We need to talk. I have followed you for ages and was about to forgive you, but you just had to start talking to her again" She asked me to text her right then and break it off. In silence and with fear in my motions I did just that.

Then we talked and talked and talked. We were finally getting places I thought. I explained my fears, my loneliness, my hitting porn sites to replace the sex we were not having and chatting to Sally about things that I should have been talking to Jenny about.

Jenny then asked me a question. I can't remember now what it was. I just know it was out of the blue. I paused while I got my head into gear and answered honestly. Jenny took the pause as hiding an answer. It was not, I was just trying to comprehend the question. She looked at me and said "You fool" got up and left the room. She told me not to think about coming up to our bed. She said as she left, "You need help, but not from me" She had left something on the table, it was a document about divorce.

I moved to the bedroom downstairs. The only contact we had was at meals, silent meals with just the odd polite words. It was important not to allow complete separation and just those few minutes kept contact alive.

I saw our doctor and told him I may have anger management issues and a failing marriage. He put me onto a consultant who specialised in what he saw as 'my area'. I spoke to Jenny about this. She thawed slightly but was not willing to come with me to a consultation visit. It was, in her eyes, my problem. As long as I didn't hurt our daughter she would stay in the house and allow me to stay as well.

I saw a solicitor and spoke to a them about divorce proceedings. I decided to let it ride and see what Jenny may do. Despite the black hole we were in, I believed we could work things out or at least find a level. I believed at some time we could talk.

I saw the consultant twice. In the first visit we discussed why I thought I was there and I gave her a brief life history. Again, I will come to this a little later in my story. On the second session, she just sat me down and out of the blue with no explanation told me she thought I was a sexaholic and this was not her area of expertise and goodbye. A WHAT!!!! What The Fuck. What just happened? No explanation? No understanding? She just took her one-hour fee and had me out of the office in less than ten minutes.

I told Jenny what happened. At the word 'sexaholic' I saw the lights go out and the shutters come down. I thought we could explore this together. Research it. Given we had a name on an issue we could try to understand what it was, where I was and how to get over it. How wrong was I? Jenny would talk about anything, the price of cod, wind turbines, a recipe for soup, but not now, not ever 'sexaholic'. It meant I was dirty, tainted, a person non gratis that others walked past. I was on my own. But as you will find out about me – I don't roll over; I don't give up – ever. While I may now be the only person on planet earth that thought there was a chance to turn things around, I don't give up!

I researched what was out there to help me. I discovered a self-help group that I am not allowed to name, but they had a steps programme like Alcoholics Anonymous. As well as this I spoke to a marriage guidance councillor who had training in my condition and agreed to see me without my partner. Their only rule was if Jenny ever agreed to seek guidance as well, she would have to have sessions with a different guide to start with, then one meeting with both of us and the two advisors before moving ahead with the one councillor. I spoke about seeing the self-help group with my guide. She felt it was the correct path to go and we set up our first meeting after my first two self-help meetings. A plan. A way forward.

Jenny refused to go to marriage guidance or talk about the self-help group or meetings. I was dirty and tainted, but not harming our daughter so I could stay in the house, but in another bedroom for I don't know how long. Well, at least we were still under the same roof. That was positive!!!