Hold On 'Til May - Fuenciado

Chapter Eight

[Jaime]

Getting ready, I plastered on a fake smile. On the inside though, I was empty. My mind was just kind of wandering from thought to thought. My wandering was interrupted by the voice of Alan, from Of Mice and Men.

"Hey, Jaime, you alright? I know, I really have no business asking this, but I care about you so..." he trailed off, giving me a shy smile.

I smiled a little back at him. "Yeah, I'm fine..." Alan pulled me into a hug, he could sense I was lying.

"I can see there's something bugging you Jaime..." he was silent for a moment then continued, "but if you don't want to talk, I won't make you. I looked at him and could tell he was sincere, he actually cared. "But tell me one thing, does it have to do with Kellin and Vic?" I tried not to react, but my face showed him everything. "Jaime, I don't know if you have feelings for Vic, you don't like Kellin, or just don't like sharing your best friend, but you've gotta talk to Vic about it... whatever it is." I let out a sigh and he hugged me tighter. He was right, I did need to talk about it. But I couldn't talk to Vic. I didn't want to hurt him, and I know he'll probably blame himself if he knows I'm upset over this.

"I can't..." I whispered, trying to piece together what's going on. "I just... can't."

"Jaime, think through your thoughts... figure out what's going on... you can talk to me if you need some help with figuring out, but then, talk to Vic, okay man?" Alan rubbed my back.

"Guys, we're gonna leave soon!" Austin came cheerfully over to me and Alan and noticed what was going on. "Hey Jaime... it's alright, ya know? Whatever's going on in your life, me and my ginger princess will be here for you, okay?" Austin came up behind me and sandwiched me between him and Alan.

"Guys, we want him alive for supper don't we?!" Phil said and I laughed.

"I guess... not that we need him there!" Alan joked, and I hit him. He rubbed his hands through my hair, messing it up completely. "Joking man!" He quickly turned away, before I could do something back to him. Austin laughed then stood up to follow Alan, wrapping his arms around his waist and whispering something in his ear. I heard Alan laugh. They seemed awfully close, but I guess they always seemed that way. I got up and got ready, continuing in my train of thought. I wish Vic and I were still like that... we could fool around without any real emotion... wait. If Vic's liked me for a while... what if there was emotion behind his actions, and he thought I was leading him on? If that was the case, he must be pissed! But, I guess he doesn't seem pissed at me... just kind of upset. I felt bad anyways... I wanted us to be like Austin and Alan. Careless friends, doing cute things together, without worrying about our sexualities... I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth, and when I came out, I heard whispers.

"So, we're going to tell them tonight?" One of the voices whispered.

"Yeah, they're going to find out soon enough anyways..." The other voice replied. I really couldn't guess what the two were talking about, so I turned the corner, pretending to not have heard them, to give them their privacy. I saw Austin's back, him facing someone against one of the bunks. He leaned down and... kissed Alan? My jaw dropped open. So there was emotion behind their actions? Were there people who didn't have emotions behind their gay-seeming actions? Austin pulled away from Alan and Alan looked over at me, me still shocked.

"Oh, hey..." he said, flustered. Austin quickly pulled away from Alan, a worried look on his face.

"Don't worry guys," I smiled. "No one will know before you're ready." They looked at each other then smiled.

"Thanks man." Austin game me a hug. I kind of miss having someone to hug me... to kiss me... to love me. I... I missed having Vic love me... and maybe... I missed being able to love Vic back. Did I love Vic like that? I couldn't, I was straight... I knew that, plain and simple. But what about those gorgeous brown eyes that I can't help getting lost in some days... and his hair, which seemed to always look perfect, no matter the time of day... or how his smile made me smile... there was no way I could be attracted to Vic... could I?

Austin had already pulled away from the hug and him and Alan were just sitting watching me think. "Could you what?" Alan asked. Shit, did I say that aloud?

"Ah, nothing, just thinking out loud man." No. I wasn't. I decided that I was just being crazy and Vic was just fucking with my emotions. Even though it wasn't purposeful... it wasn't his fault, so I shouldn't try to blame this on him.

"Come on guys, we gotta get going!" Phil came over and rushed us. I wondered why we were going to some fancy restaurant if - oh yeah. Are Austin and Alan planning on telling everyone then? I wonder how long they've been together... how long they've been keeping it a secret. Why did they even hide it? No one would care. I'd have to ask them later, 'cause now I was curious.

We got to the restaurant and sat down, Austin and Alan together, Vic beside Alan, Tony beside Vic. I was beside Phil, who was across from Tony, which meant I was across from Vic... at least he was beside Tony, no stupid boyfriend to fuck around with my emotions even more. The waitress came around and took our order, and I noticed Mike checking her out. Once she was gone, someone brought up the topic of Vic and Kellin. Come on... I tuned them out, staring blankly at the wall behind Vic. The waitress came back and gave us our food, and when I looked up from mine, I met eyes with Vic. For some reason, I couldn't break eye contact with him. I thought of what I had been thinking about earlier, being gay for Vic. I couldn't be... yet, for some reason, to me his face was so inviting. His lips just begged to be kissed, and I just wanted to get lost in those eyes forever... I was scared, what was I thinking? I couldn't fuck with Vic some more... I already rejected him... and I'm not gay, even if I was attracted to Vic. Wait... I... I just admitted I'm attracted to Vic? Vic finally looked away, his face a look of worry.

I started to pay a little attention to the conversations around me, meaning to distract myself. I looked over at Austin and Alan, who were having a very 'serious' argument, over who was better at some video game. Real mature guys. I let out a little chuckle, then noticed how happy Austin and Alan looked. They were really cute together, regardless of whether they were friends or more, even though I know they were more. Had me and Vic been anything like that, before we fucked up? If we had been, I hadn't even noticed... but, however we used to be, I missed it. I wanted that back... but I also kind of wanted more. I've never been with a guy before, so how can I for sure say I don't like them? I've never felt attraction towards another guy before... but yet I felt attracted to Vic. But Kellin... Vic was happy with Kellin, and had already pretty much forgotten about me... did I really want to mess them up? No, because what if I wasn't gay... what if my mind's just fucking with me, and I hurt Vic... we'd be worse than we are now... and I can't lose him. I played around with the food on my plate using my fork, not having eaten much. Vic noticed, and asked me if I wasn't hungry. I nodded then looked back down, hoping he'd take the hint that I didn't want to talk.

"Hey guys!" Austin called for our attention, so we all turned to look at him.

"Guess what?" Alan smiled and bit his lip after saying that.

"What?"

"Two months today," Alan looked at Austin with the biggest of smiles on his face. Austin leaned in and kissed Alan, then pulled away to look at the expressions on everyone's faces. A majority of us had a look of shock on their faces, but I just had a smile on mine. I was happy for them. I looked over to Vic, and his face was one of happiness, but his eyes showed want. Did he like one of them? But he's got a boyfriend... and I thought he liked me before that... so, what?