Dymistifying Feminism and Masculinity

DYMISTIFYING FEMINISM AND MASCULINITY

In the early moments of the month of September, 2020, I met an interesting and torrential argument on Facebook on Esther Viller's text "The Manipulated Man" and was poised to chip in with my own submission but then I discovered I was writing ceaselessly so I opted for an article intstead. However, as opinionated as this piece may seem, it's aim is to balance the argument on masculinity and feminism owing to it's pervasive nature.

To the critical and rational minds who may have made quite some unarguable and intelligent points on violence against masculinity or feminism with emphasis on  "Domestic Violence", You all may have as a matter of personal experiences or observations, poured out suiting responses and pointed out some truism to the text. However, argument in it's two sidedness can never be left with a finishing touch. No one can unravel the mystery of masculinity and feminism and to be on the safer side, you don't need to picture or handle for instance, the ratio of domestic violence against men like a pinch of salt. In Nigeria we are negligent about statistics and poor research coupled with mindless lifting of figures from parent research, we can only draw vague conclusions because our findings are usually invented so it's accuracy and authenticity stand questioned. Hence, what is said to be fact isn't fact at all. So what about ratio? Has the tallies stoped? or does it stop it from happening? As little as the cases may seem, it shouldn't be ignored.

On the one hand, you can never know how many men out there suffered domestic violence and still do. Most times, the victims are scared of been ridiculed if they come out open and of course decides to conceal it. This is Africa; their masculinity will always be questioned and ego quashed by those having it alright and pretentiously by victims who don't have the confidence to do so. What most of us see domestic violence as isn't what it seems cos it's not always in brutal forms but sometimes as an introduction of emotionally traumatic silence and actions by both gender.

On the other hand, women who don't get enough of these 3 A's: Attention, Appreciation and Acceptance, fail to understand that the constantly nursed pain is nothing other than "starvation of emotional satisfaction." In speedy conclusion, they resolve with misperceived misconception "I think my man is seeing another woman" and these in turn paves way for the "cheated woman" to seek revenge via formations of tantrums, naggings, steady quarrels and sometimes a show of physical strength accompanied with brutal and uncontrollable hittings of the woman by the man. All of these metamorphose into what many see as the only form of domestic violence as initiated by an indoctrinated mind who must have been told how to run her home by an unfortunate woman whose home failed on the grounds of mistrust, lack of connection and or promiscuity by the man or vice-varsa and so believe that every relationship failures can be attributed to same.

Why is it easy for such conclusion "men are scum?" Why not the women asking their partners what goes wrong? and what's with the sudden change with a simple communication? In everything, you must find cause and effect; not every circumstances are patterned one way, there is a different phase to every relationship issues. It could be a man battling hard times in silence; waiting for the woman to ask "what bothers you my dear?" It is totally wrong to arrive at the hasty statement "All men are the same."

Supportively, No man knows how the female mind works. In this connection, on a marital view point, a man who doesn't understand the character of a changed wife who in comparison with other successful partners decides to dwell on constant degrading of the husband, suffers in silence. In steady denial of majorly sex, home made food, care, deliberate change of the physical appearance and charm of the woman, awkward dress sense, poor or no contribution at all to family growth, lack of mannerliness, disrespect, subscribed self liability and a deliberate way of not knowing what to try her hands on to support the financial strength of the man and if lucky to be a career woman, opts to blaming not having time for the family on "Time" as a swap bread winner. In all of these, the Queens of the world still pretend not to know the effect of their methodic madness expecting calmness? hell no! the men perceives manipulation, harrasement and embarrassment and with aggressive response let hell break loose.

From an Islamic view point, most women see man as naturally promiscuous and have drawn more instances in frowns believing that the Islamic tenets of marrying more than one wife as a "sunnatic" approach to marriage is nothing but a corvette to hide under by promiscous men. I wonder if that is the only way Sunnah is given a chance. The abuse of such practice by most men have chaotically left so many families apart today and by extension have become an unwashed trait to many men out there who have exhibited same in their relationships thereby fuelling the stereotype of the cheating nature of man. Because this has gone out of control, the society now label it as a common thing and nonchalantly most men see nothing wrong with it even when caught in the act of cheating. To the African man, it's just all about divorce and nothing more. " I already have kids with her so I have nothing to loose; I can always marry another." This happens only in Africa! In the western countries, such act comes with a price: a court case, a forfiture of some percentages of accumulated assets, monies and then divorce. This is more like it!

I see no reason why the woman should be used as a beast of burden, a domestic slave, a sex gadget or baby factory in the name of marriage or religious rulings of how marriage should be or the submissiveness of the woman towards her husband. What happens to what she wants, her desires, her aspirations, her personal life? Is it ok for their lifes to be manipulated like the electric switch and still be beseeched with cruelty, lack of attention, lack of appreciation and unfaithfulness? Do we still have to blame them for these?

In reitration, I am not on the side of feminism or masculinity. My stands on this, is that the argument on feminism and masculinity is like a double edged sword and both are lethal so either of the sides shouldn't be favoured over the other for both feminism and masculinity have their view points on which they stand strongly on. To me the writer's piece is a philosophical submission and reflection of her inner thoughts. Instead of arguing over the points Esther Viller exposed, why not we stand firmly on the dymistifying question: why feminism or masculinity? Why not equality?