Mère

Chapter 4

My mother and I were talking to each other less because she was always in bed, from taking all her pain medication. I missed her. One day she asked me how my life was going…it seemed she longed for her long-lost son. She called me into her room.
“Darling?”, she said, while sitting on her bed
“Yes mum.”, I said, from the door
“Come here darling.”, I went to her and she gave me a big hug. “Where have you been my little munchkin?”, she pinched my cheek. I remained silent but laid my head on her shoulder.
“You know we live in the same house, but I feel like I live alone. You’re always in that cave of yours. Why don’t you come talk to mummy?”
“You’re…always lying down.”
“So? You can still talk to me when I’m lying down. You know I just have to lie down for my back.”
“I know.”
“Then come talk to mummy darling. I miss talking to my baby.”, she kissed me all over my face
“Okay mum.”, I said softly, I got up and walked away. I turned to her before I walked out of the room. “I love you.”, I said
“I love you too my darling. More than the stars in the sky. More than the water in the sea. And more than the?”
“Sand on the beach…”
She often sang me lullabies, even when I got older. My mum loved singing. I had trouble sleeping because of my nightmares. They used to be vivid and left me breathless when I awoke. The most recurring one was where I was drowning. I remember that I woke up sweating, from how real it was. The weight of the water on my chest…and the feeling of helplessness made me afraid to sleep, but my mum made me feel safe again. One of her favourite songs to sing to me was: “You are my sunshine”. I remember, on one particular night, that my nightmare was so bad that I woke up screaming.
My mum turned on my room light, “What’s wrong darling?”. I started to cry. “Oh, my darling, shhh. I’m here for you now, my baby.”, she said
“I…I was going to die.”, I said, while choking on my tears
“I’m so sorry my baby. I’m here now my darling, no one is going to hurt you. Look at me sweetie.”, she held my face. “As long as I am with you, you don’t have to be afraid, I will protect you.”
“Okay.”, I said, while still sobbing
“Okay my darling, shhh. Lie down my baby, I’ll sleep next to you, until you feel better, okay?”, I remained silent
“Do you remember our song sweetie?”
“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You’ll never know dear; how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You’ll never know dear; how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away…”, she continued singing, in the sweetest voice, until I fell asleep. There aren’t enough words to express a mother’s love for her child.
When we got the chance, Abel and I tried to make up for lost time, since I spent so much time with Vanessa, and we were both busy with school. Whenever we spent a significant amount of time apart, we would have a lot to talk about. We usually spent time on the stairs of our complex.
“What’s been new with you recently?”, asked Abel
“I read a book called, Notes from the underground.”
“What’s it about?”
“It’s about this guy, who is a societal outcast. The reader isn’t introduced to his name, as he is only known as, the underground man. This man is spiteful at the world, but it stems from a hatred of himself. He says that he is not like other men, who are men of action. He believes that those men are imbeciles and don’t possess the level of intelligence, which he believes he does, to analyse life and understand its true nature. Even though he acknowledges that those men of action are imbeciles, he would rather be one of them than himself.”
“Why?”
“He says that his level of consciousness is a sickness, as it is depressing to be intelligent enough to analyse the world for what it is.”, I smirked
“And what is that?”
“Suffering. That’s what it is.”
“So, life is just suffering?”
“Apparently so…”
“I have a feeling you’re not talking from the underground man’s perspective anymore.”
“Maybe…”, I said, while shrugging my shoulders
“Why do you feel that way?”
“Look around you. What do you see? You could say you see joy, sure. You could say you see hope, sure. But what is the underlying, truth? Below all that surface level of bubbly mirth is suffering. It’s the only thing that remains constant, for happiness comes and goes, but suffering remains, even in the midst of happiness.”
“So, what do we do about that?”
“We continue to race toward death, I guess.”
“Why are you so nihilistic?”
“Because why not? I don’t seem to see anything worth fighting for…except for the ones you love, but I don’t care about myself. I could die today, and I would be fine.”
“And what about your mom? You just said there’s nothing worth fighting for, except the ones you love.”
“Yes… I guess I’ll fight on…”
“That’s not a good way to live Sebastian.”, he said. He put his hand on my shoulder
“What better way is there to live?”
“I know of a way, but you’re not going to like it.”
“Tell me.”
“What you’ve said is true, suffering is common in everyone’s life, but there is hope. That’s why I’m a Christian. We believe-”
“Oh, come on…”, I interjected
“Just hear me out. Life is suffering; however, we believe that suffering is a natural part of life and that it is inscribed into the meaning of life itself. When Jesus was crucified, the meaning of life was shown, for Jesus willingly carried his cross, or his suffering, up the hill.”
“What’s your point?”
“Jesus carried his suffering willingly. That’s it, that’s the meaning of life, to make the conscious choice to carry your burdens and, in the process, happiness will find you, for you will be fulfilling the meaning of life.”
“Where do you people come up with this stuff?”, I smiled
“It’s in the Bible smartass.”
“You really believe what that book says?”
“I do.”
“Why? You know it was written by people, right? Anyone could have fabricated those stories.”
“That’s true, but it seems unlikely.”
“Why is it unlikely?”, I asked
“Because the level of deepness and the accuracy with which the Bible explains life is way ahead of it’s time. People talk about things now that the Bible had thousands of years ago. In order for the people who wrote the Bible to have been so fervent in their faith they must have been inspired by something real. All great books are inspired, and the greatest of all is the Bible, as all the people involved would have had to be inspired by something beautiful and would have had to be inspired at the same time.”
