The thought of letting go

Is this what I want?

 Having suicidal thoughts about killing yourself because you've been excluded from your family makes you feel horrendous. Having the thought that you should just end your life because no one cares about you & you aren't wanted is a terrible feeling. It makes you want to do crazy stunts; believe me I get it. Making yourself go bipolar & crazy, one minute you're crying, the next minute you're laughing while banging your head on the wall. Seems like the whole world is going against you. This crazy decision I had to make was seeing if I should continue living or end it all.

This whole thing started a few weeks ago, choosing what I had to do. Isolating myself from my worried friends, my family, even school. Times were very bad & they still are to this day. Having a condition where you are bipolar makes the situation worse. I had to make this terrible decision of should I live or die. I'm still making that decision. Figuring out my sexuality, being judged for it & not even getting the sympathy that you needed from your close ones makes you feel atrocious. Being in a complicated relationship with someone, not even knowing if you are together or not. Getting hated on & being mistreated makes you want to lash out. I have before & it hurts; bad.

I can clear up one thing, I never did cut myself. I cannot pass over the fact where I stopped eating or banged myself against the wall because I was thrashing out. In this complicated relationship, I didn't know if the girl really liked me or not. This went on for months. Having the thought if she really did care for me or if she was using me. I found out my answer a few days ago. She cares for me & loves me but, that doesn't exclude the fact that I would think such a terrible thing. I can easily say that I bet you never had thoughts about lashing out because you thought your significant other was using you. That you never had felt like an outsider from your own family, isolating yourself from everybody because you don't know what's wrong.

  Sometimes, things are like that. Life is a path that you are walking through & every time you step on an object, that is a lesson. The object I'm stepping on is a whole tree, feeling the urge that I will never get over it. This whole thing could be because I'm just entering my teen years. I have no one I can turn to without being judged. You probably deny that but no, think about it. My family will talk about it with my other family members & they will have something to say, that I'm over reacting & need to go talk to someone. My friends love me to death but they can't help me when I'm this deep down in the trench. My friend went through the same path I am going through now & I would HATE for her to relive her situation.

The one thing that I do not want to do is talk with any type of physiatrist, therapist, administrator or any type of adult about this. They will only make it worse. I tried talking to an adult about this but I got knocked down. Never in my life will I pour out my feelings like I'm doing now to an adult. What makes me want to do that is because they think I am doing this for attention. To miss school, get special attention, have everyone over you. One thing I hate is saying I'm doing something for attention. This is why I barely talk about things like this. Why am I talking about it now? I have kept this in for far too long & I'm worried about myself. I never do things for attention because I don't like to draw that to myself. I don't want people coming up to me in front of everyone talking about "Are you ok? Did you take your meds?" That is embarrassing

In conclusion, this rough path that I'm am going through is called life verses death. Right now, I'm down the middle. The tough decision that I have to make is choosing if I should continue to isolate myself or just end it all. I have wondered & thought this through though. I wouldn't be ending my life to hurt others. I would be ending my life to improve others life because right now, I'm a weight that is dragging them behind form their goals. The last thing I want to see is someone I truly care about get knocked over because I relied & depended on them too much. Why hurt others by living when you can just improve others by dying?! AGH I HATE WHERE I AM IN LIFE RIGH NOW. I WANT TO END IT ALL. END IT ALL NOW!