Mère

Chapter 15

We all celebrated Christmas differently. Abel went to church and had a service, before going home with his family, to have a big feast. Daniel’s parents were actually home, for once, and went with Daniel to a fancy restaurant. Vanessa didn’t celebrate Christmas, and I spent Christmas at home with my mother, because my family had their Christmas dinner as planned, and we didn’t go. We were okay though. My mother made a feast for us, even though she was struggling to stand. We even made dog biscuits for Snow. Even though we were alone, we all had each other, and we were a family of our own. Daniel, Abel, and I spent the holidays together, trying to make the most of it, and Vanessa and I went on a lot more dates, but soon enough, it was time for school again. It was my last year of school before I was going to go off into the real world, because high school always felt like more of a dream…or a nightmare. On our first day back to school, I noticed how far I had come along from where I was, years ago. Things were a lot better…I didn’t feel life’s crippling weight on my shoulders as much as I used to. The only thing that was a problem was my mum…I knew that she would have to have surgery…and I couldn’t help but worry. Some people, with my mum’s illness, said that they felt worse after they got surgery. Some people ended up in wheelchairs…I worried that my mum would suffer the same fate. After a few days at school, Mr. Palmer told us that there would be a dance for our grade soon. I didn’t know how to dance…but Vanessa did. I knew that she would look beautiful, so I wanted to look good too, however, I couldn’t afford a suit. I knew that my mum would feel like a bad parent again because of that, so I told her that it wasn’t a big deal. A few days later, I went to Abel’s house and we went to Daniel’s house together. We all spoke about the dance. We sat on Daniels patio, at sunset.
“So, boys, who’s taking who to this thing?”, said Daniel
“I’m taking Vanessa.”, I said
“Obviously, Sebby”, said Daniel. “But who’s the priest taking?”, he asked, while looking at Abel
“I’m not sure…probably Kate.”, said Abel
“Oh, so you two are a thing now?”, Daniel smirked
“No. We just get along…I don’t see the harm in taking her.”, said Abel
“And who are you taking?”, I asked Daniel
“I’m…going alone.”, said Daniel
“Why?”, I asked
“I don’t know…I don’t really want to take anyone…I mean, if I was going to take anyone, I would take Lucy…but…”
“I know.”, I said, as I put my hand on his shoulder
“But do not fear, gentleman. I will still look amazing!”, said Daniel
“What are you going to wear?”, asked Abel
“I was thinking…a dark blue suede jacket…black pants…a black shirt…and a black tie.”
“Sheesh…”, I said
“Well, what are you two going to wear?”, asked Daniel
“I’m going to wear a black jacket, black pants, and a white shirt, with a black-tie.”, said Abel
“You want to look like a bouncer?”, asked Daniel. We laughed
“Hey, that’s a classic look okay, I don’t want anything fancy.”, said Abel
“What about you Sebby?”, asked Daniel
“I…I’m not sure yet…but I’ll get something.”
I knew that I wouldn’t be able to…but I didn’t want to say anything. I went home and got a call from Vanessa.
“Hey you.”, she said
“Hey.”
“I hope you know how to dance.”
“I dance better than you.”
“Pfft, we’ll see…hey, could we meet somewhere?”
“Sure.”
We made a date for the beach, the same one where she wore that white dress. This time, she wore a short red dress, that had a floral pattern at the bottom. We sat down at Julio’s and ordered a bowl of prawns, and of course, we couldn’t stop laughing.
“Dude, did you see the new Superman movie?”, she asked
“Yes.”, I smiled
“And? What did you think?”
“It was good.”
“What?!”
“What?”
“Dude, it was utter garbage.”
“That’s a bit harsh.”
“Did you see how they butchered his character? They made him like some distant god who’s just so above humanity.”
“So?”
“So? That’s not how Superman is supposed to be. Superman is supposed to be kind and caring and empathetic with humanity. I mean, he was raised as a human, so shouldn’t he have been more connected with humanity, instead of acting like he’s so above us?”
“Well…Superman is powerful enough to wipe out the entire human race…and he is an Alien after all…so maybe he can end up being distant from humanity.”
“That’s so wrong. Superman is a human at heart because he was adopted by human parents.”
“Since when were you such a Superman fanboy? I thought he was just some guy in red underwear and a tight blue costume?”
“He is…shut up.”, she said, as she tried to hide her smile
“Look at you, being deep and stuff…what to do think of Batman’s character?”, I asked
“Batman has the coolest character, for sure.”
“Why?”
“Well…his parents were murdered in front of him…but I think what makes him so interesting is his no-killing rule.”
“I never understood that.”, I said
“If you kill a killer, then the amount of killers in the world remains the same.”, she said
“What if I kill a hundred killers?”, I smirked
“No, that’s not the point.”, she laughed
“Then what’s the point?”
“Batman doesn’t kill because he doesn’t want to cross that line. He knows that if he crosses that line, he’ll never come back.”
“If you stare into the abyss, something stares back at you.”
“Exactly.”
“You’re a dork.”, I smiled
“Not as much as you.”, she laughed. “Hey, what are you wearing to the dance?”
