Mr. Picture Perfect

Year 2003.

And so to speak… after a year of calling him and being denied…. I found myself crying in the middle of the night thinking of Jun.  Asked myself what’s the matter again??? Didn’t I went back and called him? But what happened… nothing.  It just hurt me even more.  But here I am again… in the same situation a year ago, still thinking, still longing, still believing that I haven’t done anything to say that I’m finally over him.

Three years had passed, since the last time I saw him.  Here I go again, refreshing my memories of what we used to have.  Do I really have to do it all over again?

Janise, a colleague of mine told me that I will never find that someone that I will cherished for the rest of my life. This is due for the fact that I always compare the guys that come along to my Mr. Picture Perfect.  I always make a comparison of the other guys with Jun. 

Maybe.

It is Jun, whom I ever loved that much.  He’s my first love.

The guy that always haunts me when I’m thinking of nobody else.

So, Liza and I decided to do the right thing.  I just have to see him.  Reality check, I guess. 

My boss finally allowed me to take a leave and sort it out.  Liza and I planned to go to the university just to see him because he’s taking his masters there.  And also we decided to contact all other people that know his whereabouts so that we will not waste the August 15 plan.

It is the big day.

There are only two things to pay attention with when that day arrives.  It was either the continuity of the past or the ending this longing for the things not done in yesterday. Two weeks to go for that day… let’s see if the stars are aligned or it’s a dead star after all.  Oh well! I’m in dilemma right now. 

Maybe I’m just crazy to think that this could be happening.  But you know what; the only thing I want now is to see Jun.  Just to assess if there is still that certain feeling that’s inside of me.  A part of me wants this to stop, because I think it’s cheap, the things that I am doing. Finding all that will lead to him. Even just his cell phone number, it’s too hard to get.

I told Liza I couldn’t do it.  But she told me I have to. I need to.

I tried to contact a Chai again one Monday afternoon.  I asked her if she knew Jun’s cell phone number.  She told me she doesn’t. But she’ll give me his email address.  She told me that Jun is working in a bank.  Where? I didn’t bother to ask. He doesn’t have a girlfriend at this moment.  She even told me that if she gives me Jun’s email address, she wouldn’t be caught up in the situation.  She was thinking that I will just be making a fool out of him and even on talking him and she doesn’t want to be responsible for anything.   So I promised her that it’s not the case.

After the conversation, I was made to realize what I am doing.  I’m not really sure anymore.  This is not I.  My head and heart are having a discussion of their own.  My head told me not to do it.  My heart tells me it’s the right thing to do.

I asked for help for my peers, who have different opinions about this matter. 

But still, it’s me who’s going to decide after all.

And what is my decision?

 Come what may.

 If by any chance the plan of Liza doesn’t work the way she planned it, then maybe I will not do it.

 Liza called Jun, got his cell phone number.  She invited her for a so-called interview on the for a local sports magazine on the 15th of August.  She told him that she’s doing an article about the players who were not given a chance to play for the collegiate division. He agreed.  They will meet somewhere near Jun’s office after office hours.  It was August 11.

 He still agreed on the 12th.  Even on the 13th.  So I agreed that this is the perfect time to do it.  I will have my chance.  But backfires on the 14th.  I found out midnight of the 14th that he’s not coming to meet Liza.  Here we go again Liza and I, trying to figure a way that will make him do it.  But failed to deliver any suggestions on how are we going to do it.  We will just try it on the afternoon of the 15th, to make another move.

 Liza called their house, trying to get the number in his office.  They gave us his cell phone number.  I saved it in my phone.  The day went on, and stills no plans for Jun.  We decided to go to the movie house instead and watch a movie.  Stay late and discussed what happened.  I asked Liza if I looked disappointed.  She told me I’m not.

 So we leave it to that.

After six days, I sent him a message on the cell phone.  A wrong message supposed to be given to a certain person but was intended to him.  He replied.  Twice.  And that’s all.  Come to think of it, I did my share with this.  It was not successful.

Liza once asked me if during our conversations on the phone years ago, if there was any exchange of emotions for each other.  If there was, that was something that I can hold into for this reality check that I am doing.

Then I started to recall.  Was there any a time that he asked me what I felt for him?  Did I ask him what he feels for me?  Now that I’ve realized it, maybe there wasn’t really involvement of feelings for each other.  Maybe I had assumed too much.  Maybe I made myself believed in some things that I thought we shared.  Maybe the idea fits into my head and permeated into my heart that he really feels some thing for me.  Or maybe because the time was too quick for us to realize that it was gone.  Or is it only I who loves Jun so much.

Only I love Jun.

And I need to realize he never loved me because he doesn’t know me at all.  I just have to accept the truth in its purest form. 

The question now is what am I supposed to do?  It’s over!  I should have realized it way back. I should have not concluded and assessed the situation with my head.  Should have never let all the coincidence in our being connected somehow a thing to hold on to.  I should have hold on into something like the special feelings that was expressed.  Nevertheless, there is none.  It’s only an illusion, an idea.  My idea.

I’m not sure what will happen next.  I should be prepared for the future that somehow, in the deepest part of me I would still remember him.  I’m not sure when it’s going to happen.  I’m not sure if on that day I would still be crazy to think of another scheme to suffice my reality check.  But somehow, I knew I had to accept. 

Whatever happened to Jun and I in the past will always have a special meaning in my life.  No matter what I do, where I would be, whomever I will be with, he occupies a big part in my heart that I will cherish forever.  Because of him, I learn to love even if it hurts and crashes my world for the longest time.  In him, I became strong.  And becomes a woman that I never thought I would be. 

I remember the dream I had when Aries died and what he told me. You will have to find out on your own.  Not too much.  Somehow he knew and I have to accept that Jun was only a part of my history.   A picture of a man I used to love. My Mr. Picture Perfect.