Mère

Chapter 12

Abel, Daniel, and I went to the mall, after the competition. We went to a restaurant and ordered something to eat.
“So, boys, what’s the plan? What are you going to write for your next speech?”, asked Daniel
“The meaning of life.”, I said
“Sounds easy enough.”, Daniel smiled. “And what about you?”, he asked Abel
“I’m going to write about Love and God.”, said Abel
“Why?”, asked Daniel
“I feel like there’s a lot I want to talk about, on that subject.”
“Okay, since you know about that kind of stuff…I want to ask you something. Where do you think Lucy went?”, he asked Abel
“I can’t say for sure…”, said Abel
“Do you think she went to hell?”, Daniel asked, while looking into Abel’s eyes
“I…I can’t say…I don’t know, Daniel.”
“What do you think hell is like?”, I asked Abel
“In the Bible they say hell is a place of eternal torture. There’s fire and screaming and the lost souls of sinners.”
“Sounds a bit dramatic…”, I said. “What do you think it is…?”, I asked Daniel
“If I were going to create a hell, and it had to be a place of eternal suffering…I would make it a place where you’re alone, forever.”, said Daniel
“That’s all?”, asked Abel
“Well, that’s pretty bad if you think about it…I mean imagine if you were alone for eternity…and couldn’t do anything about it. You were just helpless…”, said Daniel
“That sounds horrible. Why would God want to send someone there?”, I asked Abel
“He doesn’t want people to go to hell, people choose their own paths and that path can end up in hell.”, said Abel
“So, Lucy could be in hell…”, said Daniel
“We’ll never know.”, said Abel
After we ate, we all returned home. We said our goodbyes and I went inside my house, tired from the competition. Snow was sleeping and woke up when he saw me. He was a small dog…and always looked like a puppy, permanently. My mum treated him like her baby because I wasn’t a baby anymore. I played with Snow and then went straight to bed. When I awoke, it was still three o’clock in the morning, so I decided to read. As I was reading, I came across a passage from Friedrich Nietzsche, “Have you not heard of that madman who lit a lantern in the bright morning hours, ran to the marketplace and cried incessantly, ‘I seek God’. As many of those who do not believe in God were standing around just then, he provoked much laughter. Why? Did he get lost? Said one. Did he lose his way like a child? Said another. Or is he hiding? Is he afraid of us? Is he going on a voyage or emigrated? Thus, they yelled and laughed. The madman jumped into their midst and pierced them with his glances. Wither is God, he cried? I shall tell you. We have killed him, you, and me. All of us are his murderers.
But how have we done this? How were we able to drink the sea? Who gave us the sponge to wipe away the entire horizon? What did we do when we unchained this earth from its sun? Whither is it moving now? Whither are we moving now? Away from all suns? Are we not plunging continuously backward, sideward, forward, in all directions? Is there any up or down left? Are we not straying as through an infinite nothing? Did we not feel the breath of empty space? Has it not become colder? Is not night and more night coming on all the while, must not lanterns be lit in the morning? Do we not hear anything yet of the noise of the gravediggers who are burying God? Do we not smell anything yet of God’s decomposition? Gods, too, decompose. God is dead. God remains dead, and we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?”
“God is dead”, I thought. That was quite the statement…especially because it assumes that He was alive in the first place. “What if he were real? What would that mean for the world?”, I thought. I am still in this dark place…I have been here for a while…will I be here much longer? I hope not. Soon, after I finished reading, it was morning. I had to get ready for school. Before I could leave the house, I walked to my mum’s bedroom and saw her sleeping. “I love you”, I whispered. When I arrived at school, I saw Vanessa standing outside of class.
“Hey.”, she said
“Hello.”, I pinched her cheek
“I hope you know why I haven’t been calling you.”
“You’re grounded?”
“Yep.”
“Well, shit.”
“I know…”
“When will you be…ungrounded?”
“When the sun explodes.”, she smirked
“We can only be so lucky.”, I smiled
We walked into class together and went to our seats. Mr. Palmer was about to address the class.
“Good morning students. As you know, there was a speech competition recently and I’m proud to announce that our very own Sebastian is going to represent us in the finals. I hope you’re ready for it my boy.”, he smiled
“I will be, sir”
“Good, well then on with the lesson.”
He began the lesson. Halfway through the lesson I was daydreaming. I saw a sunset. In front of it was Vanessa…she was wearing that white floral dress, the one she wore on the beach. She looked like an Angel. Then it suddenly started raining. I smelt salt all around me. There was a sting of cold air on my skin. The oceans raised and consumed the land…I suddenly woke up. I was asleep. By the time I woke up, the lesson was over, however, Mr. Palmer didn’t notice that I was asleep. When the class finished Vanessa came to me and sat on my table.
“I hope you were dreaming of me.”, she said
“I…was.”
“What? Was there something else?”
“Have you ever dreamt of dying before?”
“No…”
“Hmm…”, I stared at the floor
“Have you?”
“Sort of.”
The school day then continued as normal. After school, I went home and decided to visit Abel.
“So, I heard you made up with Vanessa?”, he asked
“I did.”
“You know, I still haven’t met her.”
“You can, if you want to.”
