Mr. Picture Perfect

Trying to heal yourself but finding out you couldn't

From a distance you could see how closed they were.  It couldn’t be mistaken from just an ordinary thing, that they were just classmates.  Liza and Suzy had seen it all.  I only saw a part of it because I tried to veer away from them.  I felt my body weakens.  I couldn’t believe it.  All through out the day I thought of so many things and in one jolt of light, struck me into my deepest soul, my heart.  I was crashed for the third time. 

I realized the conversation on the phone was just a pretension.  The truth was the most painful sight to look at.   The ears heard the sweetest lie in the whole world.   The eyes couldn’t lie.  Reality really bites. 

My other peers tried to comfort me with their words.  I pretended that I was okay.  That I can still manage.  I lost my senses for the whole journey home.  I was with Suzy.  We lived near each other so we would be together going home.   She couldn’t talk to me.  I felt so alone at that moment.  I let myself wander.  I wished Aries was here. 

Until I burst into tears.

I remember it as fresh as it had happened, we were seated in front of the FX and we were in Quezon City Hall at that time when I heard a song playing on the radio.

I never saw it coming.  I must have assumed of so many things prior to our conversations that’s why it hurts.  I must have wanted him so badly that’s why it was so unnerving.  I must have let myself fall so deep.  I tried to gather myself.  I tried to pre-occupy my mind.  I tried so many damn things just so the pain will go away.  I tried to pretend but inside of me was hurting.  Something inside of me was broken.

There was an acquaintance party after the exam week.  My friends and I joined the rest of the students in partying.  I got myself drunk.  The first time I puked in front of so many people.  After a few minutes of being drunk, I was able to collect myself.  When I was out of the dance floor, I tried to forget about everything.  I was having fun.

And then I saw them from the crowd.  They were holding hands.

And somehow I knew it was the end.

What a way to end a fairytale!

Wasn’t it that a fairytale always end with a phrase “and they lived happily ever after,” but not my story?  Yes, we live…although apart.  He was living with someone else and hopefully…happily ever after.  I realized I had to stop.  Stopped myself from what?  Living in a fairytale, I guess.

For days after the unpredictable scene, I really wanted to do the things we used to do – such as talking to each other every night…like friends.  Aaahh... those were the days.  I wanted to pick up the phone, dial his number and talk to him.  I hesitated, thinking he might call and miss me, because I missed him, especially the long hours of talking, joking and laughing with each other.  All the craziness of the world was within us.  Like you never had to study for the night and still excel on the exam in the morning.  My grades on that semester were really high. 

I wanted to hear his voice…most especially the way he laughs.  Things were so intense.   And I knew somehow, there will be someone else on the other line of their phone.  It was not me.  It was her.  It would take time to get the courage to talk to him again. Not this time.  Not too soon.

If I could remember it right, after a week, I saw him one morning near the church, walking along the sidewalks.  Out of nowhere he appeared.  I knew from the way he looked, he knew it was I.  He was staring at me when I passed by.  Then I heard my name being called.  Jun and I both looked at the person which was my classmate.  When I looked back to where he was he was nowhere in sight.  And that afternoon, the news ruined the fairytale story I was creating.  Someone slapped my face with the shocking truth.  He took the last step in attaching a string with the girl.  Even though they didn’t want to admit it, I was no fool not to see it.  I only laughed but deep inside of me I was thorn into pieces.