My Guardian Angel//Lams//Post Laurens Death

Chapter Thirteen- Congratulations

A/N: 

This is probably going to be the only time I name a chapter, but this one definitely needs it. Brace yourselves! It time for Laurens to call Hamilton OUT! And later Angelica will do it, too, of course.

All right, enjoy you beautiful cinnamon rolls!

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Alexander Hamilton

I'd locked myself in my study, knowing that Eliza is still out of town visiting her ill sister, Peggy. She'd wanted me to go with her, but I told her I was okay. I'd visit Peggy later. Now, Eliza's sister will never want to lay eyes on me again. 

If there one thing I'm afraid of, it's Angelica Schuyler-Church. It won't be pretty when the Reynold's Pamphlet makes it over to London. And word travels fast from New York. I've seen Philip, but he doesn't ever say more than 'hello' to me. A glare is always planted firmly in his eyes.

I know it was stupid of me. Why did I have that dumb affair? I shouldn't have. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have had to write something about it. Jefferson would've broken his promise eventually. 

"My fault?" Jefferson scoffed. "You brought this upon yourself, Alexander. Don't go blaming others for your mistakes."

I tap my fingers on my desk nervously. I haven't heard from Washington for the months since he resigned (A/N: Yes. I forgot to add One Last Time. I am ashamed. Oops) a while ago. My mind has been occupied, but the more stress that piles, the more I think about him. It's just so...so... frustrating!

No matter how many times I curse him in my mind; no matter how much I tell myself I should hate him...I don't. And it doesn't make sense to me. There are days I would rather do anything but think about him, and there times when what I really need is to recall a memory with him. Ugh. Emotions. My worst enemy. 

"Alexander Hamilton," a familiar voice says. "I'll be damned."

I look up from the papers and see John Laurens standing there. "I...wha..."

"No need to question it," he replies quickly. "Just accept that I'm here. And I'm here to tell you something." He smiles emptily. "Congratulations." 

John's eyes turn resentful. "You have invented a new kind of stupid. A damage you can never undo kind of stupid. An open all the cages in the zoo kind of stupid. Truly, you didn't think this through, kind of stupid!" He begins to walk with authority. "Let's review: You took a rumor, a few, maybe two, people knew and refuted it by sharing an affair of which no one has accused you. They beg you to take a break, you refuse to.

"So scared of what your enemies will do to you. You're the only enemy you ever seem to lose to! You know why Jefferson can do what he wants? He doesn't dignify schoolyard taunts with the response! So yeah! Congratulations!"

"Laurens, wait--" I begin. He cuts me off. 

"You've redefined your legacy," he says mockingly. "Congratulations."

My next words I barely think about. "It was an act of political sacrifice!"

John stops. He looks at me, misery and pain evident in his eyes. "Sacrifice?" he frowns. "I languished in a loveless marriage with Martha, I lived only to read your letters. I look at you and think, 'God, what have we done with our lives? And what did it get us?'. That doesn't wipe the tears of the years away, but I'm back in the city, and I'm here to stay. And you know what I'm here to do?"

"Jack." my voice is close to a whisper. John glares at me. 

"I'm not here for you." he admits. "I know Philip like I know my own mind. You will never find anyone as trusting or as kind. And a million years ago, someone said, 'This one's mine'. So I stood by...do you know why?!

"I LOVED YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN MY LIFE!" real tears are streaming down his face as he shouts at me. "I CHOSE YOUR HAPPINESS OVER MINE EVERY TIME! And Eliza!"

"Eliza..." I murmur regretfully. 

"Is the best thing in your life! So never lose sight of the fact that you have been blessed with the best wife!" John wipes his eyes, which are still full of absolute hatred and anger. "Congratulations! For the rest of your life! Every sacrifice you make is for your family, give them the best life! Congratulations!" 

"W-wait," I stammer. 

"If you try to excuse your behavior, I will personally trash this entire place." John threatens. 

"I'm not," I agree. "I'm not going to try, I just...are you actually here? Or are you in my mind?"

John blinks and one last tear slips down his freckled face. "What do you think, Alexander? I thought you hated me. Well, now you can think the same thing. I couldn't care less." and he disappears. 

I stare at the place where John just was. I don't know what to think. I don't know how to feel. But, for now, I think I'll just cry.

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John Laurens

Lying. Lying, lying, and more lying. You can officially call me a liar. Nobody should trust anything I say anymore. Most of what I said to Alex is true, but...what I said after...that was the biggest lie of my death and life. I care too much. Not too little. 

I know because, immediately after I leave, I break down entirely. I can barely think, my heart is throbbing painfully. I hug my knees, regretting everything I'd said. I wish I'd just tried to help him. But I know he has to sort this out himself. And then Philip being upset with me...

I don't have anywhere to go, I think as my surroundings shift. I'm stuck in between. When can I just rest in peace? When can I finally be happy with myself? 

Isn't death supposedly the end? Well, apparently not. I'm dead, but I still have emotions. I still feel things. So what would be the point of suicide? If I had killed myself (which I'm glad I didn't) I would still be able to feel everything. 

Life sucks. 

And so does death. 

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A/N:

So, yeah, lots of angst. Philip won't die for, maybe, another chapter. I decided to make this one short because I'm not quite sure how to successfully transition. I have an idea, though. And my mind is floating to my upcoming Percico story. 

Anyway, stay tuned for that and feel free to remind me about this story because I guarantee I will forget. You guys rock!

I Have the Honor to be Your Obedient Author,

A. Ford.

Song of the Day- Candy Store, Jessica Keenan Wynn and Original Off-Broadway Cast of Heathers: the Musical