The Journey of an Autistic Girl

              My past was rough, I was bullied in elementary school, I was harassed in middle school and freshman year of high school, my good friend died two weeks after he was hit by a car, and I was battling anxiety and depression while all of this was going on. On top of that, I have Autism. Being an Autistic child isn't easy, it came with a set of challenges. I was worried about saying the wrong thing, since me saying the wrong thing was the reason I was getting bullied when I was a child. During freshman year, I've never felt more lonely. Because of the harassment I've dealt with during middle school and high school, I had to keep my distance from a lot of my friends at school. I did have friends at a local theatre where I did shows at, but they didn't go to my school.

             Eventually, I did find two girls in my grade who I became close friends with. Being Autistic, having close friends is hard. That made my sophomore year way better than freshman year. We all became good friends and spent a lot of time together. They even inspired me to do English Ten honors, which despite being an Autistic Student, I did very well in that class. Along with them, I befriended three girls a year older than me on my bowling team. Their names are Amanda, Maddie, and Marissa. Amanda was on the team the year before and Maddie and Marissa were new to the team that year. The four of us became really close and we would still talk after the season ended.

           By the end of sophomore year, I was ready for junior year of high school. I knew it was going to be a hard year, especially since I was taking AP Lang after succeeding in honors, despite teacher's concern. But having Autism, I couldn't get that idea out of my head. For the first few months, I was successful, even with some bad moments. The friends that I made in my grade started to sit in the library for lunch instead of coming to the cafeteria. At first I was really mad, but eventually, I accepted it, as I did have other friends at the cafeteria table. A few weeks later, those friends started to leave, and I was lonely. I never said anything about it because I couldn't speak for myself and say that this bothered me. Besides, I would just be on my laptop, writing stories or doing homework anyways.

           Life was going pretty well, until New Year's Eve. I was cleaning my room and thinking about how excited I was to see my friends again after break. That's when I checked on Google Classroom to make sure I had completed all of my school work. Suddenly, I realized I had more AP Lang work than I thought. I was so stressed out that cleaning my room became a stressful task. Then, I argued with my parents about how stressed I was. It didn't help that I wasn't on my medication that would have help stabilize my emotions. When my mom told me to go back upstairs to take my meds, I went upstairs to my room crying. After a half hour or so of crying, I did the unthinkable. I thought about every single negative thing that has happened to me, and I overdosed on my medication.

            The minute I realized what I did I texted my theatre best friend, and she told me to tell my mom right away. Even though she told me something that I already knew I had to do, if she didn't tell me to tell my mother. I'd probably wouldn't have done it. When I told my mom, she forced me to try and vomit them out so we wouldn't have to go to the hospital. We both were scared, I've never seen my mom so freaked out in her life. Then I was driven into the hospital, where I would have stayed for the next week.

               For the first few days, I was in the children's hospital being medically taken care of. I had a person watching me do everything, including going to the bathroom and taking a shower. My family stayed with me while I was there. A few days later, I was medically cleared from the hospital, however, I was to be transported to a psychiatric center for having an overdose to begin with, even though I told them that I didn't do it as a suicide attempted, it was more of me trying to be normal. I spent two days in that place, and I'm still recovering from it. I was told that I would have a nice room with a view. In reality, the room was small and had one small window. That night, I couldn't sleep, I was so distressed I was having nightmares of being stuck in that hospital forever. It didn't help that the staff had to shine a light in my room every fifteen minutes to make sure I was ok. The second day was better than the first, but I still missed my family so much and all I wanted was to go home.

On that Friday, there was a beautiful blue sky. Which made sense, because I was told that I could go home.

           The first person I've texted when I got home was my theatre best friend, who was excited and relieved that I was home. I also texted Marissa from my bowling team telling her that I was back. She asked me how I was feeling, and I told her that I was discharge. However, how did she know I was sick? I didn't think about it at the time but I just assumed that she thought I was sick. Two days later, I went to my first bowling practice since the overdose. When I got to bowling, the first person I saw was Amanda. I ran up to her and gave her a huge hug. At first, I was going to tell her that I was sick, but I cannot tell a lie. So I told her about being in the hospital for an overdose. It turned out that she and the others already knew about me being in the hospital. While I was in the emergency room, one of their moms was also in the emergency room. I was honestly glad that people knew about it. Just so I could talk about if I needed to.

When I came back to school, it was hard to adjust. My counselors and parents agreed that it would be best for me to drop AP Lang, which meant that I couldn't relate to my friends anymore. So now when I would talk to my friends in my class, all they would talk about is AP Lang and I wouldn't say anything. I've never felt more like an outcast in my life. I've already felt like an outcast with my Autism. Being in an AP class made me feel more like a normal student than a special needs student. Then, I asked Marissa if I can sit with them during my free period, and she said yes. From that day on, I sat with Marissa, Amanda,Maddie, and their three other friends. I also was sitting with them at lunch. By that point, I wasn't really talking to anyone at my lunch table anyways. I now have six senior friends who look after me and love me for who I am. Those six seniors made sure that I was included in what they were doing. They've helped me so much in not just academics or even in life in general, but with loving myself. My senior friends also helped me calm down about speaking in public, which I have a huge fear of. I'm so thankful that I have them in my life to look after me. I am still friends with people in my own class, but I know when those guys aren't around, I'll have my senior friends to depend on.

               As for how I'm doing now, life is slowly getting better everyday. I am currently trying to not say anything negative about myself so I can live a happy life. Everytime I think of something negative about myself, I have to read from a list I've made of things I love about myself. My friends are also helping me out by reminding me about all the good things about myself. As for friends, well I still hang out with my senior friends a lot. On the last day of school, it was a very emotional day. Since on the last day of school we have this moving up ceremony where we move to our new class seats in our auditorium and the seniors move to the back of the aud. I cried so hard on that day because if it wasn't for them I wouldn't have been happy at school to begin with. However, I was still so proud of them for finishing school strong and I even went to their graduation. Other than that, I am living my life to the fullest right now. Over the past few months, I have learned that just because I am "disabled", it doesn't mean I am any different from my classmates. At the end of the day, we all have different strengths and weaknesses, that's what makes us human. Despite being Autistic, I'm not letting anything hold me back from doing what I want to do. I've let it stopped me before, but I will not let it stop me ever again.