Our strange love

The breakdown

"Ferry!!!'' Meghan slightly tapped me and I came back to reality "Oh I'm sorry Meghan I was just deep in my thoughts while I was waiting for you to finish your call. " " I figured " she smiled and told me that she had to go since her boyfriend was waiting for her. "Bye Ferry, it was nice hanging out with you. We should hang out a lot more often "sure" shrugged.

I got home feeling tired and as if I was carrying the world on my shoulder. I felt depressed and hurt because I really liked Meghan, and with the signals she sent I thought we would be a couple someday. Or was it maybe I read the signals incorrectly? Was it all in my mind? At that moment I didn't care about anything. All I wanted was a joint. I went to my closet to check if I had any marijuana, to my surprise I did not have any left. But, I found something that helped me take some of the pain of my shoulder. I found a razor blade. I took the blade and went to the bathroom. I sighed, I rolled up my sleeves and I could feel the cold metal touch my skin, I put it deeper and moved the blade vertically. I started bleeding , and eventually, I ended cutting my whole arm. I released a heavy sigh as I could feel a sense of relief. As the blood was flowing I felt as if the world was being lifted of my shoulder. The feeling felt like a mini orgasm. I opened the tap and splashed my bleeding arm with some water. After a while the bleeding stopped. I went back to my room.
Self harm only helped release the anger I had. It didn't help with the pain. The pain still hit me hard, part of me was still shocked at what had occurred, I still couldn't believe it .I laid on my bed feeling lifeless and alone while listening to some depressing music and At that moment , I had an anxiety attack. My heart started beating rapidly, I felt as if I couldn't breathe, I was shaking, I wanted to scream for help but every time I wanted to say a word I felt as if I was being strangled. I did some breathing exercises and while I was doing that I passed out. I woke up early in the morning around 3am and I all I could ever do was over think. Was I not good enough? Did I not meet her standards? Why does history always have to repeat its self in a different way? I steered at ceiling feeling empty and broken.
Time passed by as I was steering at the ceiling and before I knew it, it was time for me to go prepares myself to go to school.
On my way to school, I kept on thinking about what I'd say to Meghan when I'd see her, since I couldn't figure that out I decided to ignore her until I hopefully felt better. As I walked through the school gate there she was, looking beautiful without really making any effort into looking beautiful. After, noticing that I was steering at her she smiled and waved at me. I waved back at her and I took the other way to class just to avoid having a conversation with her because I was mad at her for tricking me into thinking that she was into me. But then again, did she really lead me on? Or was my mind playing games with me like it usually does ? I didn't know and that frustrated me to a point where I sat down under my favorite tree and buried my face in my hands , and I released a deep sigh and said " I need a fucken blunt. " After a few minutes of being buried in my hands the siren went on and I headed to the first class of the day. I got to class with a lot of expectations , I thought that maybe just maybe the teachers at my school would stop being boring ,and hopefully learn a new teaching method, but that couldn't happen, so I decided to self study , and not pay attention to any teacher and trust me I was doing just fine I didn't need any teacher to pass any subject.

After some hours of self studying it was finally lunchtime and I was super excited to go to the one place at school where I felt free , I felt secure and I felt as if I could be myself. I packed my books in hurry so that I could get to the library in time and sit at my usual spot and finish of the book I was reading the previous day. I stepped into the library and everything felt peaceful, the environment was welcoming , and there was a scent of peace and that just made me feel at ease, I felt lifted and relieved, and while I was there I even forgot about Meghan. I got to my usual spot , and I took out the book , and I rolled my sleeves forgetting that my arms looked as if they survived the second World War, I had forgotten my arms were covered in horrifying cuts. I got comfortable and I started reading and fading away into my zone, until I could feel a presence behind me. I looked behind me only to find a guy staring at me , and I felt uneasy with literally nothing to say to him, there was silence , but surprisingly was not awkward at all. "Hey " he said. I couldn't respond it was as if something was holding back my response , so instead I smiled at him, and he said "those are some pretty sick scars you have on your arms. " I felt uncomfortable, I rolled down my sleeves and I immediately stood up and said to him:
"oh really,anyway I have to go dude. "
"I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable , I just couldn't help but notice your scars, but anyway my name's Nick, and you are Ferry right? ""
Yeah , my name is Ferry "
"Oh cool,want to hang out sometime? " Nick asked
"Yeah sure it's not like I have any friend around here , But now I really have to go , I'll see you some other time, I hope you understand. "
"' Yeah, I totally do. I guess I'll see you some other time "I walked out of the library with a lot on mind.

I was curious about this Nick character. Did I really want to hang out with him ? Or did I just say that because I was starting to feel lonely... I guess at that time it didn , 't matter, at that I just wanted to get home and unwind, after a long day of school.
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I'd like to thank all of my readers for getting this far I love you guys💗❤
I'd also like to send a special shout out to those that always encourage me write even when I don't really feel like it.
Thank you guys for getting this far.
I appreciate it♥️🔥
New chapter coming soon.