Thoughts

Love is pain

I lay awake in my room starring up at my celling thinking about where you are, where you've been, and where you'll go. I lay awake in wonder at what we could have been, and at what I could have given to you. Then I look at my clock and see that it's 4am, too late to go to bed now I think to myself. This is the third night in a row I've stayed up thinking about you. You seem to be the only thing that's ever on my mind anymore, day and night all I see is you. I keep seeing your face smiling down on me as I stare into your dark brown eyes. I can picture your laugh in my mind, and all the funny faces you would make. I picture all the "I love you" we have said to each other. But oh how you have turned so cold, each time we move two steps father, we fall 5 steps back and you push me away, close me off. You shut down and put up walls surrounding you, so that no one can get to you, so that no one can hurt you. And now you've found someone new, you found someone to fill the void you had in your heart. But you've left me behind, I tried to fill your void to the best I could, but I couldn't. Even now, with the void filled, there's still space in it, and you're still hurting inside. Just now, we have fallen back to square one, and we don't seem to talk anymore, you don't let me in, instead you slam the door shut, lock it, and throw the key into the ocean. Never seeming to find it again, yet a small hope resigns in me, so I get into a boat to find it, to find the key to open the door. Yet as time goes on, we drift further and further apart... Never seeming to get back to how we used to be.

I will get over it, maybe. I'm not sure what the future has in store for me. I keep trying to tell myself that as long as he is happy then I will be happy. But it's not working, no matter how much I tell myself that I am fine, I'm just lying to myself. I feel like I'm being selfish with how I feel about this situation, I should feel happy and fine. But I don't, it's hurting me deep inside and I'm trying to claw my way out but it's not working. I'm filled with rage and sadness, never seeming to break the loop I'm trapped it. Someone said to me once, "You're killing yourself by loving him" maybe they're right, maybe not....