The Last Leaf Drops One Fall Morning.

Rain Falls One Autumn Morning

October 2019

As we part ways through a six month relationship. I slowly wonder how you have been. Though the feeling of heartbreak was backing me down from texting you. 

I couldn't forget the feeling of heartbreak as it stood at the back of my mind hitting me at the most vital point. 

Is this feeling messing with my mental health or my heart? Is it both? Why can't I get rid of this pain? How do I get rid of this pain? Why do I feel like ending it all? What did I do wrong? 

As the week passes I still couldn't get rid of this aching feeling. The feeling of being worthless. 

 Is this what true heartbreak really feels like? The constant pain I feel through my body. The constant teardrops that dry my eyes out. The late night thinking of how badly I messed up. As the thoughts slowly consume me into the night, The hole in my chest grows every second, every minute till' the sun rises. 

The sun flashes through my curtains as it wakes up for another sorrow filled day. The feelings start to hit me more than ever. Thoughts running through my head. 

Was I imperfect? Was it my fault we broke up? Too scared to ask her I put my feelings aside as I cast a fake smile on my face to hide the sorrow from the others. 

As school starts I still couldn't get the thoughts out of my head. As the hours pass my heart starts going numb. 

Why did it go numb? I don't know myself to be honest. 

Did I give up on myself? Why can't I feel my own heartbeat? I felt dead at this moment as if I was an empty vessel. I wondered whether or not I would forget this feeling. I felt no emotion for the rest of the day. 

The afternoon comes into play as I lay in bed wondering what to do with myself. Twisting and turning through the evening I wonder whether she felt the same pain as I was. Was I the only one heartbroken? I thought to myself was I someone to be crying over. I'm not the best looking guy, an average kid, a loner who keeps his thoughts and feelings to himself. 

That very night a notification appears on my phone. Was it from her or did someone realize the pain I was feeling. It was just Team Snapchat as always. I rarely ever get people checking on me. It's way better that way.. I do not want people to know how much I've been hurting through the years. 

Midnight strikes as I feel the excruciating pain that once left. Why does it come back at the dead of night? Infinite amount of thoughts racing through my head. Was I just bad in the relationship? I made up a reason for us breaking up. I was just not good enough and she finally noticed that she could find a way better person than I was. 

October 9th 2019

Two days after my birthday it struck me again. This time I really thought I was useless for her. As I look back into the relationship we had, I notice she was going through problems herself and I didn't. 

Pretty stupid right? 

It was as if I really didn't know her at all. Was I really that unreliable to her? I wanted to text her but I just could not push myself to do so. Maybe I was just a bother to her? I thought to myself that I was probably just a bother. I didn't have anyone to vent to. Nor do I ever feel like I was close with anyone either. It was more like I knew of them and they knew of me. It was a rough time for me mentally. I didn't know what to do nor did I feel like dealing with these feelings. I just let it consume me..