I held the tears in for as long as time allowed. That was only the school day. When I got home, I broke down, sobbing, wanting to know what I had done, what hadn't I done, what should I have done. Today was awful. I was shaking for most of it, trying hard not to cry, yelling at people, walking around with a scowl on my face. I had to put on fake smiles when I saw my boyfriend, tell him nothing was wrong, just something stupid. Poor kid.
What's wrong with me, you ask? Oh not much. I'm in high school so it must just be some stupid drama. I'm only a sophomore so it's probably nothing important or actually life changing. I'm only fifteen so it's most likely not really a big deal. Must be; probably; most likely. That's what runs through my senior friends' minds when they see me in a bad mood today. What's up with her? Who ticked her off now? Nothing much.
Usually they'd be right. It doesn't take much to set off my fuse. I'm very short tempered; my sister and I proved that it's genetics from my dad's side. So walking around with a grumpy face isn't something unusual for me. Unless I'm walking around with it all day, clearly forcing out laughter or grins. I unfortunately lost a bit of my grip in 4th period and a few tears escaped as i discussed the situation with my friend Hunter. Another one of my friends interrupted with a stupid question and I threw a pencil at him, making him bleed. My brother Kihle turned and tried to say something to calm me down but hunter asked him to just stay out of the conversation. I later apologized to my friend, but only because I knew it wasn't his fault, he didn't understand the situation. Kihle didn't ask questions and actually helped a little. They took the Butane lighter fluid for me. They didn't ask why I was upset. Must be, probably, most likely nothing important. No, not really.
My best friend just tried to commit suicide. In school. And didn't talk to me about it.
Nothing's really the matter. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I'm not allowed to cut anymore, my mother checks me periodically. But my other friend is leaving school because of it, because we asked him for a bit of help because he has experience with things that can kill you. What upsets me most? My best friend doesn't care that I was upset about it. I was getting angry for no reason. Because he didn't think he meant anything to me; that he wasn't my other half and who I needed; wasn't someone I wanted to look out for because he was always there for me; didn't need to stay for me or that his death would have any effect on me. He didn't know or care that he'd just killed me. That I'd just lost something. Like the day my father asked my cousin to shoot him, or my sister said she didn't love us anymore, or my parents asked me to choose between them when they were going to get a divorce. I've already lost most of my feelings but I've been regaining them, building them off of this new family I was making at school. With my brotherhood, my few sisters, my little siblings, and what he doesn't know is that he was practically a father. Stronger than a brother. He was the big guy that replaced my broken figure. And I almost lost him. He doesn't know that if he had died, I'd be completely shattered, never to come out of my shell again.
Why didn't I tell him this when he was on the floor of the hallway at school? I did. I told him he was important and that I cared and that he was killing me. But with Butane you get very high. Inhaling it can kill you but it intoxicates you with the fumes like too much Sharpie or hand sanitizer. So he didn't understand. Didn't care. Doesn't care. Because he doesn't believe me. He'll follow someone who uses him like a welcome mat and has no care about his issues or his life or his wants and needed. He'd stay with her; would live if she asked. But if I said something, it'd be brushed off.
So why was I mad? Upset? Heartbroken? Because one person that meant everything to me didn't care. Wouldn't talk to me. Thought I must be, probably, most likely lying about needed him. And that I was just in his way to a perfect life with the girl who cared more for shit than him. So I'm sorry. The blood on this knife from my stomach means nothing to you. But I love you, Papa Ti. Even if you don't believe me and that means nothing to you.
