Heart Strings

Chapter I

Waking up without him, it's a reality I've become used to. But the never ending ache I feel in my chest, I don't know if I ever will. I check my phone. 5:45. I have fifteen more minutes before the alarm goes off. I contemplate staying in bed, but my cough pulls me out of bed. Quickly, I rush to the bathroom and grab one of the many medication bottles lining the counter. I've had ALL since I was 4. Somehow, it's become a normal for me. I twist my hair into bun and turn the faucet on. Quickly swallowing the pills, I begin to brush my teeth and start my morning routine. Thirty five more minutes to sunrise. Grabbing my tennis shoes and earbuds, I take the stairs and walk out the door into the cool fall weather. I begin my runs every morning at 6:15. It gives me enough time to make it up to the ledge and see the sunrise. Somehow, watching the sun wake up gives me a sense of calm. The only calm in my day these days. Most of the lights in the dorms are still out, and the only light guiding me is the lanterns that line the pathway. At the edge of campus, I take a left and start up the weathered trail into the woods. The recent rain has made the leaves and bark from the trees smell fresh and newly laundered. Nearing the top, I slow my pace. The clearing becomes visible, and I come to a stop. The sun rays are just starting to peak out. Sitting down, I take a deep breath and inhale the woodsy scent around me, but start coughing instead. My hand instinctively covers my mouth and I see blood as I pull it away. This is my reality. Every second of every day. Growing up, my mom was always so worried that one day she'd find I had passed in my sleep. My dad has never been in the picture and she worked so hard to afford all my chemo treatments. I've had countless trips to the hospital, and those bring up a lot of bills. But at twenty, I'm still dealing with it. It's hard, but by now I'm just used to the everyday fatigue, coughing fits, and pain. I look up at the sky to see the sun rising. Another beautiful day. Another day that I get to see and face.
Heading back down the trail is always the hardest. I push my legs to keep moving and make it back to the dorm. Even now, most of the hallway is empty and I actually enjoy the quiet. When I reach the room, I try to turn the know quietly so I don't wake my roommate. Too late. Bailey is sitting up in the bed looking as if she's about to pounce. "You promised you'd wake me up to come with you. I don't like you going alone this early in the morning. For fucking sake, a coyote could have mauled you to death and I wouldn't even know!" she huffs. I shake my head and try to keep my smile hidden. " I'm sorry, I know I promised but you were sleeping so soundly I didn't want to wake you." Bailey steps out of bed and walks over to stand beside me. " Well I do love my sleep." she laughs. I laugh with her and begin to gather my clothes for classes. Bailey follows behind as we head to the showers. "I can't wait until sophomore year is over!" she exclaims. "I hate these smelly fucking showers. And these curtains might as well be transparent."A few girls in the bathroom join in laughing and saying crude comments. The cold water hits me as I turn the knob on. I don't wait for it to heat and start lathering my body in soap. I'm dreading going to class this morning. My first class since he left. I haven't seen him since last semester. Stephan. His name brings an ache to my chest. I wonder where he's been all summer and if he was able to find his dad. I hope he did. Grabbing a towel and drying off, I push the thoughts away so I can focus. Bailey has already finished and headed back to the room. As I enter the room, I throw some clothes out my drawer and start dressing. "Please tell me you're not wearing that again." I look over at Bailey and down at the clothes in my hands. It's just a tshirt and sweatpants but I know she's right. I've worn the same three pairs of sweatpants I have for the entire summer. "Would you rather I wear jeans?" I ask her. "Yes! And with this shirt! It would look so cute on you. It is the first day of sophomore year." She reminds me as she hands me a top from her closet. I nod and put them on. When I look in the mirror, I look a lot more put together than I thought. I realize that I actually like it. "Thank you." I say softly. She looks over at me and smiles. " You got it."
I have a few more minutes until class so I head to the cafeteria for a quick cup of coffee. As I'm filling my cup, I notice Ben heading towards me. He lifts his hand in a half wave but is stopped by a gaggle of girls. Looks like freshman. Oh well. I was trying to avoid him anyways. Ben is Stephans best friend and a close friend of mine. But since the breakup, I tried staying away from anyone connected to both of us. It was just easier to avoid the awkward questions and the most important question, why. It's my fault really. I was scared to tell him I had ALL. He had so much going on, and I was the one sure thing in his life. And to tell him that he could possibly lose me? I couldn't do it. So I pushed him away. Something burns my hand and brings me back to the moment. The coffee has overrun out of my cup. Fucks sake. I take some napkins and clean the side of the cup and head out of the cafeteria. When I enter the classroom, most people have already found their seats. I look to the front and notice some empty chairs and make my way there. I scan the room for Stephan but of course he isn't here. Professor J introduces himself and tells the class to open their books. I follow along but it's so hard to stay focused. I wonder where he is. Surely he didn't transfer or switch classes because of me. But then again, knowing him, he probably did. That must be it. Suddenly a loud noise draws my attention and the door opens. In walks Stephan. My eyes have to double check it's him because he looks so different. He's wearing jeans with a leather jacket, and walking straight for the back when he sees me. There's no sadness in his eyes but a sense of confidence. He quickly looks away and sits down. My mind is racing. The rest of the class goes by without me hearing a single word. Because my thoughts are elsewhere.