Aloha

    Hello. Hi. Well maybe I shouldn't say hi. I should be saying goodbye. Aloha, hello and goodbye.

God I don't even know what to say. You know? I've never done anything like this before... obviously. I'm just going to write how I feel. Empty. Yeah, a bit melodramatic, but yeah. It's true. It happened. This is real.

I'm sorry if you feel sad. But me feeling sad is the whole reason I did this. Well mostly. It was a combination of feelings. But now it's just... well... empty. Man I hate saying that. It feels too dramatic. I'm dramatic but not that dramatic. The word dramatic is starting to sound weird now. Dramatic. Now I'm just thinking of a tic that looks like Shakespeare. Did you know that no one really knows the true spelling of Shakespeare? This form of it is most commonly known, but throughout the centuries it's been through many forms.

Okay... I'm procrastinating. I feel bad. I just don't know what to say. Like I said, I've never done this before. Just please don't be mad or sad or disappointed. I mean I know... almost hope... you'll be a little sad now that I'm gone but still. Don't be mad at me for doing this. Saying "how could she do this to us?"

Wow. That made me sound selfish.

But seriously don't say that if you have the urge to, which you might not. I didn't do this for anyone except myself. So I guess maybe it is a little selfish...

I guess I should probably get to the point, yeah? Well this year has been a tough one. School became a huge stressor in my life and I felt a pressure to be the best. It was a lot to handle along with sports. I began to realize that I just didn't have time for everything. But isn't that how it always is? Never enough time. Man, I'm sounding pretty philosophical now. I'm sorry. I'm not good at expressing how I feel. Especially recently though. I feel like, compared to other people, my problems don't matter. So I just hide them. No one knew I was depressed. Hell, I didn't even know until now. Hell again, I still don't even know.

But what I do know is... this is right. I think. I think I'm searching for something in writing this letter to tell me what the right answer is. I feel like if I keep writing I'll figure out what I want to do, and maybe I will.

Well. If this goes how I think it's going to go... I never made it to Hawaii. I never climbed Machu Picchu. I never visited Pompeii or danced in the stone streets of Italy. I never sat with the love of my life eating pastries while looking at the Eiffel Tower. I never even went to Washington D.C. sounds silly I know, but I think it would be a cool place to go. I never went skiing. I never got a job. I never even got my Driver's License.

I never said goodbye.

I mean I guess this is goodbye. But I didn't say it to your face. I wish I had the courage to do that, but I know you would stop me. And this is what I need to do. I think. God I hate being cheesy, but sometimes it just has the right effect. Affect? No, definitely effect.

So there's this guy that I like. He's really cute. Really funny. Taller than me! Super sweet and flirty. And taken. And I am good friends with his girlfriend. So I'm kind of in a little bit of a sticky situation, one could say. I'm going to miss him. Hell I'm going to miss her a lot too. She's so sweet and deserves the world.

I think it's time for me to be sappy, cheesy, and all of the awkward things I need to be to get my point across. I guess the reason why I have trouble showing my feelings is because I don't want people to think I'm sappy or cheesy. But I just might be.

I don't have a lot to say about my family. I love them very much.

Mom, thank you for always being there. I didn't like talking to you about my problems, but you always found them out, and no matter what you were always there. We fight a lot. I think it's because we're so similar. I like to say I'm more like Dad, but we both know that's not true. I feel like I should have more to say but I don't know what I would say. I'm sorry if I made you sad. I don't like it when you're sad. So please, instead of mourning, just celebrate the good times.

Dad, thank you for everything you have done for me. You are the most genuine, kind-hearted man I have ever met and I am so lucky that I got to be your daughter. You have taught me so much. Sure you helped me with math and science but, as cheesy as it sounds, you also helped me with life. Those late night talks we had, I will cherish forever. I love you so much. And I know you love the dog... just admit it!

Sissy, thank you for the endless adventures. I know I never told you but I always looked up to you. In my eyes you have always been the coolest person I know, even if I make fun of you or pretend like I don't care. I don't know if you will ever know how much I cherish those nights where we would just drive around, eat ice cream, and blast music. Or those rainy summer days where we'd watch scary movies and eat Chinese food... then watch Mean Girls so we wouldn't be scared when we went to sleep. Thank you for always standing up for me and for giving me advice on what to wear almost everyday. I'm sorry to leave you alone with Mom and Dad... good luck. I'm sorry that I'm leaving. I love you.

To all of my friends. I love you all so so so much. I don't know what I would do without you. You have all been amazing shining stars in my life. You guys got me through the hard days by just being next to me. We would always joke and play around, but I loved every single moment. A small special shoutout to Ann and Kar. I don't know what I would ever do without you two. I can't even imagine a place without you two in it. You guys are what got me through until now. Ann I have known you for fourteen years. It has gone by too fast. I will miss you forever and I hope you miss me too. Don't be sad though. This is what I want. But I need you to keep pushing on. I know that lately your life has kinda sucked. Just keep pushing through it. Do it for me. Do it for all the people out there like me that need you in their lives. Do it for yourself. And Kar. My beautiful, smart best friend. I will love you until the end of time. We are the best match of best friends that anyone could ask for. We are the perfect contrast but amazingly so similar. You have helped me through so much and I hope I have helped you too. You will always have a special place in my heart. I'm sorry that we don't get to move to our apartment in New York. I'm sorry that we don't get to have matching puppies but one black one white and one girl one boy. I'm sorry that we don't get to talk again. And I'm sorry that this is my pathetic goodbye. If you need me, I'll be with you. I'll miss you. I love you 3000.

Once again I'm sorry for whoever I didn't mention. Just know that if you think you meant something to me, you did. I'm also sorry for being so narcissistic. Also sorry for talking like someone is there. I don't even know if anyone will read this. I hope that they will. I guess this letter wasn't really how I imagined. I thought I was going to tell you what I went through, but that's not what I want to do. I want to celebrate the good. Thank you to everyone who made my life so special and I wish I could keep living it. But I have to go.

Aloha.