true love, almost always

four

It's during one of his classes that he feels it, a gut wrenching feeling deep in his stomach that has him groaning. It's a different type of pain, nothing like nausea or a muscle cramp, because he'd always considered himself as a person with a great pain tolerance, but at that moment, he had just felt like curling in a ball and crying. Jimin and Taehyung would take him to the clinic immediately, and he'd just have tears rolling down his cheeks, and he's sniffling and making these weird choking sounds when he tries to smother down his sobs.

He stays there for a while, the curtains draped closed with Jimin and Taehyung just rubbing his back soothingly. He tries to calm down, but every so and then, a sob bubbles up to his chest and a new wave of tear roll down his cheeks. It stays like that for an hour and the pain in his stomach travels up to his chest. His right arm starts to ache and dizziness starts to seep in his head. He falls asleep in the clinic bed, his whimpers slowing down and his eyes drooping heavily.

When he's back at home, he doesn't try to talk to his parents. They'd come visit now and then, giving a few hugs and pats on the back. His brother would come by when Jungkook had calmed down a bit, ruffling his hair and saying 'it's going to be okay'. But that's the thing, there isn't an 'it' to be okay. For all he knew, 'it' was all okay, everything was going okay in class, but then there was this rush of emotion that came over him and he'd just double over in pain. There was this burning sensation in his gut, something that hadn't been building but more of an eruption. And then it would slowly cascade to his chest, and then he'd start crying and crying, choking on his sobs.

He's in his sheets, listening to the sounds of pans clanging from the downstairs kitchen. His mom was cooking dinner, but he doubted that he'd go down to have some himself. The sound of the washing machine clashing against itself. That old thing was always just waiting to give out. The sound of the TV running from the living room. There was always some sort of game his dad would be watching, cheering on for teams he'd never even heard of. These are all sounds he'd never realized he'd taken comfort into. Such meaningless things that were just always there, a consistency that had always reassured him in some way.

He'd just lays there, listening to his own heartbeat. For the first time in hours, he feels relaxed and his breath relax into a steady pace. His eyes almost drift to sleep, because It's been a long day and Jungkook feels exhausted, but then there's this loud blaring noise that breaks the silence. He knows what it is, someone had gone up and called him again. It would be the sixth call he'd get from his friends.

Only it turns out that it wasn't his friends, it wasn't Jimin, nor Taehyung or even Yoongi. It was her, and it terrified him because he'd always smile at the sight of her name, but there was this raw and intense feeling that had him wanting to decline the call. It terrified him because she's his soulmate and supposedly the 'love of his life' but he had wanted nothing more than to hang up the call. And it just stays like that, him wallowing in the fact as his phone had stopped ringing, and then a few seconds pass and her name appears again. His arm would suddenly feel heavy at the weight of the phone in his hand. Slowly, he would finally tap on the green button.

Her voice hits him like a wave. Jungkook doesn't even have the chance to say anything when her voice starts filling his ears. Her voice is raspy and broken, there's sniffling and whimpering as she rushes through her words. 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry' she whispers in uneven breathes, and he would have stopped her, to comfort her and ask her why she was crying and that 'it' was going to be okay. But then there is this sudden realization that hits him that 'it' wasn't going to be okay, and he probably wasn't going to be okay. So, he just sits there as new tears roll down his cheeks.

When she finally speaks, everything just dawns on him. He felt like he was dying because his soulmate had kissed someone, he felt like dying because his soulmate had kissed someone that wasn't him, he felt like dying because his soulmate's first kiss wasn't him, and will never be him. And then all of her other words just go straight through his other ear. He doesn't hear it when she says that she didn't want it, or when she says that she didn't know it was going to happen until it happened, or when she says that she also felt the pain, the suffocating and unrelenting pain, that she also felt like she was dying.

He hears it when she says she loves him.

Jungkook has always one for cheesy romances and tear-jerking speeches. He imagines their first exchanges of 'I love you' to be at night, with a sea of stars sunken in the night sky because that was where they would have their first kiss. She would have his jacket that was a little too big for her on her shoulders because the night was breezy and his mom raised him to be a gentle man. Her hands would be in his because she always has cold hands and he always has warm hands.

He would talk about the 'old times' like when he had drawn those little cats for her or when he'd waken up to many frowney faces along his arm because his friends yet again drew dicks on his forehead (he should really get some proper sleep). And then he'd try to coax a few tears out of her and end it off with 'I love you', and because this was Jungkook's imagination of how things would go, she would also say I love you, and they'd kiss in the night sky.

Jungkook then realizes that nothing he'd imagined will ever go as planned, that they will never have a first kiss, because she'd already had hers with some random asshole, and that they'd never have their first 'I love you', because she had already said it through the phone while they were both out of breath and sobbing every drop of tear from their bodies.

He doesn't realize it, but when he'd finally gotten out of his phase, the call had already ended and his cheeks had become tear stained and his sobs had calmed down to weak whimpers. He realizes that he'd just hung up on her after she'd said she loved him, and he just panics, because she's going to think he doesn't love her and he should immediately call her and tell her that he loves her, because he does, he loves her like he'd never loved anyone before.

He'd started talking to her in his sophomore years and he was now a senior, and she'd been there in every step of the way. But he just doesn't, he doesn't tell her he loves her, he doesn't call her, because he doesn't trust himself if he does. And she doesn't call back either.