Brute

Part 22

Nine

I was deep in thought, turning this and that side, but sleep abandoned me. Lucky, tomorrow was the weekend, so even if I sleep late, I could cover for it later. The air was cold, raining again tonight. My thought went back to Joong, who pampered me to no end. He'd already given too much, made me felt grateful, but a little uneasy too. My parents taught me to be honest, modest and grateful. We never had much, comfortable yet not rich, so even when I befriended Joong all this time, money was never part of it. I didn't need any luxury to be by his side, only a strong trust and...love. Joong had already made it clear of how he felt about me.

I touched the side of the bed that was empty. Somehow, something was bordering him, since I fell sick again. Ah, this body really age faster, I should have known better, the limit that it could take. The event from yesterday, though it was a misunderstanding, Joong's heartbroken words; that I was neglecting his feeling; made me felt a deep guilt; from before, and also now. I wanted to hold his hand, yet I put a high wall between us too. I sat up, rubbed my chest to gain courage, and went out of the room to go to his, yet to my surprise, the front door was opened and thin puff of smoke was coming in, maybe because of the wind.

I went to the door and immediately cough unexpectedly, surprising Joong who stood up, cursed in shock, put out the ember on the stub, and wiped his face in guilt. He didn't say a word, and I just took the other seat next to his, and looked at the calm darkness while leaning my head on the wall behind. Joong carefully took his seat and joined me in silence.

"When did you start smoking, Joong?", I asked and I could hear his resigned sigh.

"I'm sorry. Did the smoke suffocate you? That, it caused you to wake up? I didn't see it was blown off into the house..."

"No, Joong. I'm not reprimanding you. I just wanted to know things that I had missed, a different you, from who you once were. I remembered, you said that people changed, so enlightened me a bit...", I said, looking at him, smiled and looked back to the front.

"After leaving varsity, Nine, at early 20, maybe...", he said, unfinished.

"And..?", I asked the next cue to continue.

"Not just smoking; I tried many things, except drugs, and...women"

"Oh...no one caught your interest? With your status, wouldn't that come easily, I mean not exactly just for entertainment, for relationship too?"

"Not that there's no one who tried; but, I only liked just one person, and though he left me; his memory haunted my dreams, liked a ghost...a cute type...but made me see no one else at all", he said with a bitter laugh.

"Ah, no wonder I kept on having dreams too. They say, dreams are not only our unconscious want, but also a connection with someone who dreamed about you too".

"Really, Nine? Did you see anything in those dreams? Share them with me, let see if that connection theory or whatever it is, could be proven".

"You didn't smile, sometimes we talk, sometimes it was just a walk passed, sometimes all you need was just a hug. Argh, fake theory! Maybe, it was because that was how we were, all that years too. And what was yours, Joong?. What did you see about me?"

"Sunshine that turned to rainstorms, and in the end...vanished, liked smoke going up in the air. Maybe that was also how I felt inside; turmoil and anguish; replaying time and again, the last day before you left me".

I closed my eyes, listening to how broken his heart was, again, make me felt an indescribable pain in my chest, my brows furrowed...

"Nine? Can't breathe? Nine?", I could feel the person kneeling in front of me, his hands were holding my arms, shaking me a little. When the pain was gone, I could feel the dampness under my eyelids, but still I opened them and looked at the person who waited, his eyes darting with the same fear that would always appear whenever this happened.

"Joong, could you promise me something?", I wanted to make things clear from this moment on.

"No, when you say it this way, I would rather not hear anything you wanted to say", Joong shook his head and tried to stand, but I cupped his face to calm him down and also to make sure he listened carefully.

"I love you. Not just now, but since a long time ago. But, I can't promise you forever. That word is taken from me since I was little, and it's not getting any better now. If you could accept me, one day to the next, and it would repeat that way, till when, even I don't have a definite answer, then... I'll be with you".

Joong's lips tightened. His eyes were already shiny. He knew that I told him the hard truth, which he wanted to deny, but couldn't.

"You are cruel, Nine. You still haven't given me a definite answer, yet you put the ball in my court. It's not a fair play", as expected, he won't take it.

"I won't let you be broken later, if you expect to hold me longer from the start. I can't give you more than that, Joong. So, we are at an impasse", I smiled sadly, and about to let go of my hold on him, but was surprised to be lifted till I was tiptoeing. Though his hold on my waist kept me from falling down, my arms automatically wrapped around his shoulders.

"No, Nine. I said it's not fair, not that I won't accept the condition...", my lips were kissed hard, till it was hard to breathe and only then he let go, "in business, we called that; sealed the deal".

"Alright, accepted. But, I won't kiss you back, since you tasted liked cigarettes, urgh".

Joong just laughed, and hugged me tight, "I'm sorry, I'd stopped, just sometimes it's an old habit that is hard to break when my mind is in a mess".

I kissed the side of his neck, wondering what mess he was thinking about, but that could wait for later.