The World's a Crazy Place

Chapter I

It came to me in a dream. I was having my usual dream about banging JLo when he appeared. Shit. I was getting to the good part too. Anyway, I was surprised when Jennifer Lopez's naked body turned into Biggie's giant floating head.
"Get off me, you gay-ass nigga!"
Shit. I realized I just humped Biggie's head.
"I-I-I'm so sorry homie"
"It's no biggie cuz, anyway, let's cut to the chase. These whores called the Kardashians are gonna fuck the world up. You gotta stop them. Get a couple of ya niggas and go find Tupac."
" But Tupac's dead" I stuttered.
"No he's not, the nigga lived," said Biggie. " He's your only hope to save tha world. Now go back to fucking that hot chick you were doing. Biggie Smalls is OUT!"
Jennifer Lopez reappeared, and I finished off the job.

I woke up to my neighbor shooting up a stray cat. I put on my fuzzy pink bathrobe that had QUEEN embroidered into the back in people thread. Not my first choice, but shit, it was 99 cents. Beside, I have the matching panties as well. I went outside and saw my neighbor sitting on a lawn chair with a AK-47 in his hand, wearing a cap that said "World's Worst Grampa". When I say he was wearing a cap, I mean he was wearing ONLY a cap. I avoided the sight of his wrinkly elephant ballsacks and went to pick up the paper.
"Hey Keith!"
Shit. He saw me.
"Oh hey Jared" I reluctantly yelled back.
" I haven't seen you since your dog ran across the land mines in my front lawn! I always need to remind these mailmen to use the damn path."
I sighed. " How many did we lose this month?"
"I think only three this time."
"THATS NOT A GOOD NUMBER JARED!!"
"To you I'm Corporal Jared and do you know how many we lost in 'Nam! It's their damn fault for not walking on the path!"
Then, he suddenly twitched. He then yelled "WASHINGTON!!" and ran over to the cat's dead corpse and cradled it, breaking down in tears.
"YOU WERE A GOOD MAN!!!"
Shit. The PTSD was kicking in. Time to leave.

As soon as I walked through the doorway, the phone rang.