I said I was ok I lied

The first time

I was taken away from my mom and left with my biological father when I was five-years-old. I had a very close relationship with my Dad; he was everything to me. Even though he was abusive I felt close to him we lived with his grandma and when we finally got our own place and I went to school I was bullied and teased. I had no friends. Everyone was the enemy; sometimes that even included my own family. We moved a couple more times. I started to get lonely and pull back from my family. because my dad was supporting us, so I hardly saw him because he was always at work. Then he met another girl – I despised her from the moment I heard her voice. It was around this time that I started to cut myself. It's hard to believe but I was only 11 years-old. Everything that was happening in my life was stressing me out and it just kind of came out. I remember the first time I cut myself and this unexplainable rush filled my body. I was instantly calm. I cleaned myself up and didn't tell anyone. If they asked what happened to my hand I'd tell them it was an accident. No one questioned me – I think they thought I was too young to feel stress. I didn't know that what I was doing had a name, but I was aware of why I was doing it. It was a powerful release and a convenient way of punishing myself. I had a really bad case of low self-esteem; I'd cry if someone called me stupid. I don't think anyone knew what I was doing at this stage. I knew my Dad would freak out if she knew the random cuts were on purpose, but cutting was my personal drug – it made me feel high. Keeping it a secret was the most thrilling thing...