Shattered dreams

It's fine, it's okay

My mind cried out as the scene played before me. I could feel my soul in my chest, heaving in time to each sob that wracked my body; she is so beautiful.

My pale hands shook, no longer able to support my body they had dropped me to the ground. My head landed with a dull thunk, reverberating as it bounced from the amount of force it had landed with. But that's somewhere in the distance, this isn't happening to me. I stared at my body with a detached uncertainty, I looked like a corpse, the only movement was the coagulated gunk that slithered out of my nose, mingling with the tears until no one could say which was which.

It wasn't pretty, but that's life.

I felt the rush of copper absently as it filled my mouth, I knew if I looked I would see red. I mused over that for a second, I see red, I see red, I see red. It was a short reprieve as it dragged me back into my body, the memory of her singing those words just recently, the syllables she had twirled around, making so soft and sweet.

I closed my eyes, closed them so you couldn't see the puffy crimson that had taken up residence since that day.

I could feel the translucent fluid trickling down to my nose. I watched it drop to the tiled ground and stared at it, the way it splattered when it hit the pale sky-blue, no more than the size of a pea.

Drop after drop landed, just as enthralling as the last.

I could feel another memory clawing its way into my mind, twisting and churning inside of me like a brain tumour. The tumour swelled, I could feel it pushing at my mind, tearing it to pieces.

But I didn't care.

I gave in.

Let it grow.

~~~

A faint ding echoed throughout the room, waking me from a momentary slumber I had fallen restlessly into.

In the dim room, lit only by the grandiose of Earth's natural satellite, I fumbled for my phone; fingers numb.

There was a message from her.

I took a deep breath, feeling the blood pump in my ears. Feeling it throbbing, shaking and rattling me to my core.

I couldn't enter my password for the longest time. I was ensnared by that lock screen I had changed and entangled within all the lies that had led to the new contact name.

At the cruel snap of some God's fingers, we had fallen apart. She just happened to have fallen straight into another's arms.

That word 'friend' haunted me, I got up, the world swayed, the corners of my mind turned an eerie charcoal colour, devoid of any light; devoid of any hope.

Black spots littered my vision, I imagined her with him.

She wasn't coming back to me this time.

I felt nausea overwhelm me and I was stumbling, fighting to stay on my feet until I collapsed onto my knees beside the rim of the toilet.

I stayed there, felt the hum in my ears, ignored the lingering smell of faeces.

I dry wretched, my shoulders shaking and my heart rattling in its cage. My oh so broken heart.

But it didn't feel that way, it didn't feel that peaceful, as though it had just snapped clean in half.

No, no, it was as though a grenade had been shoved down my throat, puncturing the walls of my oesophagus and my lungs. It was placed beside my heart in a gentle, mocking caress as it tangled up in my arteries. It was ready to explode when we said that word.

When my life lost all its meaning.

The picture of him flashed in my mind again, I envisioned him wrapping his arms around her, seeing them kiss in a lover's embrace. Saying those three words that used to belong to me.

This time I did scream, a hoarse discordant cacophony of sound that dried out my insides. I put my head in my hands, wanting to scream until it consumed me, wanting the morning to never come.

I could feel my soul clambering up and out of my body, eviscerating all my organs as it passed.

Cold as a knife it sliced through me, leaving me to bleed. I would leave me too, if I could.

But when I looked in the mirror, nothing. My hair was a mess, sure. My eyes and cheeks were flushed scarlet, sure. But I looked fine. I checked myself for scars, for any real evidence of what I could feel. But there was none.

I was intact.

In my mind, I felt like a piece of pale cloth that someone had torn holes out of and then sewn back together to form the rough shape of me.

The broken girl. But how could I feel so torn and empty and yet look so okay?

The flashbacks severed my mind in half and any sense of calm I had started to feel faded into calamity instead, sending upon me a fresh wave to obliterate what was left of my feeble mind.

I was nothing but a damaged ragdoll.

I leant over the toilet, releasing the contents of my stomach, feeling the putrid acid as it spurted out my mouth and nose, burning my already damaged features.

Barely breathing, I clutched at the white porcelain, seeing the way bile dribbled out of my mouth and into the already tainted bowl like a pathetic waterfall.

I exhaled slowly, hearing the rattle of my dying heart retreating further into its enclosure as though it was afraid of me.

I noticed how the world around me was silent, I focused on that.

This was good, I had read somewhere that noticing the little things was good.

My shirt was drenched in tears, mucus, and sweat. I noticed that now.

I could feel my stomach boiling like a stew on the stove, bubbling its yellowy-brown concoction of colours.

I noticed how my head felt agonisingly painful, a headache blooming from crying and hitting it earlier.

I noticed the ringing in my ears descending in pitch, lessening to no more than a crackle.

I noticed that the ground was cold against my palms, sending an icy chill up my arms, the fine hairs prickling up across my vulnerable skin.

I shivered now and rubbed my fragile feminine arms, electing to stare at the moon.

Now you've given me, given me

Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams.