Addict - mattia polibio

pilot p1

I was once happy, content, sloshing around in my own private, primordial pool.

Then one day, beyond my control, i was repeatedly crushed over and over by the cruel cervix of my mother lana.

I put up a good fight, but I lost. For the first time but not the last.

I was born 3 days after 9/11.

I was brought into a middle class childhood without warning.

I was diagnosed with OCD. Bipolar disorder. And PTSD.

I was never abused. Or molested or anything. So explain this shit to me.

My mom tells me it's the way my brains wired and lots of people struggled with it like Vincent van goh. Sylvia plath. Britney spears.

I dont remember much between the ages of 8 and 12. Just that the world moved fast.

Every second of every day I find myself trying to outrun my anxiety.

And quite frankly, I'm just fucken exhausted.

And at some point you make a choice. About who you are and what you want.

__________

I know this whole world might seem sad. But I didnt build this system, nor did I fuck it up.

You have fun. And then it happens. That moment where your breathing slows and you breath out every breath of oxygen u have. And everything  stops. Your heart, your lungs, and finally your brain, and eveyrbtjng you feel and want to forget just sinks.

And suddenly you give it air and life again.

I remember the first time it happened to me I wanted to call 911 and be kept Alive by machines and apple juice.

Over time it became everything I wanted was those 2 seconds of nothingess, and I was addicted.

________________

I spent a good portion of the summer before junior hear in rehab.

"I'm very happy for you rue, your about to start a brand new chapter" mom says as she picks me up from rehab.

I knew that wasnt true.

I smile and turn my head and look out the window as we passed by a boy riding his bike so elegantly.

Floppy brown hair in the Wind sparkling brown eyes and long eyelashes.

____________________

It was a week left of Summer before Junior started and I had no intention of staying clean.

And mattia had just moved to town.

" theres some new boy I think you you gonna be friends with" fezco said to me. (Dealer)

"Who"

"Shit I don't know he came in yesterday looking all sailor moon and shit I'm thinking to myself,  like, look like somebody rue would get along with" I eyed fezco intrigued.

" how long you been back " fez asks and lights a cig

" like five days ion even know"

" shit, how you feel " he leaned in wanting more info.

" I don't know ever since I gave my soul to the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ things have been like, really good. " I said sarcastically.

We both bust out laughing as I hit his knee jokingly. " I'm fucken with you fez "

" hey but lowkey is ashtray in the back? " finally getting to the point.

Fez expression changed and he stared at me.