A Message to my Younger Self

Head over heels is the way she fell for the University of Michigan. One spring afternoon she sat shotgun, legs bouncing, conversing with a friend. She hadn't been to Ann Arbor since she was young enough to be amused by the hands on museum for hours. This time, she was going to be amused by a completely different part of Ann Arbor; college life.

Slamming the car door shut outside of Markely, it already felt different than the dorms she had stayed at when visiting her brother at Michigan State. The building was just as brown and ugly, but the environment was nothing like she had experienced before. She was surrounded by fifteen story buildings, hospitals, libraries that looked like they were from Harry Potter, and an arboretum filled with life, all at the same time.

If it wasn't the scenery that made her feel at home, it was the people. She may have been able to count the number of students she knew that attended this school on one hand, but she felt comfortable in the crowd of unfamiliar faces. Everyone that buzzed past her all had their own style. No one was afraid to wear cat ears, or admit to playing Dungeons and Dragons. Everyone looked confident, no matter how uncool they would have appeared to the close minded community that made up Rochester Hills, her hometown. She wanted that. She yearned to not be judged for something as insignificant as wearing bright colored shoes or having headphones with wires. She didn't fall in love with the University of Michigan for the pride of being a Wolverine, or the prestigious academic reputation, or anything that it was. She fell in love with it for who it allowed her to be.

A year later, this same girl is going through the college application process. She desperately wants to relive the same freeing feeling she had before. Only this time, for longer than a weekend.

She applied to the University of Michigan early, before the deadline, hoping it would make a difference. For over a month, she checked for a decision daily. The anticipation was eating her alive. She thought that getting denied would be the worst thing that could happen to her. How could she become her true self without moving to Ann Arbor?

I want to tell her that where she goes to college means so little. That her mind was poisoned with the idea of needing to move to be herself. Maybe, she does need to get out of Rochester, but is Ann Arbor the only place that will grant her the freedom she desires? And is University of Michigan what she dreams of, or is it Ann Arbor? Or possibly, she simply dreams of a place she feels comfortable expressing herself without judgement.

She got her decision when she was on a run outside in late December. Her heart was already beating fast, but now it was rapid. Her phone died. She darted towards her house. Flipping open a laptop, she clicked around until pulling up her letter. Her mom was gazing over her shoulder. This glare made her anxiety unmanageable. Carefully, she read each word on her decision letter. She had been deferred.

I want to hold her hand as she prepares for what feels like the longest journey of her life. I want to prepare her for the torture of waiting. And I can't promise her that it will be worth it. College is only four years. A blink of time in the grand scheme of life. How much are we really defined by the college we attend?

Her mom scrambled to get her laptop, pulling up a forum created by other students that were in the same position. All of this movement was happening around her, yet she was stuck in a trance. Unable to move or take her mind off the eight letter word. Her mother was trying to make her feel better, yet all she could understand was that the grades and test scores of the students on this forum were all higher than hers. Her faith was shattered. Why can't I be smarter?

I want to tell her that grades and scores are not everything. To remind her that she is smart. That being deferred is not the same as being denied. That she still has a chance. That there is nothing that she could do at that point to change the decision that would be made. And clearly, she wasn't the only one in this crappy situation. Maybe she could find comfort in that.