Love Letter to SPN

Always Keep Fighting

~T/W: hey guys! this is going to get pretty deep and pretty emotional, as supernatural has been a huge anchor through me dealing with a lot of my mental health. i will mention drinking, s3lf-h@rm, 0verd0se and other potentially triggering topics. please proceed with caution! thank you!~

I first discovered Supernatural when I was 12 years old, around 2013. This was about 6 or 7 years ago, so the show was already pretty far into itself. I think I came into the fandom when the show itself was in the middle of season 8. However, I didn't start at season 8, I started at season 1, like you do.

Coincidentally, when I was 12 was around the time my life started to fall apart a bit. Things weren't going too great at home and school wasn't the best either. I was being bullied and my depression and anxiety was starting to kick in at this age. I had always used the sci-fi or fantasy genre as a sort of mental escape for me. When I couldn't handle my own life, I threw myself completely into the lives of these characters. I went to Hogwarts alongside Harry Potter, we fought Voldemort together when I was in 5th grade. When I started middle school, I was introduced to Percy Jackson.  We fought monsters together. I found my friends and I found my home in these stories.

When a story is really good and well written, you're able to completely immerse yourself in the world that the author has created. You imagine it in your head if it's a book, or you feel the emotions the characters experience right along with them. At first, Supernatural was no different for me. It offered an escape from my negative thoughts, my own self-hate and turmoil, both internal and external. 12 was also the age that my dysphoria really started to hit. Because of an event that happened in my childhood, I was in a mostly subdued, dissociative state for the better part of 4 years. I really don't remember much from the ages of 8 to 12 except for mundane things like who my teachers were or what novels I read. Nothing really felt "real" until I was 12. For some reason, I "woke up" around that age, and it was really difficult for me. I didn't feel comfortable in my AFAB body, I had a hard time sitting and dealing with emotions, I started to get overwhelmed and panicky easily and by the simplest things like my 7th grade Algebra assignments.

I came across Supernatural at this age. I think it was recommended on my Netflix or I saw it online or something. Regardless of how it happened, one night I sat down at my TV when I was home alone and settled in to watch the first episode of some random sci-fi show. Little did I know, this show would change my life for the better and become one of the biggest anchors I had. I came into the fandom looking for--no, needing--an escape. I was welcomed in with open arms and open hearts and I found a family and a home. 

I always loved the idea of mythical creatures, fantasy worlds, adventures and fighting monsters. When my own life was too much to handle, Supernatural gave me an escape. Sam and Dean could handle almost any problem the world threw at them, no matter how insurmountable it seemed, because they had each other. With the words "Dad's on a hunting trip, and he hasn't been home in a few days," I was hooked. 

Through the episodes of season one, I grew more of an attachment to Sam. I related to him as a character, his uncertainty, his self-hatred, his disgust with himself, his willingness to put anything and everything at risk for his brother, his belief that he didn't deserve to be saved or to even live at times, but still doing so because Dean needed him to. He hated himself, but Dean needed him to continue, so he did.

I got through seasons one and two pretty easily. When Sam died at the end of season two, I genuinely went through a grieving period. (Grief that I would become much, much more familiar with later in the series, especially once I developed my attachment to a certain angel...) I needed Sam, I needed him to keep fighting the good fight. Dean needed him, but I needed him just as much. I immediately moved on to season 3, praying this wasn't the end for him.