The Happy Ending We'll Never See

First and only chapter..?

SERIOUSLY THIS IS HEAVY SPOILERS FOR SUPERNATURAL SEASON 15 EPISODE 18

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Everything in Dean's mind after losing his angel was a blur... a messy glob of thoughts and emotions all squished together to form some unintelligible clump of negative things. That was the best way he could've described it if asked to, yet no one dared talk to him at that moment if it didn't seem necessary. They treated him as if he was fragile, which he would've hated if he was present enough in the moment to care. It was true anyway, as much as he despised that truth. He was breaking to the point that even a poke could shatter him, letting the dam of tears open again. Dean only presented a shell of himself, one that Sam would try to coax into talking, or that Jack would try to be there for.

He didn't want that. He just wanted his angel.

...

The fight had been won, in some way or another. Humans were free to walk the Earth again- the earth that was still standing. Other-world hunters were returned to their lives they'd adapted to, nothing could be done for what their homeworld had become. Charlie had gotten her shot at love again, and Sam had gotten his love back. Jack remained standing, able to make it out with his soul this time. It should've called for a celebration, and it did! For others, at least.

Dean isolated himself, as anyone would expect. He'd been planning to drown himself in beer, but he gave in to the temptation to throw a newly-opened bottle at the wall every time with a frustrated scream. It did nothing but make a mess as leave his throat raw, as well as create a hazard of broken glass. He glared at the shards, feeling as though those same broken pieces were stabbing him through the heart. The pain he felt was nothing compared to what he deserved, though. That's what he thought, anyway.

The feeling that overpowered everything else was regret. Dean hadn't done anything, he hadn't tried to stop him- he just let himself be thrown aside and stared. He still wore the jacket stained with the handprint, though that was just him in denial. It was so similar to the handprint left on his shoulder when he was first saved from hell, it felt painfully ironic that it was the last mark he'd ever have to remind him of the angel. His angel...

Or more accurately, what could've been his angel.

Dean had the time to say it back, those three words that now echoed in his head with Castiel's voice. Yet, he hadn't.

What was he so afraid of? Rejection, in that last moment? Or was he still afraid to admit it to himself, that he needed the angel more than anything, he needed him alive and apart of the weird makeshift family they created? He needed him, and yet he could never have him. It was as Castiel had said... "The one thing I want is something I know I can't have."

The mental image of Castiel's eyes, shimmering with tears even in the darkened room, a stunning shade of blue that even the ocean couldn't compete with, was burned into his brain. It was the first and only time he'd ever seen the other cry, but the moments after that were certainly not the first, only, or last time he himself would cry over the angel.

Dean found himself sitting on the floor against the wall of his room, opposite to that of the mess of beer and glass. He hung his head in shame, though he'd run out of tears to cry quite a time ago. He wasn't worthy of the praise he'd been given.

"You're the most caring man on earth, you are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know."

Those were lies, weren't they? But Cas wouldn't lie to him, not then... not when he'd been the one so sure it was goodbye.

"I cared about the whole world because of you."

That led to them all getting hurt so many times, that thought process. Dean still wasn't sure if that was naive of Castiel, or if he was free to admire the fact he had such a big heart.