Mère

Chapter 19

Soon enough, the holiday was over. The days were passing by seamlessly. My mother was still in a state of zombification, as she walked around the house aimlessly, only stopping to lie down for her aching back. My mother contacted her doctor and asked for stronger medication, but the doctor refused, saying that the medication she had was all that was allowed to be prescribed for her condition. The medication she had didn’t absolve her of the pain, it only slightly dampened it. We didn’t speak to each other for days, often not making eye contact when we passed each other, as we walked around the house. At school, Vanessa and I tried our best to spend time together, however, we had to focus on school, and I had enough problems going on at home. I still hadn’t told Abel about my mum…I just wasn’t ready. Daniel seemed to be in a better place, at least that was something. After I read all of the philosophy and psychology, I felt a little better…but something was still missing. The school days felt like an automated process at that point…the only dynamic part of the day would be when I got home. Abel usually checked up on me, because he said I looked a lot more grim than usual. On one particular day, he showed up to my house, saying that he needed to talk, so we went to the stairs.
“So, what’s wrong?”, I asked
“I…it’s Kate.”, he said
“What about her?”
“Her…father died yesterday. I only found out today.”, he said, while looking at the ground
“Oh…is she…okay? Did you get to speak to her?”
“She doesn’t want to speak to me. She still hates me after what I said to her.”
“I’m sure she’ll come around. Until then…maybe you should just be a supportive friend…”, I put my hand on his shoulder
“How? What do I tell her?”, he asked
“I…I don’t know…comfort her.”
“How? I can’t tell her that her father is in a better place now…she doesn’t believe that. I can’t tell her that her father is with the Lord now, and that his soul is finally at peace. She doesn’t want to hear that.”
“Nobody would want to hear that if their father had just died…that’s why I’m saying, just be empathetic.”, I said
Abel wasn’t good with just connecting with someone’s pain, without bringing religion into the picture. He just couldn’t help it. Although his intentions were pure, they were misguided. When you lose someone, you don’t want to be told that they are in a better place, you just want someone to understand your pain. I learned to be more compassionate because of my own suffering and by witnessing the suffering of those closest to me. Vanessa called me later that day, saying that she missed me. She wanted to see me desperately, but her mother was being stricter than usual. She also said that her stepfather went on a business trip to another country, so things were a lot freer at home. She was still concerned about me and my mum, so she called as often as possible, but the conversations were always the same. She told me that she felt bad for us and she asked if there was anything that she could do, with my reply always being no. I appreciated her effort though. The next day, after school, Daniel and I spoke at his house. His parents weren’t home again.
“Are you okay by yourself?”, I asked
“I am…I’m used to it now.”, he smiled
“Good…”
“Hey, are you okay, man?”, he asked, while looking into my eyes
“Yea…why?”
“Nothing, it’s just…you look like something’s wrong. You know you can tell me, right?”
“Nah, it’s just…it’s just some stuff at home, I’ll figure it out…”, I said
“What stuff?”
“Just some stuff, don’t worry about it. Hey, how’s the single life?”, I said, with a forced smile
“Uhm…it’s okay, I guess. I’m laying low, for now.”
“That’s not the Daniel I remember…the Daniel I remember would have an STD by now.”, I laughed
“I know…it’s crazy huh. How much people can change?”
“Yeah…we evolve…the old version of us dies, because we have something better in store.”
“True…You know, I’ve been reading more philosophy recently.”
“What did you read?”, I asked, listening intently
“I read some more of Nietzsche and Dostoevsky.”
“Did you find anything interesting?”
“I was just thinking about how different they were. They were both smart and their philosophies were brilliant, but one was an Atheist and the other was a Christian.”
“Apparently Nietzsche admired Dostoevsky’s work.”
“Why do you think Dostoevsky was a Christian?”
“In one of his books he said that he loved God because he was the only one who could be loved eternally.”, I said
“And he also said that hell was the suffering of being unable to love.”
“I don’t know…I think there too less love on earth to be giving it to an imaginary deity…”, I said, begrudgingly
“Imaginary? I thought you weren’t an Atheist.”
“I’m not…”
“Why? You seem to be Atheist already.”
“I’m not.”
“Okay, bro.”, at that moment, Abel knocked on Daniel’s door and walked in.
“Boys.”, said Abel, with a smile. We all sat on Daniel’s patio. “So, what were talking about?”, asked Abel
“We were talking about why Dostoevsky was a Christian.”, I said
“Oh, and? Did you come with any theories?”, asked Abel
“Not really…why do you think he was a Christian?”, asked Daniel
“I think it’s because of how he saw faith.”
“What do you mean?”, I asked
“Well…faith is weird…even Dostoevsky said that his faith was born from a furnace of doubt, as it should.”
“So, you’ve doubted?”, asked Daniel
“I have…”
“When?”, I asked
“Well…recently, I guess…because of Kate’s father passing away.”
“Oh, how is she?”, asked Daniel
“She’s feeling a little better, but she’s going to need some time.”
“So, you spoke to her…was she still mad at you?”, I asked
“She was, but she said she needed someone to talk to.”
