Sorrow Pages

Book One.

Her Favorite

Emily was a little girl. She was going to turn five tomorrow, so she was really excited. Her daddy was going to come home early from work today, and take the day off tomorrow. Emily was happy about this, to spend time with her dad, and maybe mommy would be happy tomorrow. Her mother always was sad, always crying, staring at nothing, or just sleeping. Emily constantly tried to cheer her mom up, but all she did invoke her tears. Emily's father used to tell her it wasn't her fault, but Emily was still confused. Why was her mommy always so sad? She never knew, but today, she was going to make her mommy happy. Emily had a gift for her, Emily's favorite doll, one she called Sally. Emily climbed upstairs, to visit her mother, who was taking a nap in her room. Emily reached for the doorknob, but it was so high up, and she was such a short girl. "Mommy," she said, and she knocked the door. No response. "Mommy, I have a gift for you," she said, knocking louder, still, no reply. Emily grunted. She then had an idea. She was going to use her stool in her room. She got back to the door, and used the stool to reach the doorknob, and turned it. Emily saw her mother on the bed, and climbed up on with her. Her mother was clutching a paper with words in one hand, and a small empty bottle in another. Emily was about to speak; but something caught her eye. There was some white candy around Emily's mother. There was about twelve white pieces, and Emily got mischievous. Her mother probably ate some, so they had to be good right? "Yum, candy," she whispered to herself. She grabbed the white pieces of candy, and put them into her mouth. They didn't taste very sweet, but she swallowed them one by one, because they were too hard to chew. Emily immediately felt sleepy. She lay on her mother, and whispered, "Mommy, I'm here to give you a gift." She put her doll in her mother's hand, and closed her eyes. The last thing she heard was her father opening the door.

First Steps

I cry as I watch my daughter unsteadily stand on her feet.

She's taking her first steps. It's such a beautiful moment, and I am overcome with joy and sadness simultaneously- so proud of her accomplishments, so sad my wife couldn't be here to enjoy it. Lilly looks just like her mother. I watch her stand, practicing her balance before moving anywhere. I had better get up before she tries to turn around.

I wish Eva were here. She would be so proud of our daughter. In the midst of everything else, she would have loved to see Lilly’s first steps. Having a death in the family can really stress a person out, and losing a spouse is so hard. I cry a little harder, a sob unexpectedly escaping my lips and I swiftly cover my mouth with my hand as so not to distract my daughter. She doesn’t even break concentration, putting a wobbly foot out slowly and moving forward. She giggles, proud of herself. I’m proud too as I circle around her.

“Lilly! Daddy will catch you!” I tell her, and her smile grows wider. I’m not sure how language skills develop, but I think she understands.

She teeters to the left a little, and I put my hands out to brace her. She overcorrects and begins falling to the right. I am unable to catch her

before she hits the ground, a loud yell erupting from her discontented body.

“Daddy!” She cries, and I move forward to pick her up.

Eva comes rushing in and swoops up our fallen angel.

“I know baby," she comforts, "I miss Daddy too.”

Kept Promises

I watched her as she bent down to sniff a flower. "Do you like flowers?" I asked her with a smile. "Oh, more than almost anything.. Except you," she replied, a light blush spreading across her face. I grinned even wider and kissed her cheek. "One day, I'll buy you some flowers." "Oh, don't tell me! Surprise me! But... You promise, don't you…?" She looked up at me with big, brown eyes. "Of course. I promise."  I remembered this conversation when I went to visit her some day. "Surprise!" I said, presenting a bouquet of red roses from behind my back. I smiled widely, kneeling down next to her and leaning on her tombstone. Tears flowed down my face as I spoke to her. "I promised you… Remember…?"

Wagging Tail

Warm tears streak my face as I saw her lying there.

I remembered the times at the park with her, the car rides we enclosed in our hearts, and the stern words I'd retaliate at her with.

My hand touches her forehead,

Her tail wags at the sight of her favorite toy.

"Are you ready sir?"

"No, but she is."

A sharp tip pierced through her fur, a slight push of the syringe silenced the sound of a wagging tail.

"Don't worry girl, everything will be alright."

10 Years

My heart stings as I see you, strolling, enjoying your way through life.

But that's not what threatens my sanity, no.

I ask how life has been to you,

It has been just 10 years since I last saw you,

You reply with information about your husband and kids.

Oh, how you sang in your story,

I could hear the love you have for him…

It hurts to see you so happy, not that I don't want you happy, that's all I l've ever really wanted.

It's just...

I used to imagine some lone man asking you how your life was,

Ten years ago…

And I used to think you'd talk about me.

My Companion

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There is nothing worse than the feeling of being completely helpless.
Of having to witness someone who means everything to you in pain everyday, and not being able to do anything about it.
We have spent two years in this hospital, and with each passing minute my best friend, my companion, edges closer to his end.
There is so much that he will never see nor do. We were supposed to grow old together, but now we will not even grow up together. No coffin should be that small.
Without him, I have no purpose. Sometimes I wish I had never been rescued.

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