“I think I should meet your future wife.”, he smiled
“Well…we’ll see about that.”
“You haven’t told her you love her yet, have you?”
“No…”
“You should.”
“Why?”
“Because you clearly love her…”
“What do you know about love?”
“I’ve been reading Soren Kierkegaard lately…he’s had some interesting insights.”
“Are you going to use his philosophy in your speech?”
“Yes…I think it will help you out with Vanessa.”, he punched my shoulder
“When would you like to meet her?”
“Let’s all go on a double date this weekend.”
“Double date? Who are you going to bring?”
“Don’t worry about that.”, he smirked
I then went home and saw my mother on the couch. She was reading The Bible.
“Hello, mum.”
“Hello, my darling.”
“What are you doing?”
“Reading Psalms. Come, sit next to me.”, she read from Psalms to me. “Tears are prayers too. They travel to God when we can’t speak.”, she then read from Corinthians, “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.”
“So…is that saying that our suffering in this life…is justified because we’ll have eternal happiness in the next life?”
“Yes…”
“Well, what about this life? What about our suffering in this life? Why isn’t that being dealt with?”
“Darling, it will be, in time.”
“I don’t understand how you can believe that.”
“I have faith…”
“I wish I could.”
I then went to my room and laid on my bed. “Why doesn’t God do anything about us? Either he is real and unjust, or he just doesn’t exist.”, I thought. That’s when I decided to write my speech. I wrote about suffering and I wrote about what should be done about suffering. I remembered my conversations with Abel, about the meaning of life. I wrote fervently throughout the night, quietly stewing over each sentence…I fell asleep at my desk, again. When I awoke, it was Friday. My mother asked me if I wanted to go to youths today, however, I stopped going a long time ago, therefore I said no. Besides, I felt they were a waste of time…I learnt more about Christianity from talking with Abel, than I did from the pastors. I went to school and spoke to Abel about the double date. We decided to have it on that day, at the mall. I asked Vanessa if she could come, and she said that she would try, but would most likely not come, because she was still grounded. I went home and got ready. Abel and I went to the mall together and waited for our dates. We sat down at a coffee shop.
“So, are you going to tell me who this girl is now?”, I asked
“Just wait and see.”, he said
Shortly after, I saw who he was talking about. It was Kate. I saw her walking toward us from a distance. I looked at Abel, confused, and he smiled.
“Hi, guys.”, she said, as she hugged Abel. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”, she said, as she hugged me
“You too…”. I said. “Is…Vanessa coming?”
“Oh, yeah, she’s just in the bathroom.”
“Oh…how did she…I thought she was grounded?”, I smiled
“She is, but I sweet-talked her mom into letting her come, because she loves me.”
“Well, thank you for that.”, I smiled
Vanessa then came from the bathroom and joined us. She greeted Abel and then hugged and kissed me. We all sat down at a round table. We spoke about school and I asked Abel how he met Kate. He told me that they met in class, a while ago, and have been friends ever since. Somehow the discussion ended up with us talking about religion. Abel asked Vanessa about Judaism and she asked him about Christianity. Kate and I didn’t contribute much and listened intently, because neither of us were religious, however, we were interested.
“So, Sebastian tells me that you’re Jewish?”, asked Abel
“Well…sort of…I’m still trying to figure it all out.”, said Vanessa
“What do you mean?”
“I’m not sure if I can call myself Jewish…because I haven’t really studied Judaism and I don’t take part in all the rituals.”
“Oh…but are you interested?”
“Of course, it’s my heritage.”
“What’s the difference between Judaism and Christianity?”, I asked Abel
“Well… the main differences are that Jewish people believe that their saviour is still to come, but Christians believe that their saviour has already come. Jewish people also believe that you have to do certain things to get into heaven, like rituals and sacrifices and ceremonies, to make up for their sin, however, Christians believe that there is nothing you can do to make up for your sin, but you don’t have to because Jesus died on the cross for all sins.”
“So, people can sin and get away with it?”, asked Vanessa
“No…you have to have faith in Jesus. If you have faith then you believe in Jesus, and if you truly believe in Jesus then you will act out what you believe in the world. Christianity puts faith foremost before rituals; however, Judaism puts rituals first and then faith.”
“I’ve never been a fan of religion.”, said Kate, suddenly. “Sorry.”, she said
“No, no, it’s okay. What did you mean by that?”, I asked
“I…I just never took to it…whenever I try to, I’m just reminded of the suffering in the world and how the children die…how can a God exist…if that happens all the time?”, asked Kate
“I think it’s important to remember that God doesn’t do those evil things, people do. If God had to interfere then he would be messing with our free will.”, said Abel.
We spoke about religion some more, until I changed the subject. We continued with the date until, late into the evening. I told Abel and Kate that Vanessa and I were going somewhere. Abel said he would wait for me outside the mall. I took Vanessa to the fire escape.
“If you wanted to make out, we could have done that outside.”, Vanessa smiled
“No, I didn’t bring you here for that…okay maybe I did, but that’s not the main reason I brought you here.”, I said
“Then what’s the main reason?”
“I love you.”
“What?”
“I love you, Vanessa.”, I smiled. Vanessa smiled and teared up. She kissed me and we hugged.
“I love you too.”, she said