Forgive me

"Carina..."

A voice, that voice... her voice calling my name. How many times I heard her say it, how many nuances she was able to give my name in our moments. But these days I was really hoping not to hear it. After our fight... no, actually, ours wasn't even a fight.

I see you crossing the threshold. You're so lazy wondering why I'm still here. You ran away, that's why: I tried to talk some sense into you, about your father, about the way he behaved with you, or rather about the violence with which he had raised you. I couldn't convince you, but even worse, you ran away. And I couldn't leave without seeing you, without knowing how you were doing. I needed to know, I needed to be there, although I can tell from your face that I'm not welcome here right now.

"Less than an hour ago I screwed with Gibson." One sentence, one tone of voice... something so seemingly intangible was enough to destroy me with the same force as a bomb exploding in my chest. No chance of a response, no attempt to justify yourself... simply in a moment everything about us has been annihilated. I see you disappearing into your room, closing the door behind you. I couldn't move a single muscle. I'll stay like this, a few minutes... I'll give you a chance to come back again, to come back to me, but you don't seem interested in taking it.

I let a few minutes pass before I decide that my dignity has already been trampled on enough: I get up and pick up my things, passing by that door that separates us. I'm blocking the hand, ready to reach out to you. I can't. I gave you everything about me and you burned it to ashes. That's all you'll get from me, that's a promise. I really loved you, Maya, and you tore me apart.

I wake up from these thoughts when you greet me, approaching me. Your voice already makes me boil with anger, but at the same time I feel like I missed it so much. I get lost in your dark eyes, while you're standing there, wearing an old sweatshirt and a white t-shirt, probably the first things you've found at hand, taken by the frenzy of going out, and I see this impatience in your eyes.

With my left hand I caress my right arm, almost trying to give me courage, strength to hear what you have to say, but I'm not sure I want to listen to. Or to be ready to do it. This simple gesture has been my support in these last few days: I had exposed myself, I had put myself on the line on a bet that was lost at the start. And it was only by myself that I had to try to put the pieces back together, the fragments of my soul, of my heart. I wasn't used to trying to fix broken people, but I had to do it with me. Or at least I was trying to, before you got here and before just seeing you shattered me again.

"What do you want?" I tell you, trying to appear as cold as possible. I'm trying, actually.

"I'm an idiot. You were right, my father abused me, but that doesn't justify the way I treated you."

You figured it out... I was hoping you'd figure it out. And now I think about what you must have been like when you found out. When I discovered my father's problems, his troubles, when I realized what was happening to him, I was destroyed. But I had a brother I could count on. You? Who would you have relied on, who would have been close to you? I hope not Gibson... Andy? Maybe, I hope. At least her. You really hurt me that night, but I wouldn't wish you to go through something like that alone.

"Please, please, please, please Carina...take me back." I can't believe you're actually asking me this. Do you really have the nerve to ask me to forgive you? It all seems so surreal to me... but never as surreal as hearing you say those words.

"I love you, Carina... I love you, and I've never said that before, so it means something. I'm sorry, I'm sorry about everything..."

God, Maya... your face, your expression, fully reflect your words. And your eyes are a mirror of a serenity you seem not to have known before this moment. All of this, your words, your eyes, you... it all seems incredible to me, but even more uncontrollable. It's as if I felt two lions fighting inside of me: the pain of going back to my apartment that night, alone, heartbroken, trying to anesthetize the suffering with sips of tequila, only to wake up the next morning and realize how useless it was to trust you, to trust you; and the joy of what you just said to me, because I know that you, like me, have never said those words to anyone before.

"Please... forgive me."

"Oh come on, forgive her!", says Teddy, which I'd totally forgotten about since I saw you. For a few seconds, nothing else existed but us. I know she may be right, but I am convinced that it is too easy to look only at this moment instead of the big picture.

"She cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend..." I say to her before I address you directly.

"And then you throw it in my face just to hurt me, and what am I supposed to do now? Forget that? Am I supposed to trust you?" And there it goes, rage.

The one I had kept inside these days, like an animal in captivity, in a cage. It is the anger that be with me when I was sitting in my apartment, on the living room carpet crying, feeling like a fool, attached to the bottle... the anger as I threw the frame with our picture against the wall... the anger of when I found you in my dreams, in memories of us... all this anger that I can hide with the tone of my voice, but not with words. I've never been able to control those.

You seem to fight the tears and the fear of losing me forever. You wouldn't forgive yourself, I can see it in your face.

"I don't know... I really don't know but I'm okay putting everyday trying to convince you to."

You surprise me again, Captain Bishop... these are words I thought I'd never hear from you. Again I look the light in your eyes, so different, so aware of what you are telling me... sure of your gesture and your words.

"Forgive her!"

This time I'm gonna flash Teddy with eyes.

"Sorry, if you love her, forgive her."

She's right... she's damn right. Your face is changing, she's begging me to listen to my friend's words. Looking into your eyes, I realize I already know my decision, while with my gaze I try to make you feel how hard it is for me to do it. I'm so torn that I can barely silence my inner voice that tells me not to, when I release my real voice and say words I've thought so many times to tell you but never said before.

"I love you Maya" I say, smiling finally free and you with me. "Come here and kiss me" I said. And it's the instant our lips reunite that I realize how much I've really missed you.