“I don’t know yet…”
“Oh…well I hope you have fun with your date.”
“What do you mean? I’m taking you.”
“Me? But you didn’t even ask me.”
“But we’re dating…I thought that was implied.”
“So, if we were going to get married, you wouldn’t propose because that would have been implied?”
“That’s different.”, I said
“No, you have to ask me.”, she smirked
“Okay…will you go to the dance with me?”
“What kind of proposal was that? I want more.”
I rolled my eyes. “Fine. Vanessa, will you please go to the dance with me, my darling sugar honey babycakes?”
“Nope…not enough. Get down on one knee.”
“What? We’re in a restaurant.”
“So?”, she smiled
I begrudgingly got down on one knee. “Vanessa, will you please go to the dance with me?”
“Yes.”, she smiled
As she said yes, someone saw me on one knee and began clapping. Then the entire restaurant started clapping and cheering, while the waiters congratulated us. They brought us free desserts, so Vanessa and I didn’t say anything. We couldn’t stop laughing as we left the restaurant. Talking with Vanessa only made me more nervous about the dance. After the date I went home and fell asleep, however, I woke up at three o’clock in the morning, so I decided to read The Brothers Karamazov. “People talk sometimes of cruelty, but that’s a great injustice and insult to the beasts; a beast can never be so cruel as a man, so artistically cruel. The tiger only tears and gnaws, that’s all he can do. He would never think of nailing people by the ears, even if he were able to do it. These Turks took a pleasure in torturing children, — too, cutting the unborn child from the mother’s womb, and tossing babies up in the air and catching them on the points of their bayonets before their mothers’ eyes. Doing it before the mothers’ eyes was what gave zest to the amusement. Here is another scene that I thought interesting. Imagine a trembling mother with her baby in her arms, a circle of invading Turks around her. They’ve planned a diversion: they pet the baby, laugh to make it laugh. They succeed, the baby laughs. At that moment, a Turk points a pistol four inches from the baby’s face. The baby laughs with glee, holds out its little hands to the pistol, and he pulls the trigger in the baby’s face and blows out its brains. Artistic, wasn’t it?”, “I think the devil doesn’t exist, but man has created him, he has created him in his own image and likeness.”
“What kind of God would allow this? Abel said that those kinds of acts are not from God but are from people. I understand that, but still…why allow it? Aren’t we supposed to be God’s children? Wouldn’t a father and more so a heavenly father weep for His children’s suffering? What kind of father would turn His back on the suffering of His children? Is it to let them make their own mistakes…surely that’s not a good enough reason…if I saw my son playing with a stick of dynamite,  I wouldn’t stand back and let him make his own mistake, by letting him kill himself with the dynamite. I would do something because that’s my job as a father. But somehow, the heavenly father remains silent…yes, humanity suffers under its own hand…but shouldn’t we get some sort of guidance? Perhaps the Grand Inquisitor was right…perhaps we need to be relieved of our stupidity. It seems to be quite the privilege to be as stupid as we want to be, yet it is a curse to suffer the consequences.”, I thought. I eventually fell asleep. When I woke up, I heard my mum talking on the phone. After she hung up, she walked into my room and told me that Uncle Eric is going to take me shopping for a suit. I pretended like it wasn’t a big deal but deep down, I was happy. I got dressed and Uncle Eric took me to the mall. We went to various stores, until we got to one that had a black suede jacket with black pants. I took those and then went to another store to buy a silver tie and a black shirt. Uncle Eric said I looked like James Bond when I put it on.
Afterwards, I went home with the suit in a special bag, designed to protect it. I thanked Uncle Eric and so did my mum. My mum then told me to put on the suit and when I did, she cried. “My handsome boy.”, she said, with tears rolling down her cheek. I didn’t tell anyone that I got a suit…I wanted it to be a surprise. I went to bed feeling like I was on top of the world that night. The next day, Daniel called me and told me to come over, so I went. When I got there, I saw that he was on his patio and he had some books by Dostoevsky, Nietzsche, and Franz Kafka in front of him. We then sat together on his patio.
“Did you read all of these?”, I asked
“No, no, I read Notes from the underground and Metamorphoses.”, he said
“Cool…and? What did you think?”
“Well…that’s actually why I called you over…I wanted to talk to you about this stuff…”
“Why didn’t you call Abel?”
“I don’t know, man…he always throws religion in my face, whenever we speak about this stuff.”
“He does that sometimes…but his intentions are good.”
“Oh yeah, no doubt…I just thought you and I might have views that align more.”
“Why?”
“Well…aren’t you an Atheist too?”, he asked
“No…”
“Oh…I thought you were.”
“Wait, since when were you an Atheist?”
“After I read some of Nietzsche, although I didn’t finish his book.”, he said
“Ah, I see. So, you were on the fence before this, but Nietzsche gave you a push?”
“He did”, he smiled
“Well…I’m happy to see you get so immersed in philosophy.”
“Me too…so…why aren’t you an Atheist?”
“There’s just something missing from Atheism…and, to be honest, you can’t prove that there is no God.”
“Yeah, but you can reject all of the religion's claims that there is a God.”
“Well, I don’t want to be too hasty to claim that there is no God.”
