Mère

Chapter 3

Shortly after our wild night, Daniel’s advice wrung in my head. “Do I have to date someone?”, I thought. I often had the fantasy that I would meet my dream girl, who I had everything in common with, and that she would be the first, and last person that I dated. I never thought of dating as something that you have to practice. After our school holiday, we returned for a new year of school. I thought that the new year would be different, for I was different. I was more popular, people were being friendly to me, I no longer looked like an otter…everything seemed great. As we progressed into the year, I noticed how people looked at me differently. Before, people looked at me as if they were looking through me, as if I were a ghost. Now they could see me, and I basked in the spotlight. Daniel started dating. He always treated dating girls like hunting for sport. He would date as many as he could, then decided which one suited him the most. In this particular case he had four girls to choose from, one of which I became friends with, for she was in my class. Her name was Vanessa. Vanessa was very fair, however, she had more of a milky skin colour, rather than pale. Her hair was an intense black and contrasted her skin immensely. She had full, pink lips and a slim face, with impressive cheekbones. Her face was the kind that inspired art and drove poets to insanity. She seemed to like Daniel, even though they had nothing in common. Daniel dated her, however, had his three other girls on the side as well, to choose the best one. Vanessa didn’t know this. One day, outside of school, we ran into each other.
“Hey, Sebastian, right?”, said Vanessa
“Yep…and I already know who you are.”
“How?”
“I’m friends with Daniel.”
“Oh cool, for how long?”
“For four years now.”
“Wow, I’m surprised he didn’t mention you.”
“Me too…so how are things with you two?’
“They’re good I guess…”, she said, while looking down
“Do you like soccer? Daniel loves soccer.”
“Not really.”
“How about comic books? He kind of likes those too.”
“I don’t mind watching movies about comic book characters.”
“Really? Then let me ask you this…do you think Batman would be a good superhero in a suburb like this?”
“Of course, he’s Batman.”
“No, no, no, think about it carefully. I mean, if he were real and were in a suburb like this, how would he function? There aren’t any skyscrapers or tall buildings, so how would he navigate around and save people?”
“Well, he could just drive his bat-mobile.”
“Pfft, really? You think the police aren’t going to notice a giant bat tank roaring down our quiet streets?”
“He’s Batman dude, he will find a way to escape!”, she said, while laughing
“Okay, but where? Wherever he goes he will be noticed. We all live in a relatively small community, so if the cameras don’t see him you can bet your ass that some old gossiping ladies will, and then he’s screwed.”
“Dude, you’re such a pessimist. Who do you think would do a good job then?”
“Superman…he can hear a heartbeat from space, can fly faster than the speed of sound, held a black hole in his hands and he once dodged a spee-”
“Overrated!”, she interjected
“How dare you, sir!”, I said
“Listen, I get how all you Superman fanboys love his red underwear and his tight blue costume, but don’t be so quick to play the Superman card, he’s way too overpowered. It makes him a boring character.”, she smirked
“You’re an arrogant little person, aren’t you?”
“Don’t you talk about my height!”, she said, trying to look stern, but trying her hardest not to smile
At that moment her mother came to fetch her. I gave her a fist bump and a goodbye, and then walked away. As she walked to her mother’s car, I turned around to look at her. She also turned around to look at me. We locked eyes for a second and she smiled at me before getting into the car. It still haunts me. We had many more debates after that, for we loved opposing each other, like rivals. I spoke to her often, even more than with Abel. A while later, Daniel wanted me to date, therefore, tried to set me up with Vanessa’s friend, Ariana. Ariana, apparently, liked me a lot, however, I wasn’t attracted to her whatsoever. We had nothing in common and she wasn’t particularly attractive to me…however, I felt bad and decided to at least try and get to know her. We walked together after school and she was very awkward. She told me that she liked me because I seemed like a “nice guy”, and “not like most guys.”, even though she barely knew me. We walked for a few days in a row, until I concluded that we were not compatible and that it would be better for me to tell her this early on, as to spare her the pain of prolonged hope for something that she wouldn’t have.
