Most people say their worst fear in life is losing people, losing their beloved ones. Well, that's not my worst fear. Probably because I've already lost too many. I'm not afraid of losing people anymore, because I know I will lose them eventually, it always happens. People come and go, like my best friend.
We were best friends since kindergarten. BFF, Best Friends Forever. Apparently, those words meant nothing to her.
Before high school, everything was perfect. We were inseparable. Some kids even called us "The Twins," because we were always together. I told her all of my secrets and she told me all of hers. We knew everything about each other and we didn't need anyone else. We had each other, and that was enough. Was it?
All good things come to an end someday and so did our friendship. One day we had a sleep-over at her house. We watched some action movies together and listened to our favorite bands. See, that's the thing. We claimed to be different from the popular people. We listened to our favorite bands, while the popular girls painted their nails. We bought merchandise from our favorite tv-series, while they bought clothes at an expensive shop.
The next day, she said we would be better off as classmates. "Classmates." That word stung like a bitch.
That lunch, I saw her sitting at the "popular" table. It was quite funny, because we had laughed at them only a day ago. She told me she thought they were drama queens and fake friends, and she never wanted to be involved with them. That's funny, right?
My whole life was about people leaving me, she couldn't just do the same, huh? We were inseparable, we were The Twins! How could she just leave me? How could she?
I wanted to hate her for leaving me, I really did, but I just couldn't. I couldn't hate my best friend. Not after all that we'd been through together. Not after everything that had happened in the past. I just couldn't get myself to hate her.
It wasn't that she was mean to me either. She smiled at me, the same smile, as if nothing had ever happened. The only difference was that she tried to avoid me. Tried to ignore me, like I wasn't even there. She didn't want to talk to me anymore and I didn't know why. Was I that stupid? That ugly? That fat? That weird?
I wondered if her "new friends" already knew all of her secrets. If they knew every single thing about her, just like I did. Or used to do. I wondered if they knew about her eating disorder and how she was really depressed just a couple of months ago, when her boyfriend had broken up with her. I wondered if they knew she still suffered from her depression and she still didn't eat much.
I remember watching her and her new friends sometimes. She didn't seem to have changed at all. She still didn't eat her lunch during lunchtime and her new friends didn't even seem to notice. Maybe she needed friends who didn't notice. Maybe she needed friends who didn't shoot her looks of concern when she threw her lunch in the garbage. Was I wrong about being concerned? Should I have just let her suffer? Was it a stupid thing for me to do?
I wondered if they knew all of my secrets, too. About my loss. I wondered if they knew about the fact that my mom had died in a car crash when I was seven. About the fact that my dad was broken after the accident and about how he used to come home every morning, so drunk he couldn't even stand by himself.
About the fact that he had left me when I was nine and how he had gone to Australia, his motherland, and how he had taken my little sister with him. About how he had left me at a foster home, like I didn't even exist. Was I that ugly? That stupid? That fat? That weird?
I wondered if her new friends knew everybody always leaves me. It's true, they always do. Whatever happens, I always end up losing people, people I love.
Losing people definitely isn't my worst fear. People come and go and sometimes they take a piece of your heart with them. I don't know why people mostly leave me, instead of coming into my life. Maybe because I'm too stupid. Or because I'm too ugly. Or because I'm too fat, or weird. Or maybe I'm just a mix of them all.
You're wondering what my worst fear is? Losing myself.