“Bro, you’ve read Nietzsche, you have to admit that he makes a lot of sense.”, he said
“His criticism of religion and Christianity makes sense, but I don’t agree with him on everything.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t think that people can come up with their own values to replace religion…”, I said
“Why not?”
“Because if they could, they would have done that a long time ago…and studying Carl Jung and The-Self, has made me believe that people need something to worship…”
“So, what, religion is just a tool to drive the sheep into their cages?”
“No…I…I don’t know, but I don’t think Atheism is the answer.”
“Alright…well…what did you think of Notes from the underground?”, he asked.
“I loved it.”, I said
“Did you learn anything from it?”
“Well…I learned that Dostoevsky really didn’t like socialism…I also learned that the downfall of religion would cause a collapse of society.
“Why didn’t Dostoevsky like socialism though? I mean…we could use a little socialism in the world right now. The inequality is ridiculous.”, he said
“He didn’t like it because of its paradise ideology, do you remember what he said about the Crystal Palace?”, I asked. I then grabbed Notes from the unground and looked for the passage I was referring to. “You believe in a palace of crystal that can never be destroyed — a palace at which one will not be able to put out one’s tongue or make a long nose on the sly. And perhaps that is just why I am afraid of this edifice, that it is of crystal and can never be destroyed and that one cannot put one’s tongue out at it even on the sly. You see, if it were not a palace, but a hen-house, I might creep into it to avoid getting wet, and yet I would not call the hen-house a palace out of gratitude to it for keeping me dry. You laugh and say that in such circumstances a henhouse is as good as a mansion. Yes, I answer, if one had to live simply to keep out of the rain. But what is to be done if I have taken it into my head that that is not the only object in life, and that if one must live one had better live in a mansion? That is my choice, my desire. You will only eradicate it when you have changed my preference. Well, do change it, allure me with something else, give me another ideal. But meanwhile I will not take a henhouse for a mansion. The palace of crystal may be an idle dream, it may be that it is inconsistent with the laws of nature and that I have invented it only through my own stupidity, through the old-fashioned irrational habits of my generation. But what does it matter to me that it is inconsistent? That makes no difference since it exists in my desires, or rather exists as long as my desires exist. Perhaps you are laughing again? Laugh away; I will put up with any mockery rather than pretend that I am satisfied when I am hungry.”
“I thought he was criticizing the rationalist utopian dream with that passage?”, asked Daniel
“He was, but the rationalist utopian dream is also a materialist dream with no room for spirituality, and socialism is a materialist philosophy.”. I said
“How so?”, asked Daniel
“Well…Marxism is socialism in its nascent form, and Marxism is a materialist philosophy. Dostoevsky was a Christian, and the Christian worldview contradicts the Marxist worldview because Marxism puts your group identity as paramount, and Marx saw history as a war of the classes, with the Bourgeoisie vs the Proletariat. Marxism also implies that the nature of human beings is attributable to us by our surroundings and our social class, however, in Christianity, you are fundamentally an individual, your nature is attributable to you by God and you are fundamentally responsible to God, not your social class. Marxism is also fundamentally a materialist philosophy because it teaches that if you just made people rich enough or if you deprived them of their poverty enough, then the utopia would materialize on earth. That’s why Dostoevsky criticized it because he knew that people wouldn’t be satisfied with material things …”
“But shouldn’t we try to help the less fortunate?”. Asked Daniel
“I think we should…but…I don’t think giving the government control over our resources is the answer.”
“You always had trouble with authority huh.”, Daniel laughed
“Only incompetent authority.”, I smiled
“Okay then, what about Metamorphoses? What did you learn from that?”, asked Daniel
“I learned that some people are so consumed by their ambitions that they are blinded from reality.”
“What do you mean?”
“In the Metamorphoses, Gregor Samsa wakes up one morning as an insect. He’s described as vermin, right? I think that was symbolizing the dehumanization of the working class, who sat in offices all day working tirelessly. And when Gregor wakes up as an insect, the first thing he thinks about is his job. What kind of person worries about whether or not they’re going to be late for work when they wake up as an insect? The way he still thinks about work and his financial ties to his family makes me think about Jean-Paul Sartre’s idea, that people think that all they are, is the position they work in. Like how a waiter thinks that he’s a waiter first and foremost, instead of being a human being first.”, I said
“Hmm, I heard Kafka is considered one of the greatest writers of all time…who’s your favourite writer?”, he asked
“Dostoevsky…”
“Really? I didn’t expect that.”
“Me neither.”, I smiled
“I also came across a term called Kafkaesque…do you know what that means?”
“I think what makes something Kafkaesque is the circularity of a character’s actions…bad things happen to them, but ultimately, it’s their fault, so it keeps happening to them. In Kafka’s story, Poseidon, instead of Poseidon getting to explore his kingdom, he has to do a lot of paperwork instead and the paperwork just keeps piling on, however, he could just delegate the task to someone else, but he believes that no one else could do a competent job with the paperwork, so he sticks with it, thus, putting himself in a circular trap, where his actions are his downfall.”
“Humans are self-destructive huh.”, he said
“Yes, we are.”