“Let me ask you something…we’ve been talking for a while now, and I still can’t tell if you like me. So, do you?”, asked Ariana
“Well, you’re very nice, and you seem like a cool person.”
“So…?”
“…No.”
One could say that I was harsh with that “No.”. I believe that I did the right thing. Vanessa, however, did not agree, when I told her what happened.
“Dude, you’re such an idiot.”, she said, with her hand on her forehead
“Why?”
“You just gave up the sweetest girl ever, and for what?”
“She’s not my type.”
“What is your type? Do you even have a type? I swear you’re asexual.”
“I’m not…I just like a certain type of girl, a girl who understands me.”
“Who on earth could understand you Sebastian”, she said, with a smile
“You understand me I guess…”
She blushed, “That’s only because you’ve deemed me worthy of venturing into your mind.”
“You’ve never been in my mind.”, I said
“Oh please, it’s my vacation house, baby.”
Vanessa was still with Daniel; however, Daniel never spoke of her to me. A few days later, he told me that his parents were going to go out of town for the weekend again, and that he wanted to have another wild night. Abel and I lied to our parents again and were able to go to Daniel’s house. Once we got there, we saw that Daniel had stepped up his game from the last time. This time he had two bottles of vodka, eight bottles of ciders, two packs of cigarettes, and a bag of marijuana. We began the night with shots and as the night progressed, we only drank more. We spoke about our personal lives a lot more freely when we were drunk, for all our inhibitions were lowered. Daniel, for the first time, spoke about his relationship with Vanessa. Abel was throwing up in Daniel’s bathroom.
“Bro, I need to talk to you about something…”, said Daniel
“What is it?”
“You know Vanessa…I see how close you two are. So, I need a favour from you. I want you to take her off my hands.”
“What?!”
“Look okay, I don’t want to just leave her because then she’ll hate me. So why don’t you just take her off my hands and date her.”
“Are you kidding me?”, I said, while looking at him with bewilderment
“You two get along really well, it’s perfect.”
“Why do you want to leave her?”
“She’s okay I guess, although she’s a little skinny for me…but there’s this fine-looking girl I’ve had on hold for a while now and I want her instead.”
“What the hell are you saying right now!”, I looked at him with contempt
“Relax man. Just help me out, please”
“I can’t date her we’re friends.”
“Yea, just date her for a while so that she gets over me, then you can dump her.”
“Stop talking about her like she’s a piece of meat! You’re an idiot for even thinking of giving her up!”
“Woah! I thought I would just ask you for a simple favour but okay, jeez, I’ll break up with her myself.”
He broke up with her later that night, over text. She told me the next day. She wasn’t heartbroken, for she had a feeling it was coming, and because she didn’t have deep feelings for Daniel. I thought about my conversation with Daniel…a lot. A week later, during class, Mr. Palmer went to the office to do some business and left us alone. Vanessa walked over to my desk and sat on it. She spoke to me like this often, as it made her feel “taller than me.”
“You know you’re a lot more confident these days.”, said Vanessa
“How so?”
“Well, before you never used to speak to girls or even look them in the eye, yet now I catch you staring at me now and then.”
I blushed. My heart started racing. “I uh…don't know what you mean.”, I said nervously
“Sure, you don’t.”
On my way home that day I could only think of her. I thought about her face and how I missed her already. “What’s happening to me…?”, I thought. When I reached home, I saw my mother trying to lift a heavy bag of rice onto the counter.
“What are you doing?”, I asked
“Just making dinner, my darling.”, this surprised me, because she never cooked anymore, as her back hurt too much
“You know you aren’t supposed to lift heavy things.”, I said, in a scolding manner
“Well, I’m still me. I can still do things for myself. I’m not useless.”
