Lying inside a dim-lit room, made me think about how worthless I am and mumble to myself that I don't deserve anything or anybody. Depression strikes again and again. It never leaves, not once, never.
Nobody will love me; no one.
Friends? Do I have one? I actually have lots of them. But no one will defend me when situations get rough and I need them to say "I got your back. We are always here for you", they never did. When a problem arises and I actually begged them to help me and to give me advice but they only laughed at me. They don't take me seriously. I even said that 'please just these once, treat me seriously, I need you', but I guess I never learned, all of them are the same. I guess I'm the only one who cared when they have problems of their own. One friend even dared to say, "What is it now?! Why are you depressed again?!" She said that after laughing at my pitiful self.
A day after that, she messaged me and asking if I'm angry at her because she offended me, (well yeah! Who wouldn't?! (inner self). But I replied, "Who said that I'm angry at you? I still love you even though you laughed at me when I badly needed you. It's okay, I'm okay". The worst part, she believed me. She didn't even say sorry for what she did to me.
Yesterday was my birthday, she texted me that she will treat me lunch and I accepted it. After eating we decided to go home but before I leave, I hugged her tight for like 5 seconds and she's the one who let go first saying that people are looking and it's kind of awkward. Honestly, I almost cried because of what she said but I controlled my tears because she never cared, so why let her see my weakness. I just pretended to be okay and I quickly go.
What should I do?
Is she really my friend or not?
Should I never talk to her ever again or I'll just continue to let her hurt me emotionally?
Published: November 18, 2020
Time: 10:17 PM
