Unthinkable

Action

Here I am now.

I'm far from home-- well, far from the cage.

I stayed awake until 4:30am and carefully, with precision, sauntered out of the tent/ cage/ whatever you really want to call it. I heard a hustle bustle and realized that Zaiym had just woken up and was observing me exit. I knew he would start to howl any second now, which would completely foil my plan. Ammi would wake up and see me and never let me budge after she found out what I was planning on doing.

So, I did what I could; my only option.

I woke up Aila. I told her everything, told her to cover for me and left. Oh wait-- before going I gave all 3 remaining members of my family tight, warm hugs- grasping their bodies so close to mine and feeling the heat- all because I wasn't sure if I could make it back.

This place where I am, it's dark and spooky. Because of this war, the electrical and water supply have been really low, so the lights are starting to flicker. Its like I'm in one of those haunted houses that they have in those carnivals during Eid and Diwaali. I miss that.

I felt something on my back, like an ant was crawling up- but soon I realized that it was a drop of dense, greasy sweat rapidly racing down my spinal cord.

I was nervous.

This is serious. All those times I played pretend with those rubber guns and Styrofoam bullets, its all real now. I'm in a REAL situation. Its crazy. I don't know what to do, where to go, what to say. Its too risky to even move my eyeballs from their fixed position watching this perspective view behind a toxic barrel.

I'm scared.

But now I'm here aren't I, so there's no turning back. Everytime I start to doubt myself and my limits, I just remember that this is not for me, it's for Baba and Ammi, Aila and Zaiym.

And I am willing to make that sacrifice.