“What? All I’m saying is that you have to be careful. Your back is fragile and-”
“I know my back is fragile but I’m still your mother, so I have to take care of you. I’m not useless!”, she said, with a stern expression
“I didn’t say you were useless, I’m just saying-”
“Just. Let me. Do this, son.”, she said, with exasperation
She seemed to have gotten sick of staying indoors and feeling like she couldn’t do anything anymore. Her illness was terrible, for it wasn’t very visible. People heard of her circumstances and criticized her for leaving work. They said that “she was just being lazy” and that “she can’t be in that much pain”. That’s what happens to people who have her illness. Her own family looked at her with contempt, and never helped her, or me for that matter. It was us against the world. I loved my mother with all my heart, yet I couldn’t do anything to help her. The feeling of powerlessness enraged me. It didn’t matter that things were seemingly better for me, for as long as my mother was suffering, it meant nothing. I would have traded it all for her peace and happiness. Later that night, Vanessa phoned me.
“Hey you.”, she said
“This is unexpected.”
“I know, I just felt like talking to you.”
“About what?”
“I don’t know…tell me something interesting.”
“Err…A duck has three eyelids.”
“What? No, I meant something interesting about you, you’re such an idiot.”, she said, while laughing
“Oh…I found out that my name meant venerable.”
“You? Ha!”
“What’s so funny?”
“To be held in high regard you have to be held in regard first. You’re pretty low-key.”
“That’s slowly changing.”
“What’s bringing that on?”
“You.”
“What did I do?”
“You’re making me less introverted. I’m holding in my emotions less.”
“How so? You haven’t told me anything personal yet.”
“Okay…would you like to know something personal.”
“Yes please.”
“…my father was murdered when I was a baby.”
“Oh my God…I’m so sorry. Dude…why didn’t you say anything before?”
“I wasn’t sure about you. I wasn’t sure I could trust you.”
“And now you do? Why?”
“I don’t know…I just feel comfortable around you.”
“You make me feel comfortable too.”
“Would you like to tell me something personal?”
“Okay…my parents divorced when I was seven, because my father abused my mother.”
“And you live alone with your mother?”
“No, with my two smaller sisters.”
“Do you ever miss your father?”
“I do. He was a good dad…but he was a horrible husband.”
“I get it…people don’t understand what it’s like with a single parent. Their entire life gets consumed by their children and they can’t date because, what if the person isn’t good to their children? I know that my mother is lonely.”
“Dude, I know…my mother is the same. I hear her crying in her room all the time.”
“And what can we do? We’re just their kids. I wish I could help.”
“All we can do is provide support where we can and try to be the best children we could be.”
“Easier said than done…”
“Right…”
“I’m happy you have sisters to keep you company.”
“They drive me insane, but I love them. What’s it like being an only child?”
“I feel lonely sometimes. My mum usually makes me feel better.”
“She sounds like a wonderful person.”
“She is.”
After our phone call, I lied on my bed, staring at my white ceiling. I had just made myself very vulnerable…but I felt safe. She made me feel safe. The next morning, before school started, I saw Abel.
“And then?”, said Abel
“What?”
“I hear you’ve been spending time with Vanessa.”
“Where did you hear that?”
“A little bird told me, not important…what is important, however, is what’s going on between the two of you?”
“Nothing…”
“Please! I see the way you look at her. You really think you can hide that kind of emotion from me?”
“I…I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Sebby. When will you learn? You can’t hide things from me.”, he smirked
“You underestimate me, now go to class already.”
I hadn’t told anyone about how I was feeling about Vanessa. I didn’t want to feel any more vulnerable. I had never felt the way I felt about her, with anyone else. A part of me wanted to tell her, however, I was too terrified of being in such a position, where my fate was held in her hands. “I am the master of my fate.”, I thought. I hated being in a state where it seemed that my decisions were rendered inconsequential, and I still do. This place is so empty. I still don’t know where I am or why I’m here, but there must be some logical and rational explanation. I haven’t found an answer but there must be one…there must be.