𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫

these days I often find
myself awake in the late hours
of the dwindling evening
reminiscing in what I've come to know.
there has been so much chaos and
anxiety and ruin in my own life,
yet this is not what I think of.
I think of all the beautiful things I have
been blessed enough to have.
the monday evenings in the spring when
the air was warm and I
could cruise home through
the sunset light with my car windows
rolled all the way down.
the wednesday evenings that
are a newer addition
and often yield serenity and hot chocolate.
I remember how it felt walking
down the biology hallway to the choir
room to get my choir binder off of the
risers before our last concert.
and I can't help but smile when I remember
meeting you by the Christmas tree our
sophomore year.
we were hiding yet we ended up
finding one another.
and we have been friends since then.
I am so blissfully happy to know you and
I don't think I could ever
make that known enough.
then comes everyone else I have come
to know in these years.
the girl with the golden hair who has
reminded me to work hard.
the girl with auburn hair who
has been a partner to me when times
are hard and our hospitality is feeling as
though it might run dry.
the girl with the dark, straight hair who
has given me everything.
friendship, hope, and a drive to dream
larger than life itself.
she has given me a shoulder to cry on,
a place to vent, and a reason to
stand beside my own opinions.
I don't deserve her, yet I have her
and I thank God everyday.
there are other boys who have entered
my life in an energetic frenzy.
one is dark haired and has become the
equivalent of a younger brother to me.
I would do anything for him
because he means that much to me.
another is also dark haired,
but I think I have more than a sibling like
bond with him.
he's popped into my life periodically
and has loved every piece of me
from the moment that I met him.
I think I've done the same, I've just been
awful at showing it.
the last one that I'll mention is
a boy with hair the color of milk chocolate
and a heart made entirely of solid gold.
he's also like a younger brother to me
and I would die for him
and I mean that with everything
in my being.
he has treated me and everyone around
him with the utmost kindness
and he deserves for all of that to be
returned to him.
I have met 11 wonderful leaders
in my time too.
all of them being uniquely strong
and dignified in their own way.
they are all beyond wonderful and I owe
much of my success to them.
then comes him.
the boy who broke me and
made me whole again several times.
a toxic, vicious cycle was created and it
was one I fell into without
second thoughts.
yet i escaped that same cycle without
second thoughts, which shocked him.
yet not a day goes by that i do not
recall his green eyes and smile.
and watching his young brother smile
at me the way he does just
reminds me how much it really hurts.
another hurt me too.
he was blonde with glasses and a smile
that would make a nun commit a sin.
and God I loved him.
everything inside of me ached because I
was so in love with him and
everything about him.
yet to him I was
an immature inconvenience
and he quickly moved on with an older
girl.
I have not see him since
and I'm glad for that much.
I recall again my happinesses
and blessings, however.
the way it felt showering at five in the
morning during Colorado summers
and how it felt falling in love
under the sky filled with billions
of glowing stars.
the way it felt throwing up
on the track outside of a field house
and the way the mornings of
January always chilled me.
nothing could've prepare me for
the last day I was there.
I don't want it to end,
and I never did.
but this is for the best.
how could I keep the torch
from someone else?
how can I deny someone the freedom
to see life blossom
despite the fact that it has changed
so much that they don't even
recognize it?
how could I?
besides, I always knew this was
the last chapter.

written on: december 7th, 2020