“Well, does the Bible explain why there is so much suffering in the world? Yes, we agree that life is suffering, but why does there have to be so much of it? Couldn’t He have thought of a better way to do things than to let children get cancer and let children get raped or be slaves?”
“I can’t tell you why God did things the way that He did…all I can tell you is what I’ve learned from the Bible.”
“Which is why I can’t trust your beliefs. How can you trust them when you have no evidence? You don’t know that God even exists.”
“That’s true, but I don’t need to know.”
“How do you not need to know?”
“If I knew God existed, that would defeat the point of faith.”
“Faith is just a word used to justify blind belief.”
“Do you trust me?”
“What…of course.”
“Why?”
“Because I know you.”
“Is that all? If you were temporarily blinded and had to jump across a small chasm, and I was on the other side, would you trust me to catch you?”
“I would.”
“But why? You said it’s because you know me, but that’s not enough.”, said Abel
“I’ve seen you grow and have become close friends with you. That’s my evidence for my trust. I know where you’re going with this. You’re going to say that, the way I trust you is the way you trust God but that’s not true. You have no evidence for your trust.”
“Perhaps…but I believe I do. Faith is what happens when rationality fails you. Logicality will take you to the edge of the cliff of nihilism, but what makes you jump is faith.”, said Abel
“But…you don’t know what will happen when you jump.”
“I’ve been doing alright so far.”, he smirked
“If your faith is so strong, then why do you still drink with me and Daniel?”
“I…sometimes I feel like an outcast from the world. People don’t like religion these days, especially Christianity. Sometimes I just want to feel like I belong. I’ve made mistakes…but there is no sin God won’t forgive.”
“Then why does God send you to an eternal hell, for a momentary sin? That’s how it works right? You live a momentary life of sin, but then spend an eternity in punishment?”
“God forgives all, but some people reject him regardless. What can He do if those people don’t want Him in their lives?”
“I…-”, at that moment Daniel found us.
“Boys!”, he said
“How’s it going?”, said Abel
“I’ve got some news my boys. I got a new gaming console and a fresh bag of weed. My parents are out of town for a whole week! They left me a shit ton of money so we can get whatever we want! Who’s ready for another night?”, asked Daniel
“I’m in.”, I said
“I…I don’t…”, Abel said, while looking at me. He turned back to Daniel, “I don’t think I’ll be coming.”
“What! Why not?”, Daniel said, with contempt
“I’m not into that stuff anymore.”, said Abel
“Not into what? Having fun?”, said Daniel, with a look of frustration
“I’m trying to live life a different way now.”
“Don’t you dare tell me this is because of that bullshit religion of yours.”, said Daniel
“What did you say?”, Abel said, with a quiet rage
“You’re going to ruin your youth with that shit.”
“Hey, just relax. If he doesn’t want to come then let him go.”, I said to Daniel
“No, he’s going to ruin his life with this religious shit!”, said Daniel, while looking at Abel
“Stop talking about my faith!”, Abel pushed Daniel. Daniel tackled Abel into the wall, and he then took him to the floor. He tried to punch him while he was on the floor. I grabbed his arm and pulled him aside. I got in between the two of them and told Daniel to go home. Abel was bleeding from his nose. I walked him home and told him I was sorry. Later that day I went over to Daniel’s house.
“What the hell is wrong with you?”, I asked
“I…you saw what he did!”
“He gave you a push, so what? That doesn’t explain why you were so aggressive with him before that.”
“He said he didn’t want to come for the night!”
“So?”
“So, he…what kind of idiot is he? Doesn’t he know that his youth is supposed to be the best time of his life?”
“Maybe he’s had his fun.”
“But we’re still young! We still have time to party; he’s going to ruin it with that religious life.”
“How is he going to ruin your fun by being religious?”
“He’s…well…if he doesn’t drink with us then he’s ruining our friendship.”
“Our trio can survive just the two of us drinking and having one member sober. He can be our designated driver”, I smirked
“Whatever. If he wants to ruin his life, then he can ruin his life.”
“Right…”
“Hey, I didn’t tell you this but…I got something else for the night…”
“What?”
“This new drug called Blue sabre.”
“Woah! Hey, that stuff is serious. You’re seriously taking that?”
“Uhm…we’re taking that.”
“No…I’m not taking that.”
“Why? You smoked weed, that’s a drug.”
“So? What you’re talking about is a real drug. The kind people get addicted to.”
“Stop being paranoid.”
“I’m serious dude, don’t take that.”, I said
“Listen, you’re coming for the night, right?”
“Sure…”
“Okay, then I’ll see you then.”
I dreaded that oncoming night. On the day it was supposed to take place, I ran into a complication. My mother had begun taking a chemotherapy-like drug, that helped her with the pain. It was so strong that it made her vomit and caused her to lose balance. On that particular night it was worse than ever. I had to take care of her, but I didn’t know how to break it to Daniel. I didn’t want to tell him in person, so I phoned him.
“Hello?”, said Daniel
“Bro, I don’t think I can make it tonight…”
“No…don’t tell me…tell me that.”
“Are you okay?”
“I…we had drinks…a few.”
“We? Who’s we?”
“Me and my…my date.”
“Who?”
“I don’t…can’t remember.”
“Do you need me to come see you?”
“No! You don’t want to com-…come. No one wants to come. That’s fine.”
“I’m going to phone you later, make sure you ans-”, he hung up
I wanted to check up on him, but I had to take care of my mother. I thought that he would be fine, since he was with someone else. My mother got worse as the night progressed, however, by the morning she had fallen asleep. I didn’t call Daniel.