“So, why is that making you doubt your faith?”, asked Daniel
“I don’t know if I’d call it doubt…it’s more like…curiosity…”
“About?”, I asked
“I’ve just been thinking about why things like that happen…why does someone’s heart just stop beating. Someone who had people that loved him. Kate asked me those questions, and I couldn’t give her an answer…I don’t know, sometimes the weight of God’s silence is too much…”, said Abel
“But you still have faith?”, I asked
“I do…”, Abel smiled
“Why?”, asked Daniel
“Kierkegaard said that to have faith is to have the opposite of despair. He said that faith was precisely the contradiction between the infinite passion of the individual’s inwardness and the objective uncertainty. I don’t know what it is about faith…Faith is what drives brave men and women into the roaring flames of war. It’s feeble but it’s also very stubborn. It gives hope in the most hopeless situations. It drives individuals to die for the well-being of others, because the ones who sacrifice themselves know in their heart that they will receive eternal rest afterwards. I’ve seen faith…I’ve felt its presence. It feels so warm…like your body is being caressed by angels. I haven’t seen someone as brave as a person who has faith…and the people who are against faith have their reasons…but I’m afraid they’ll never know the peace that the people of faith have, especially if they’re staring death in the face.”
Daniel looked disconcerted. “So, do you think that I won’t have peace when I die?”, asked Daniel
“No, I’m not saying that. I just feel that the people who have faith find death easier…which is why I can’t get through to Kate…she doesn’t believe.”
“Don’t you think that the faithful could just be wearing blindfolds, so that they don’t have to contend with the fact that they don’t last forever?” asked Daniel
“They could…but we’ll never know.”
“Okay, bro…”, said Daniel
After our conversation, we all went home. On my way home, I got a call from Vanessa. She said that she managed to convince her mom to let her go out on the weekend. She told me that she wanted to go back to the beach, so when the weekend came, we went. When I arrived at the beach, I saw her standing on the pier, looking off into the distance. She was clearly thinking about something. The sky was bright blue and clear. The birds squawked in the distance, as the smell of salt filled the air. She was wearing an off-shoulder baby blue short dress. It was quite windy, so she tied up her hair. I hugged her from behind and kissed her cheek. She turned around and kissed me. We walked along the pier and she had her head on my shoulder, as she held my arm. She looked like something was bothering her.
“What’s wrong?”, I asked
“Huh? Oh, nothing…how’s your mom?”, she said, startled out of her daydream
“She still isn’t sleeping…”
“Does she have nightmares?”, she asked
“I honestly don’t know…we haven’t been talking about anything that’s been going on with her…”
“That’s not healthy…have you tried speaking to her?”
“I have…but she always gives me one-word responses…and sometimes no response at all. I don’t know how to help her…I don’t think she wants to go back to the psychologist.”
“It’s probably too much for her to handle…nobody can blame her…”
“I know…”
“Hey, guess what.”
“What?”
“I love you.”, she kissed me.
“I knew that.”, I smiled.
“I know, I just wanted to remind you.”, she smirked. “You know, I think I might always love you.”
“What do you mean?”
“I think that even if we broke up, I would still love you.”
“What if we broke up because I force-fed you prawns?”
“Oh, well that’s unforgivable, but in any other circumstance I think I would still love you.”, she smiled
“You’re not breaking up with me, are you?”
“No.”, she laughed. “You’re such an idiot.”
“That I am.”
We walked around the beach for hours and, eventually, we sat down at the shoreline. The water came to us slowly and then pulled away, barely touching our feet. She had her head on my shoulder, and I rested my head on hers, as we watched the sunset. I heard Vanessa sniffling a little, and then she wiped her nose.
“What is it?”, I asked
“Uhm…it’s just beautiful, the sunset…”
I looked at her, as she looked at the sunset. “You’re more beautiful.”
“Don’t say that…”, tears started to form in her eyes
“Why?”
She rubbed her eyes before any tears could run down her face. “Nothing…you’re just so sweet...and cheesy.”, she smiled, and then she kissed me.
She then got a phone call from her mom, telling her to get to the car. We walked off the beach together, but she told me to let her go into the parking lot alone. She kissed me goodbye and told me that she loved me. I went home shortly after that. When I got home, I heard my mum on the phone. She was talking to someone about her getting surgery. She was asking this person for advice. After her conversation, she came out of the room and saw me. She told me to sit down next to her on her bed.
“How are you, my darling?”, she smiled
“I’m okay…”
“Have you been doing okay at school?”
“Yes, mum.”
“Okay, good…listen…I’ve been thinking about it…and I’ve decided that I want to get surgery.”
“Isn’t that dangerous? That’s supposed to be a last result.”
“Well, I feel like I’m at my last stand, my baby. What more can I do…I’m tired of not being able to move and do things that I want to do…I can’t even go to the psychologist now because of how bad my back hurts. I’m tired of life putting me down again and again and again.”
“Well…when?”
“I’m not sure, darling, but soon…and then I’ll finally be better. Then we can go and do things together, my baby. I can finally take care of you.”
“You were already taking care of me, mum.”
“I love you, my darling boy.”, she hugged me and kissed my forehead
“I love you too, mum.”