𝑺𝑲𝑰𝑵𝑺 𝑳𝑰𝑳 𝑷𝑬𝑬𝑷

★︎ 𝙏𝙒𝙀𝙉𝙏𝙔 - 𝙎𝙄𝙓 ★︎

☹︎𝙑𝙀𝙉𝙐𝙎 ☹︎

it felt like days. i didnt talk to anybody because i was paranoid. school felt more of an option instead of mandatory. the few people i felt close to are starting to feel distant. i felt like i was gonna relapse again.

i didnt wanna do that. im doing so good not touching anything but the stress is killing me. my head felt like it was exploding with my undying thoughts. i felt like i was solving my sister's murder by myself.

i was putting the pieces together even in places where it didnt fit. the scenarios in my head kept me up for days. i really felt like i was drowning. nothing felt real. i didnt know what to believe. or if maybe i was somehow next.

what if somehow gus was next? or ian. my only family. what if i was being watched right now? i jumped up from my bed checking my windows and closet. what if i was really next? my chest was hurting.

i curled in a ball of pain. almost crying. i felt vulnerable. all my insecurities were open. my mind was racing and i couldnt stop it. i couldnt call for help because nobody would believe me. i was stuck, glued to the bed paralyzed by my own thoughts.

it felt like hours, my alarm ringing continuously but i was still stuck. i kept telling myself you have to get up venus. you cant lay in bed all day. gus would be here any minute to take you to school, get up.

pushing myself off the bed i went to shower. avoiding the mirror this time because i did not even wanna see what i looked like. i had to hurry up and shower to make myself look presentable. gus honked his horn while ian and i came outside.

i looked around examining everything before getting in the car. gus leaned over to give me a kiss. he smiled looking at me.

"you look beautiful today, baby." he said with a small smile on his face. i held his hand.

"thank you," i watched out the car window as we cruised down the street. "can you come sleep with me tonight?"

"of course, but are you okay?" he asked, i looked at him shaking my head.

"i just need my baby to sleep with." it wasnt a lie but wasnt the real reason. i felt bad for lying but how can i explain to him how paranoid i was about me being watched. that is if i really am being watched. he smiled.

"im always a call away, babe." i nodded.

"and i highly appreciate that." he blew me a kiss, we pulled up to my school, i sighed.

"dont worry, ill be here later to pick yall up." i kissed him and slid my finger under his chin.

"ill see you later goth sinner." he smiled at me again.

"yes you will, angel." i felt dread to walk in this school. i was honestly terrified because of my anxiety. what ifs running through my head severely. i started to walk away sighing, i dont wanna be here.

"v! venus!" i heard jax yell after me, i really wanted to avoid him so badly.

"yes?" i asked, he looked so sad for some reason, ive never really seen him that way.

"youve been avoiding me." no fucking shit, jax, you left me to die.

"sorry, just not in the right headspace." i lied, i just needed him away from me.

"you can always talk to me, v. if youre mad at me please just tell me. im so sorry about what happened. i really am." i nodded.

"im good, youre good." i started to walk away, i need outta here now. i almost ran to the bathroom, i cant. i cant do this. i watched at the girls staring at me. i shouldnt be here. i felt like everyone's eyes were seeping into my skin. why is everyone staring at me?

did they know? what if theyre all plotting against me. i wanna hide. i feel so weak being in the open. i felt my body start to shake and panic arise.

youre good venus. youre good venus. youre good venus. youre good venus. youre good venus. youre good venus.

i repeated it in my head like a broken record. the anxiety was killing me and all i wanted to do was drown it with a pill. multiple pills. i jus wanted out of here so badly.

"venus?" i heard allison call, she stood in front of me like she had been waiting for me to answer. i looked up at her, there was tears drying up on my cheeks. "hey, you okay?"

"yeah, im fine." i answered, i honestly didnt even know what we were. im not even friends with yoh shorty, why is she so worried about me.

"you dont look fine." well thanks, cause thats what anybody whose sober wants to hear.

"im sober right now." i said almost biting at my nails. she looked shocked, she sat down beside me with her body facing mine.

"no shit? since when is the venus ever sober?" yall all say it like im some legendary bitch. it annoyed me so much.

"as of right now yes,im sober. its fucking killin me." she laughed and slipped out a small baggie with pills in it.

"meet me in the bathroom? ill take care of you, v." i stared at them, she lifted her hand up to my stomach trying to keep it a secret. nah fuck this. i got up taking my bag with me, i needed away from this.

"hey! venus!" she called as i was almost running away from it. i promised. i promised. i promised. please, i promised.

everything is so fucking tempting but i have to stay focused. i sat in an empty bathroom jus trying to collect myself. my head hurt from overthinking so much, all i wanted was peace. just peace.

𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘥, 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘦.