Mère

Chapter 24

After I got home from the post office, my mother asked me why I looked so down. I was tired of keeping secrets from her. “She’s my mum…”, I thought. So, I told her to sit down…
“What is it, darling?”
“I just came from the post office.”
“Why were you at the post office?”
“I just finished sending a letter to a girl I liked.”
“Oh? Which girl?”
“A girl named Vanessa…she goes to …used to go to my school…”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, she’s gone now. She left the country.”
“Oh…so that’s the girl you were dating…”, she smiled
“What? How did you…how did you know?”
“A mother knows, darling. You think I didn’t notice all those times you were getting ready to go somewhere so excitedly? No, I know my baby.”, she pinched my cheek. “But why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want you to stress and think that I would be distracted from school or something…and you already had so much stress to deal with, with me and the house and your illness.”
“Oh, no, my baby…I would’ve been fine. I wish you told me sooner because I could’ve given you advice.”
“About what?”
“Well…you weren’t really good with girls when you were small…”
“Things are different now, mum.”
“Yes, but you’re still my little munchkin pie.”, she pinched my cheek again. “I love you more than the?”
“Stars in the sky.”, I said, begrudgingly, but with a faint smile
“And I love you more than the?”
“Sand on the beach.”
“But most importantly, I love you more than the?”
“Water in the sea…always and forever.”, she then hugged me tightly. “Mum…”, I said
“Yes, darling?”
“I’m worried about the surgery…”
“I know, my darling…but don’t be.”
“Why not?”
“My baby, I’ll be okay…and I will finally have some rest. Everything will be fine…but I want you to promise me something, Sebastian…”
“Okay…”
“I don’t want you to ever lose hope…okay? Because to hope is to have faith, and without faith we are nothing. Don’t lose faith, okay?”
“Okay…”
“Oh, my baby. I love you so much, you’ll see. Everything will be okay, in the end. Pray with me, my darling.”
“What?”
“Pray with me.”
I helped her get onto her knees, slowly and she asked me to join her. I was reluctant, but I gave in. My mum prayed, while I watched her and listened to what she said.
“Our Father, I come before you as your servant. I ask that you please baptize me and my son with the holy spirit. I also ask that you give us wisdom Lord, for in these times we need that the most. Please give us guidance. Please give us mercy. Most of all, please give us forgiveness, for we are all sinners, but through your grace, we are pardoned. Please cleanse my son of his anxieties, Lord, and give him the strength to change what he can, and the wisdom to see what he cannot change. We wait for you, God, and we give all the glory, for you are the first and the last and you will be, when no one else can be. I ask all of this in the name of Jesus Christ, who I proclaim as my Lord and saviour, and in Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.”
After she prayed, I helped her up and she laid on her bed. She told me that she needed to rest, so I covered her with her blanket and left her room. I went into my room and couldn’t help but feel emotional. My mum’s faith was immense and almost palpable. When she prayed the room felt full of…something. I had my eyes opened, but I couldn’t see anything…so it must have been a feeling inside of me. But anyway…I trusted my Mum…so I felt much more at ease. I went to go see Abel, and told him that I wanted him, Daniel, and me to hang out, so we went over to Daniels house and sat on the porch.
“Bro, Abel told me about your mum getting surgery soon. Are you okay?”, asked Daniel
“Yeah…I’m better now.”
“Okay, cool.”, said Daniel
“And how’s your mum doing?”, asked Abel
“She’s okay, actually…well, you know how people of faith are.”, I smiled
“Yes, I do.”, Abel smiled
“You know…I was thinking about what you guys were talking about during our last conversation…when you were talking about morality and stuff. I was reading about Schopenhauer and his system of ethics, and I wanted to know what you thought about it.”, said Daniel
“Okay.”, I said
“Schopenhauer believed that people were in a state of continual striving. He said that we believe happiness always lies in the future, or else in the past and that the present is like a “small cloud, driven by the wind over the sunny plain”, where everything in front of and behind it is bright, and it is only the cloud itself that casts the shadow. Even though we believe happiness is in the future, Schopenhauer believed that the dark cloud always looms over us. He said that all willing comes from a place of deficiency, which causes us to want. People believe that they will get happiness once they achieve a certain goal, but when they achieve the goal, they find out that it doesn’t bring them as much joy as they thought it would. He also believed that to be of true bliss and peace of mind, we must be disinterested spectators, as we are when we view nature or a beautiful piece of art. This ties into his claim that we are egoists, in that, we are concerned with our own self-interests. He said that this was the natural state of people, but he didn’t think that egoism was a desirable state. He didn’t believe that everyone would be egoists though, and that some people could find a “road to salvation”. He said that the individuals who can distance themselves from the pain of human existence, are those who can be absorbed by pure beauty. According to Schopenhauer, the intellect is the slave of the will, and that, through what he called genius, one could realize that all are manifestations of the will, which is why all are one. “Such a person who recognizes his own inner and true self in every being, must also regard the endless suffering of all living things as his own, and therefore must take upon himself the pain of the whole world – Schopenhauer”. So, shouldn’t that be enough for humanity to move forward, morally?”, asked Daniel
“Well, Schopenhauer also said that even when the compassionate individual tries to bear the suffering of the world, he soon realizes that his actions are futile. So long as life exists, suffering exists, as it is essential to life. He said that this causes a growing hatred toward the will and an eventual path to Asceticism, which is the denial of the will, where he ceases to indulge in pleasures, such as the will to propagate genes. The individual then remains indifferent to everything. He said that Ascetic regards the universe and nothing and worthless, and in fact, to those who are still driven by will, the mind of the Ascetic is regarded as strange and undesirable, as the Ascetic’s state of mind transcends conceptualization. So…I don’t think that he’s a good source of moral inspiration…unless we all plan on becoming Ascetics. Nietzsche’s criticism of the Christian morality was that it incited weakness, with its view of the world through the lens of good and evil. He was an Atheist and believed that morality was subjective and that, when Christianity failed, people would have to come up with their own values. That view of morality, in my opinion, is extremely dangerous, because it leaves morality as something that’s open to interpretation and leaves no ability for the idea of an intrinsic human value to flourish, which, I believe, could cripple the world into subjecting itself to its own subjective morality, causing it to collapse upon itself. I also believe that if the world were abolished of the Christian morality, like in the dystopian future that Atheists dream of, most people would follow the laws of morality created by people, not because they want to, but because they are afraid of doing otherwise. That’s where the line between cowardice and morality is drawn because there’s a difference between not doing something bad because you don’t want to and not doing something bad because you are incapable, even if you wanted to. What if this future, of the Atheist’s fantasy, results in noncanonical doctrines being established as law, due to the corruptibility of the subjective morality? What if these dogmas are presented to the public as law, intended for the furthering of whatever engenders power, for those in power, using the guile tactic of “wanting what is best for humanity” as a veil for their evil?”, asked Abel
“But the first part made sense though…the part where he said that if we act according to our own will, then everything will ultimately be okay. For example, people won't steal because they know that they could be stolen from, if they steal. People won’t murder because they know that they could be murdered if they murder. It works out.”, said Daniel
“You think people are that rational? Even when the death penalty was around, people still committed crimes, even though the death penalty was against their interest. It’s not enough for people to not do bad things for the sake of possible repercussions. People don’t care about that because we aren’t as rational as we think. For some reason, it only seems to work when there’s an underlying metaphysical substrate.”, said Abel. I then smiled. “What are you smiling about?”, asked Abel
“I was just thinking about how far we’ve come…”, I said
“What do you mean?”, asked Daniel
“Well, I was an insecure little shit, that looked like a seal. Abel was so deep in religious fundamentalism but now he seems more open-minded, and you used to be an alcoholic drug addict. We’ve come far and we’ve matured a lot.”, I said
“I guess we have.”, Abel smiled
“Hey, how are things with Vanessa?”, asked Daniel
“I think I’m in a better place…and I think I might recover.”, I said
“You will, bro.”, said Abel
“And how are things with Kate?”, I asked
“Better. She’s okay with us being friends, although, she might still like me. To be honest, I still like her too.”, said Abel
“But you aren’t going to make a move?”, asked Daniel
“No, not really. We have really different views on life, so I think we’re a lot better as friends.”, said Abel
“That’s fine. As long as you’re happy.”, I said
“I am.”, Abel smiled.
“Let’s do something tonight, boys.”, said Daniel
“Like what? Have another night?”, asked Abel
“No, let’s go out somewhere.”
“You game?”, asked Abel
“Let’s do it.”, I said
We went to the mall and decided that we wanted something to eat. We sat down at a steakhouse, that had a tv where everyone was watching a soccer game. People were having a good time.
“Bro, I don’t know why I’m thinking about this now, but do you remember when we had that fight after church?”, asked Abel
“Oh jeez.”, I said, embarrassed
“Bro! That was so petty.”, Daniel laughed
“Well, do you remember when you pushed Abel?”, I asked
“Yeah…you’re lucky Sebby got in the way.”, Daniel told Abel
“Sure…”, Abel smirked
“How about when Sebby got his face smashed by that idiot?”, said Abel. Daniel and Abel laughed at me. I laughed at myself too.
“Okay, okay, pastor Abel.”, I said
“Oh, don’t start with that again.”, said Abel
“Don’t worry, bro. You’re more of an altar boy now.”, I said. We all laughed.
“Don’t forget that scar Sebby gave you.”, Abel told Daniel
“Man, so much has happened with us. Listen, we have to promise each other that we won't ever lose contact with each other, okay? No matter where we are, no matter what corner of the earth we’re living on, we have to remain in contact.”, said Daniel
“Agreed.”, said Abel
We all went home with our hearts full. I was incredibly lucky to have had friends like them…how often do teenagers think about the things we spoke about…we were a rare breed. I got home and saw my mum praying again. She heard me at the door and asked me to help her up. She hugged me and told me that life was good and that we were lucky to have each other. I agreed.