When I'm Gone

Gone

When I'm gone
Restless nights of waiting and wondering. Hoping you would come home someday soon, crying every moment hoping your safe, where ever you are. Sitting on the bed thinking about all of our old pictures and memories gone, thinking about all the fun times we had together.
Just carry on
Sitting in this home alone raising our kids all by myself. Wishing you would come home so I can hug you and tell you one last time I love you.
Don't mourn
Me and the kids miss you so much. But, we have to accept your gone, even though we can't. This all seems like a huge dream that we can't wake up from, it's a nightmare. Then it happens my nightmare just gets worse, the cops show up the next morning to tell me my true love is gone, dead, never coming back.
Rejoice every time
How am I suppose to tell the kids? How are they going to react? At that moment I burst out crying, putting myself down, I should have said I love you when I had the chance. But, life goes on, people get forgotten, and people move on. Now it's time to tell the kids that their father is dead and never coming home. The moment I tell them they start crying, but the reaction was different then what I was expecting.
You hear the sound of my voice
They just cry and run to their rooms to calm down, while I sit on the couch, thinking is it true? Is my true love really dead? Am I dreaming? Is this some sort of twisted joke?
Just know that
As I sit down on the couch, I started to think of our last moments together.
About what my last words were, I remembered the last thing I said was "I hate you, I wish I never would have met you or even married you". But then I remembered if I had never had met him I wouldn't have my two beautiful children Kora and William.
I'm lookin' down on you smilin'
Gosh I remember the day I found out I was pregnant, the day I found out my first baby was a handsome little boy. I remember the day he was born and I got to hold him for the first time. And I saw the look on my true loves face when he got to hold William, at that moment everything was at peace. Then two years later we welcomed our beautiful little girl Kora. I can remember how happy I was when I found out they both had his hair, beautiful blonde and brown hair was always my favorite.
And I didn't feel a thing so baby
His name was Ryan Long. I met him on a beautiful summer day in California.
And we ran into each other surfing the beach, and crashed onto the shore. I remember looking into his beautiful blue eyes as he was helping me get my board and helping me get up. It was love at first sight. I couldn't stop staring into his eyes, soon after that we started dating then years pasted and he popped the question and asked me to be his wife. The wedding was beautiful, flowers, music, people, drinks, it was the best night of my life. Then years later we started our family.
Don't feel no pain
As I sit here alone thinking, I thought about when the cops told me. They didn't say where he was found or what time he died or when? So maybe I should call the police station and ask questions about my husband. So I call the police station, the officer that came to my house answered, I asked "where was my husband found, what time did he pass, and when?" the officer says "ma'am I can't answer any questions I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you have a good day". He hung up on me. Why would he not be able to tell me about my husband, my kid's Father. The kids are going to want to know about how their father died one day.
I keep havin' this dream
So I planned to go and search for my true love, maybe he isn't dead, maybe it is a joke? I tell the kids to get in the car they are going to their grandmas. The minute they get out of the car, I start speeding to find my love, I must search everywhere till I find him. I go to the last place he was, which if I remember right it was the supermarket. I go there and he is nowhere in sight. I go outside and stand in the parking lot for a few minutes to think. As I'm thinking I look at the ground and I see marks from Ryan's truck, they are the same tire marks that are at our house. So I decided to follow them and as I follow them, I realize they lead back to our neighborhood. But the tire marks lead to a house on the next street over from our house.
I'm pushin' Hailie on the swing
I look at the driveway and I see his truck. As I walk up to the house to knock my heart is racing like a race horse going for the big win. Then I knock on the door, a
white girl answered the door. She is short with blonde hair and she is pregnant. She speaks and says "hello can I help you with something". Then I hear a voice in the house say "honey who is at the door" then my nightmare happens that voice is my husbands, he walks up behind her and sees me. He steps in front of the girl and ask me "hey my love what are you doing here?" I reply "Yeah I'm here because the cops came to my house and said you were dead? What are you doing here and who is this girl?" he pauses for a minute with a upset look on his face. Then he says "this girl is my wife."
She keeps screaming
I stand there for a second building up anger. Then I ask "how is she your wife if we are married and plus we have two kids together? I'm so confused. He says "I'll be home later to see the kids and explain everything, just go home and cook dinner. I walk away knowing he has been cheating all this time. I go get the kids from their grandma's house. As I am driving home the kids ask me "mom what's wrong you look mad? Are you okay?" I reply "yeah kids I'm okay"
As I'm driving I start to think the worse is gonna happen, he is gonna tell me he is gonna leave me. Then what I am going to do? How am I going to pay the bills? But I guess whatever happens we will be okay without him, things happen I guess.
She don't want me to sing
I walk into the house, take the kids upstairs to clean their rooms, then I came down stairs to wait for him to come home to explain what's going on. As I wait I go to the kitchen to get a drink of water. I take a sip and walk back to the living room, as I enter the room he walks through the door, he drops his stuff and runs over to me and hugs me tight almost in tears. I push myself away from him and he asked " what's wrong my love?" I reply " what do you think is wrong? Who was that girl? Is that baby she is pregnant with yours? And weren't you suppose to be at work?" he grabs my water, takes a sip, sets the glass back down and says "I know what you think and that girl is my wife. And the baby is mine."
You're making mommy cry, Why?
We sat in silence for a while, we kept thinking. I have no idea what he was thinking but, I know what I was thinking about. I was thinking about how I'm going to tell the kids their dad is a lier and cheater. How are they going to grow up without their dad? How am I going to live life alone while taken care of two beautiful children, without any help what so ever? Eh I'll be okay. I don't need anyone to take care of me. Who needs anyone when you got yourself? Then he started to say something and then he stopped himself. I asked "well what were you going to ask?" he reply's and says "oh nothing just thinking to myself." He pauses and then continues with "I was thinking about leaving her and coming back home to you and my kids I miss them deeply. Just wish everything would go back to the way it was." I come back really fast with "well maybe if you wouldn't left to "work" we wouldn't have this problem and I would want you here with us but now you have done this I would rather you leave I never want to see you again okay please leave and never come back!" he walked out the door and I never saw him again, months pasted, then years, then he was forgotten just like that. Its like he doesn't even care about his children or me.
Why is mommy crying?
I don't understand this. Then after years of not talking and the kids gone for college I receive a phone call. Its him I answer and he says "honey I'm dying I just wanted to say goodbye and tell the kids I love them" at that moment he takes a deep breath and he was gone. I stood there puzzled for a moment, well I guess life goes on people you love die and so on. But I know one thing I will never forget that man and how he treated me. Even though he cheated on me and broke my heart I will always love him and I promise I will never love anyone else as much I as I did to him. I went to our bedroom that I haven't been in years. I always just slept in the living room so I wouldn't be reminded. I walked in and I can smell his scent. I walk over to the bed and look under it and I find this weird box, I pull it out and on the top it says "open when you miss me"
Baby daddy ain't leaving no more
I think to myself I really do miss him so much so, I open the box and there is this letter I go to read it and start to cry. When I calm down I read it and it says "when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice. Just know I'm looking down on you smiling. And I didn't feel a thing, so baby don't feel no pain just smile back." I burst out crying and then I stop and remember what it says and he is in a better and happier place now. No matter how many people die just always remember they maybe not be physically here but they are mentally they are, they will always remain in that special place in your heart.